Father’s Day 2008

Today I saw into my soul, deep where love and hate fight.  I saw anger and envy, joy and happiness all together.

They looked at me and paused.

“What’s HE doing here?”

“Self examination,” wisdom said.

“Why would he need to examine us?  Are we getting fired,” Panicked and Worried chimed in.

“No, it is that time,” came from a voice from the darkened corner.

“Why are you here Sean, don’t you have more important things to worry about” yelled Anger.

I said nothing and yet looked around.  How parts of my psyche were hidden in corners, especially those I thought were my strengths, with all my weaknesses in the light, controlling me, surrounding me, taunting me…

And it is because I controlled the light.

I’ve been talking to friends and family about various things that have affected me in the last 3 months and I’ve come to the conclusion that darkness is not the lack of light, but the hiding of the light by me.

That’s the issue that have kept me in the dark.

But I have, excuse the pun, seen the light.  And I am trying to do things to make me happy, which haven’t happened in a long time.

Let us look at the changes and the results so far:

Weight Loss-

I started out HEAVY, like the good year blimp.  And I have slimmed down to 214.  But I am not where I need to be.  I waited the self-required one week once the new gym, that the company had a membership to, had just opened and I wanted to avoid the Grand Opening hoopla.  So my goal today was to just exercise on the bike for 30-45 min.  I walked in and talked to the Manager of the Gym who actually is Zach Thomas’ personal trainer.

He wished me luck and I headed to my usual warm up of the bike for 20 min.

Paul and I talked about what my goals and hopes for my training.  And then he blew me away with charts and graphs.  In the nicest way possible he told me I was doing it allll wrong!

So he showed me the circuit and had me go around the circuit once, hitting all 12 areas once with 20 basic reps.  The goal was familiarizing myself with the equipment.  No heavy weights.

“Your goal is to trim down and create muscle mass. BUT not to be a weight freak.”

We talked after my 2 mile cool down run and it felt good at the end.

Aerobic tomorrow and Anaerobic on Tuesday.

It’s time to make a lean mean fighting machine.

Work-

What can I say?  My right hand man is gone due to an injury and I’m guarding the ship by myself.  It’s tiring and frustrating.  But I am doing it.  Time of his return is unknown and I hope for him the best.  But this last week, I let my frustration get the best of me and I was a fool.  I paid the price for my foolishness.

I said the evil “Words that never should be said”. 

You see once someone said the two words that we have heard and seen on TV and Movies.  But once those words were said unthinkable tragedies happened at the office.  Call us superstitious but we never uttered those words again.  Until in frustration I said it a couple of years ago.  The computer system for the radio station crashed, I lost my wallet in the alley behind my house taking out garbage and thus had to have my friend spot me money until I could find the wallet (in the dark with a spotlight) in the rain during severe weather.  This has been referred to as the day “I lost my wallet in El Segundo.”

So last Thursday, in frustration and in anger, I said the “Words that never should be said” and I said them 90 times.

And Sunday, the computer crashed at the country station, we had severe weather which I had to cover and I pissed off a bunch of co-workers who are easily as superstitious as I am.  (Please, don’t hand me a $50, really!)  By the way, my computer crashed while typing this entry. I think I hate Vista more than I hated my ex when we got divorced.

Friendships-

I had a great weekend with friends It was good to just meet up here and there to do things, like watching Zohan with Amanda on Friday, celebrating Corye’s Birthday on Saturday and Chinese Buffet Dinner on Sunday with Amanda. I’ve shut out friends locally because of a lot of things.  All of them for the wrong reasons.

I’ve changed that and started to enjoy friendships that I really not sure would have happened in the past.

Blogger Tragedy-

I have talked with several people, all asking what happened in this blogger tragedy or this one.  My comment to one in all are the following for the future:

I wish Donkette (Lori) all the best in her trying times.  I hope she can find what she needs to survive.

I wish Hoy would just let the cat out of the bag totally.  ICRUSHBLOGGERS was an idea that concept was flawed and was malicious.  In my mind, his victory over me in the one week will be marked with an *.  Yes, he won, but he defrauded all who entered.  I hope, as one of the people who he beat, that he found great joy in ripping his mask off to say “AH HA!”

