Karma…

Continue on to read what I wrote two years ago and now.

 

Two years ago I wrote :

Karma: It’s not just for breakfast anymore…

So I’ve been spending these last couple of Nyquil haze induced days having weird dreams i.e.


I’m the Prime Minister of Pakistan and I’ve walked into India pushing all the Indian women’s red dots on their heads saying, “Damn, you’re ugly”.

I’ve discovered super glue and I’ve glued my hands together.

Every time I tell a woman that I love them, they slap me, but all the women who love me I’m repulsed by.

I’ve walked into the studio with a piece of breaking news but when I turn on the microphone I discover I have no mouth.

My tongue disappeared for a period of three hours yesterday. Would the woman who is borrowing it please return it. No questions asked.

And FINALLY, I dreamed that the last 3 years didn’t happen. I woke up and took a shower and Angie walks in. (Ed. note: Bobby’s ex-wife, Pam, had dreamt the entire previous season, including Bobby’s death)

So I have been thinking about everything that I want, need and dream of.

Every time I think I want something, something else pops into my way. I loved Angie with all my heart and soul, but she left to move ¼ mile down the road from her parents. I wanted to pursue my career and foolishly I did. So I moved on and dated. I thought I wanted Amy, but then we “took some time” and months later she’s preggers. Then I thought I wanted Micah, but what I wanted was to discover myself and who I am, what I want and to dream, but then things didn’t work out with her. Now Chyna is someone who I have bonded with significantly, but there is another man who has entered her life that in my opinion could offer her more.

So the question is, am I relationship challenged? Or are these tests and paths that I must take to get to a better place, a higher land, and a better woman?

I am confused, dear friends, for I know a lot yet I know nothing. Today I reminisced with Brian McCourt about what’s going right in my life, but I didn’t bring up what wasn’t going right in my life. Why is that? Is it that we don’t want to inconvenience someone who is listening to every single word of success that we don’t bring up our failures?

For the record…

I am a failure.

I have failed in many tasks in my life.

I have…

…never finished my degree at Texas Tech. I probably won’t at Tech. They want me to retake classes and pay them more money, even asking me if I want to be in their Mass Communications Masters Program. It would be nice, but I can’t finish the bachelors at this time why attempt to waste my time anymore on them. I gave them a chance to try and help me graduate once, and the adviser for Mass Communications said it would be just like starting over again. I’ve got too many things, in my life, that I need to do rather than to finish something that means nothing to me now.

…disappointed myself by not graduating before my grandfather died like I promised. (See above)

…let my marriage disintegrate in front of my eyes. I could have fought for many things but I gave up and rolled over.

…didn’t tell people that meant a ton to me how I really felt until it was too late. There are days I wish I could just look into my sisters eyes and hear her say “I know you are sorry”.

…allowed myself to be self-destructive after my divorce.

I could go on and on. But I have seen many wonderful things, been many wonderful places and lived a life full of joy and yet full of misery.

You can’t take the good without the bad.

I just have more bad to get out of my way first. It’s karma baby and the faster I realize that nice guys finish last is the day that I find the woman that I’ve never noticed before who’s at the back of the line next to me.

But just recently I did some things to look back at those situations and how they were wrong.  I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Because though all those things are true…

I am a success.

Yes, I didn’t finish my degree. But I didn’t need it.  I have found success in my industry, where I didn’t need the paper.  Also Tech has become increasingly “selective”.  So I’ve become increasingly selective in the paperwork I do for my interns from there.  South Plains College has been always nice to me and I may go see John Sparks to see what I have to do, so I can get any piece of paper.  My alumni dollars will go to the school that works with me.

As for my marriage. Yup, that was my fault.  I wasn’t responsive to Angie’s needs.  I was too concerned about my career.  In the short term it was a mistake.  In the long term it was the right choice.  For to make me leave something that I look forward to doing every day of my life would have been miserable for me.

Thus it would have been a mistake for me to try to do something that I would have hated right out of the gate. I have made myself respected in my career without a doubt.

My good friend Kerri, gave me a card.

It reads.

“Don’t just live the life you’ve been given…

Make the life YOU want.”

And it is so true.

I’ve pushed away people in my life for fear of letting them get close to me.  And I was wrong.  So today I’ve made some calls to people that I screwed up with and in the past wouldn’t have apologized or given the time of day.  But I called them and told them I was sorry.  I hoped that it would make them feel as good as it made me feel.

And for some of them it did.

I didn’t call people who had hurt me, just people that I had hurt.

And I’m starting to make the life I WANT!

It’s a slow progress.   I’m going to make some mistakes but I hope not to make the same ones twice.

I’ve made incredible progress in the way I look at things in the past.

Today, I did some things that I have been putting off.

And I think I will sleep 100% better than I did two days ago.

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