I’ll get there.

Um, a little help please...

I’ve been thinking alot…and I’ve made some mistakes in the past.

And I admit it.

I’ve had some fun, and I admit it.

But the concept of what I am now needs to change.

Some factors of who I am , I enjoy and I will try my best to maintain.

But today , I let the darker side out and just didn’t like what I saw.

I’ve decided that it is almost time for me to get a new puppy.

Not yet, but close.

…

As for Radiothon preparations, I am nowhere where I NEED to be, but this weekend I’ll get there.

I’ve been putting things off, but I’ll get there.

I’ve been lucky to have a good woman who is by me supporting me, encouraging me.

And because of her I’ll get there.

…

I’ve let myself down by trying to make excuses, but I’ve been wrong. I’ve had my personal defcon set to 4 for too long. I’ve let people in my life that have hurt me and have taken advantage of my willingness to help. They’ve taken something I’ve loved and destroyed it. So I’m going to work on this project after I get back from Ireland.

Hopefully when I return, I will have found the will to take back The Castle and finally get it on track to publishing it.

I’ve got to thank my family, Joanna, Rich, Jim, Dusty, and the people who’ve had my back.

…

But since I’m making progress on losing weight, seeing a number on the scale that I haven’t seen since before I got divorced, I’m going to keep going, keep pushing myself.

I know I’m hard on myself, but I have great hopes, dreams and wishes.

That will all come true.

…

I talked to my life coach today and he made recommendations, some will come easy, some will be hard to achieve. But every little goal I’ve set, I’ve made.

Now it’s time to stop hiding and make those goals that I can only dream of achieving.

…
Every day I talk to Shelby I realize that she is no longer my little girl, the one I palmed in my hand, the one I gave baths in the kitchen sink. She’s a tween, and asking me questions that I am not qualified to answer and I feel uncomfortable thinking about.

But I miss her.

When Ryan wants to talk to me, which is still few and far between, as he is momma’s boy, he is a motormouth, he just jabbers away. Then there are other times where he is quiet and withdrawn, with one word answers and crying.

I miss him.

But I am approaching the hardest decision of my life…

and I’m so confused.

I wish I could tell you about what it is about, but I know that the blog is monitored and I just can’t sacrifice my privacy for your input.

…

3 weeks from Ireland and Mom sent me 4 new polo shirts so I “have clean nice things for the trip”. You can watch a boy become a man, but to a mother, he will always be a boy.

I’m scared and yet excited, I check my passport every day. It amazes me that I’ve gone 38 years without even sniffing leaving the USA but now with the passport I think of reasons every day to leave.

I could go visit my friends Mark and Chris in Canada. I could see the city of London, Rome, I’ll pass on Paris for now.

I just have to step out of my comfort zone.

…

I guess that’s what this post has all been about.

I’m stuck.