Grey clouds in my heart…
That’s what I had last night/this morning as I left Oklahoma City and headed home.
Six hours of re-evaluation.
Where I am as a friend, who I am and what I need.
I needed something to do that didn’t think how my nose itched and my chest heaved. Until I hit the Texas state line and it started to pour. Then I kept my mind on just trying to stay on the road while its pouring cats and dogs.
I like driving for self examination. I look at the mistakes I have made and the choices I will make in the future.
I made one last chance with someone mean ever so much to me.
I gave her a last chance to see me who I am. And she told me that we would never be together ever again.
I was sad and I tried not to cry as I hung up the phone.
I pulled over and was thinking about the power of the 12th of July. It would have been my sisters 37th birthday. What would she have done? Would she have married Trent? Would she live in Bedford? Would she still become a pharmacist?
Those thought were heavy like the rain as I pulled back onto the road.
As I walked into the house and into her arms I knew I would never love her again. And it was sad.
The past is such a fickle thing. It gives you hope for the future and yet reminds you not to forget it or you’ll be doomed to repeat it.
She told me tonight that her next relationship would be not even with a male. Perhaps a female.
It didn’t matter what she said. All I heard was just not you.
We have a limited time on this earth and now I am not chasing, but grasping for experiences and those I would have never chased before. Last year, at this time, I took a gamble, which made me into such a better rounded person. I found new friends, new acquaintances and new people who hate me. Lucky me. For the changes that I have made have opened my eyes to a new world, a new life. For it are the experiences that are priceless, not anything that we can buy or sell.
I can count on my finger the chances that I have taken in the past because I never took them. I never stuck my head out of the shell to see what the world has to offer. And that’s a crying shame.
I’ve forgiven those who have thought that I have hurt them and hurt me back. I can’t wait to visit Stacy when she is back in Phoenix. We have put aside our differences and tried to work out a friendship that at one time was so damaged we couldn’t even mention the others name without the venom of hate corrupting our soul.
I’ve pardoned those who have sinned, lied and cheated against me. You will not have my trust anymore, but my sympathy. For your lost soul will continue haunting this earth long after your mortal body leaves it.
I’ve continued to understand those who have seen that their lives have changed beyond their control and accepted the differences of them. For I see not only who they are, but who they were.
I had a special moment in the car driving from the lake house to Gary’s house in Oklahoma City. Three divorced men sitting in the car, talking about things that make them weak, make them strong and how wonderful the people they have surrounded themselves have been.
And that moment will be a part of my heart. As the moment, I had to pull a friend away from a game, to tell him I had to leave because I couldn’t breathe. So frustrated I was, because of all the things going on in my head, that I didn’t want to spoil his day.
I used to cause fights with my dad and mom when I had to leave for Texas Tech after a visit so I could just go away. I hate saying goodbye. It’s the one thing I will never do.
It is until we meet again, tomorrow, the next day or in the arms of the Big Guy.
My heart is aching tonight, not because of the experiences that I missed by leaving earlier than I planned, for it worked out better for me. I got laundry done, work stuff prepared and I will rest more than I usually do before I go into work. Nay, my heart aches for my family, who mourns once again my sister’s absence from this earth. I mourn too, knowing that mom but yellow roses on her grave from her big brother.
As the grey clouds continue to circle my heart, I hope to find the sunshine that will continue to shine upon me.
Then the phone rings…
“Daddy, it’s me Shelby, can we talk?”
Can you feel the sunshine my friends?