Shelby, don’t watch the video… But everyone else do…

Thanks Bam-Bam for getting this song in my head… So Happy.

I’ve been dealing with issues that I didn’t want to admit nor discuss. But I have to… Recently I was told the words that I thought I would never hear from my children.

“Daddy, we want to live with you.”

And my jaw dropped.

I didn’t mean to ignore everyone Sunday and most of Monday. It was I didn’t have an answer. The ex told the kids that they would have to convince me to let them live with me.

All day today I’ve been in a haze. I keep pinching myself trying to wake myself up, trying to figure out a way that I could have been sleeping, dreaming the dream that I one day wished would happen.

And I froze.

I didn’t know what to do, I was completely lost. Clueless.

What if it is a trick? Get them interested into the idea and then pull the rug from beneathe me.

I have put the question aside for now hoping that Shelby and Ryan would bring it up but I am not sure if I should.

How it would be so wonderful, I would get to spend time with them, almost 6 long years that have been torn from my soul may not be replaced, but a wound that may finally be healed.

But then doubt creeps in on how I could afford to raise them. But I move that doubt aside, I’d eat Macaroni and Cheese, gaining every pound I have lost to be with them.

Then doubt creeps in on how I could get them watched while I was at work. But I move that doubt aside as I would find ways to make the contacts and the people I have work for me.

Oh, have I mentioned doubt was around me last night as I failed in my attempts to sleep, as I tried to figure out how I could put an almost ten year old and a soon to be 7 year old in a two bedroom house. Then I looked at the for sale sign on the house next door. Anything is possible.

Then I woke up.

Realizing that this may be a fad, a temporary problem.

It may be mind games, it may be an opportunity…

and I am frozen.

Waiting for the moving van to leave once again in my mind.