The hole…

It’s hard to comprehend the insanity that was in my mind when I said that I could stand to live seeing my kids only three times a year.

I did it so the kids wouldn’t be passed between Angela and I like property. So they wouldn’t be dangling their love as a treasure for us.

But I am failing as a father. My daughter and son need me and I am 1044.85 miles away from them. What kind of man does that make me? I thought that made me a strong man, but recently and ever since my last disaster of a date, (note to self, even if she says she loves kids , dont pull out the pictures, remain cool), I’ve found a major hole in my heart.

I’m alone.

And my daughter is BEGGING me to have her come visit me cause she needs her daddoo.

So I’m going to work on either going to see them for a weekend or bring them down even though Ryan still won’t talk to me. Money is no object. I just need to feel like I am whole again.

Because I am far from whole.

I am hurting and listening to my daughter cry telling me how much she misses me breaks my heart even more.

I can’t write, I can’t think. All I do is remember the words of yesterday from my ex-wife “Your daughter needs you Sean.”

And thus the knife that I placed in a holster on my back was shoved in.

The things I want I have had to make sacrifices to get…

But my career, my house, my life as it is now… I would give away for one weekend with my kids. Maybe its time to move closer, end this chapter in my life. I am trying to figure out what I want, need and deserve.

But maybe all I deserve is to just think, and pick up the pieces, moving on.

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Kerri says:

July 22, 2008 at 2:58 pm

ok…so life isn’t always fair..but remember those that care about you and those you care about..Love you mean it! Really I do..and by the way what in the world is the last post (protected) what is that???

PrinceofHouston says:

July 22, 2008 at 3:53 pm

You know what Sean? For your ex to drop that “you daughter needs you” line is BS. She may need you, but what in the blue hell does she expect you do 1000 miles away? You did not force her to move back home. She chose to do it. I have tried to be sympathetic to both of you because I know how much divorce hurts, and I could only imagine what getting divorced with kids would have been like, but for her to willfully move back home, and then 6 years later tell you that your kids need you? Screw that. That’s head game guilt trip. You love your kids, no one doubts that. You do what you can. No one doubts that either, but you can’t fly up or drive up for every little hiccup. She has no right to expect that.