But to all my friends I say this…

The pains and hurt have been inflicted.  The next issue is acceptance, forgiveness and healing.  We need to move on.  This isn’t middle school.  This is life.  If you don’t like what someone did, then don’t talk to them and move on.  But to continue to bring it up, is like a network newsroom (sorry Otis and Luckbox) during a Tragedy. 

I remember how many times we saw the Challenger explosion until someone finally said ENOUGH!

ENOUGH!  Move on.  We all get taken advantage of, we all will be hurt.  But the true sign of a man and woman, is those who either admit their mistakes, or forgive and move on.

Which one are you?

Tim Russert:

The world was shocked on Friday when Timothy J Russert had a heart attack and died.  Watching him on Meet The Press was an education in interviewing.  His job, as he saw it, was to take a guest and be the Devil’s advocate.  Thus showing two sides of a story even though he may not have agreed with them.  Remember Tim was a DEMOCRATIC backer in his early years as a staffer for New York rep Daniel Patrick Moynihan.  But he tangled with the best and the brightest.  If you were on Meet the Press, you were on the way up. In his honor and nothing against my Browns … GO BILLS

My condolences to his family.

Poker:

I’ve taken a break from Poker, with appearances here and there for railing but I haven’t had the time, nor the energy to play.  I’ve lost the desire to play and I think if I do play I tend to over think the game.  I’ve had a couple of people I’m me and discuss my play during the Bodonk final.  Some said, too tight, some said, you have to understand that you are dealing with a commodity of limited hands.  Finally one friend IM’ed me the advice that has me puzzled.

“Why examine your hands?  If you think you made the right move, then move on. You are a good player, better than I am, and you will win a blogger event.  It’s just a matter of believing in yourself.”

I sat at the keyboard and just looked at the screen. This friend, who had won a blogger tourney or two was telling ME that I was better than HIM. My mind was blown.

But maybe sometimes you have to have someone show you where you are, rather than where you think you are.

Kids:

Shelby was extremely disappointed that I wasn’t able to make it to Indiana this weekend.  “My heart hurts daddy,” she told me today.  What can I say?  No matter what I do, it isn’t going to be acceptable and won’t make the pain go away.

Ryan finally talked to me today. “When I see you next time, I’m going to give you a big hug cause I miss you.”  Wow, I started to cry.  It makes it harder and harder to try and do what I thought I needed to do.

I didn’t want to move near them because I didn’t want them to feel that they could bounce between me and Angela, whenever they disagreed with one of our decisions.  But I have been second guessing that decision every day this year.  Maybe the best laid plans of man are flawed.

But I have opportunities that have graced me recently.  Maybe one of these irons in the fire will be hot enough for me. 

My Dad had to make choices that were in the short run choices that we as kids all hated.  But my Mom fired us up about every move and in the end we saw the benefits that were there. Sometimes we didn’t see them till long after we left,

The House:

The bathroom renovation is done and the wicked wallpaper is now gone.  Dad and I are discussing painting the now textured walls when he and whoever he can drag up visits me.  I’m taking grandma’s gift and using it toward tiling the Living Room and Hall.   I am really getting excited about having the crappy carpet that I’ve had in here since I got the house.  However, I need to get ready to paint the outside of the house and relandscape it especially since the rose bushes died.  Just another project for yet another day.

And Finally: My quick thoughts…

Congratulations to F-Train for his cash at the WSOP Razz $1500 and Astin for his Vegas tourney cash too.  Congrats to Lana aka Pvanharibo who early this morning won a $12K WSOP package in the 150 Seat Guarantee on Full Tilt! Congrats to Iggy who won a $12K WSOP package on Stars.  So a bunch of bloggers are going to be playing in the WSOP.  I’ve always said that the blogger community has to be the toughest group of players in the world. Way to go all!

If the Celtics choke, will Kobe still be an adulterer?

Can you really love someone when you are still figuring out yourself?

Will I ever find my true love?

Will Tiger become the Greatest Golfer using a Driver as a Cane?

Can I ever fall asleep before 2 A.M.?

Should I just give up and wake up early to go biking at the gym?

These questions and more to be answered in the next exciting episode…

Feeding the ego or Fools Rush in!