There are plenty of people in this world that I know are cheating. Cheating on their wives, jobs, poker etc. But the worst are those who “claim” that they “didn’t read the rules” or that they “just didn’t know”.

They try and find every advantage that they can get so that they can cheat.

And their INCREDIBLE SHOCK at getting caught.

Look, if you feel that you have the intestinal fortitude to cheat, when I point it out and your face turns BRIGHT RED and you point your head to the ground, I KNOW YOU ARE LYING TO ME!

But I am the better man.

Cause I knew your kid wasn’t 8, yet I still let him hunt in the Easter egg hunt, and in the 5,000 eggs, your cretin found the one lucky egg that had the bike in it.

I’m not mad because I couldn’t stop you from lying.

I’m not mad because I can’t make you prove your son was under 8 at the time of the Easter Egg hunt.

What I can be mad about is the thousand other kids who were between 6 and 8 that were denied a bike because of your greed.

I can be mad that you took advantage of the system.

And now that I told you how much of a sob you are, here is your son’s new bike.

He’s too big for it anyway?

How about that for irony?

You lose, I WIN!

Fredrick was a small town that was originated by two gay frontiersmen named Fred and Rick back in the 1800′s.  Nothing really happened in the town.  It had developed into the #6 retirement community in the the entire south due to the proliferation of antique stores and the town shut down at 8 p.m. daily with the exception of the Polish bar that kept open till midnight.  Oh, what a wild town it was.

When my wife told me that we were going to Fredrick, I thought that there would be something interesting for a thirtysomething couple to do.

“We’re not here to do anything really, except shopping for the children for me, and you get to rest,” Allison said as my mouth dropped.

“Wait a minute dear.  We had a deal.”

“The deal was over when you had a heart attack at 34.  You get to follow the doctors diet, you get to rest in the country and if this week goes well you get to go back to your internet job and heart attack causing lifestyle”

“But,” I knew I was doomed.

“No, you don’t.”

“Fine,” the words I said when I knew that I was doomed.  I had a plan, get away when she slept like a freight train.

Yeah, about that.  We were staying in her parents house 5 miles from the main strip of Fredrick. And when I mean strip, I mean one street that if you moseyed a block over you were surrounded by bed and breakfasts and grumpy old people who hadn’t had enough prune juice in their life.

So the first night, I snuck out at 1 A.M. thinking that I had plenty of time till last call.

I pushed the car down the gravel driveway until it was far away from the house for me to start it up.  I headed down the two lane highway that lead into town to find it deserted.  I walked up to the bar and thinking that maybe it was just a slow night, but how wrong I was.

“Sorry son, Denial county rules say all alcoholic beverages must be served drank no later than midnight. So you can head back home. And by the way Daniel, give my best to your wonderful wife and I won’t tell her that you tried to get a drink when I see her next,” said Sheriff Stone laughing.

I drove back home angrier than ever.

I tried to get onto the family computer but trying to suffer through dial up was completely beyond me.  I tried everything to find some connection that my wireless could pick up but I was in the middle of NOWHERE! There was not a wireless hot spot in the town, not even in the only three star hotel.

“Sorry son, we just don’t have a reason to have it here.  You can head up to Austin if you need it bad enough,” was the excuse that I got.

I was in my own personal hell.

I got back into bed and looked at my wife.

“Did you say hi to Sheriff Stone for me honey,” Allison said as she laughed while turning to hold me?

“I hate this place.  I love you, but I just don’t like you now.”

“Just give it a shot dear.”

“Shoot me, hell, I’ll just borrow your dad’s gun.”

“No, dear.  Let me hold you and you can try something new tomorrow,” she said as she fell asleep holding my shoulder.

I didn’t sleep much that night.  It was quiet.

Too quiet.

The next couple of days were a blur, Allison shopping, me being pack mule and drug around to every shop that I could imagine in hell:

A store that had nothing but cat stuff, including ceramic waving cats, which always freaks me out.

A store that had every sports teams gear, cept my favorite team, reason why … “no one really likes them down here”.

We went to a store that had antique guns, but no bullets.

Oh and don’t get me started on the store that sold nothing but antique doll clothes.

The best that I could do was just resign to the fact that the next couple of days would drive me nuts.

However, the  final night changed the entire way I think of Fredrick.

I was sitting on the porch that had surrounded my in-laws house enjoying a pipe of vanilla tobacco when it walked up to me.

Now, everyone in town talked about the 18 point buck.

It was a legend in the entire county, no one had ever seen the beast that it was.  All the hunters had tried to shoot at it and thought to have failed.  It was huge and had the scars that would terrify any child.  Bambi, this was not.

I didn’t move and stopped even puffing on the pipe as it came closer.

The chair that I was sitting on was on the edge of the porch closest to a large area of grass that I was supposed to mow before we left on Sunday.   And I looked back to find my gun, hell even my father in laws gun to shoot it. I would be the hero of Denial. But I forgot that my gun was in my car and my father in laws was in the gun case locked up because of the last time I came to Denial.  I was in such a hurry to shoot a buck off the porch like my father in law that I forgot about the recoil and I kinda launched myself through a plate glass window.  The family nicknamed me “Secret Service” because of it. I had to find a way to let everyone see that I could either kill it, or hell take a picture of it.

The buck came closer and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.  It slowly moved and started eating something on the ground in between my chair. I slowly tried to move and it immediately jerked up.

I could feel the snorting and snot flying from the nose of the beast. I took a puff of my pipe again and it went back to work eating while I slowly took my phone out so I could take at least a picture of it.

I tried to block the sound out when it took but the noise was just enough.  The buck sprang onto the porch and came closer and closer to me.  I backed up more and more until I was at the door of the house.

As I tried to open the door in the dark the buck came closer until it launched into the air at me.  I heard a loud noise and I blacked out.

I came to in the hospital room with scratches and bruises everywhere and I had a couple broken bones.

“You’re a lucky man, not many people have come that close to an 18 point buck without proper equipment and survived sir,” said the nurse to me.

I tried to get her attention and she finally got my message to bring my phone to me.

I wanted to show her the picture of the buck, but as I scrolled through I found that I only took a picture of the bucks ass and a good portion of my left thumb.

Stupid camera phone.

Stupid buck.

When I got home weeks later my wife had a surprise for me.

“Just keep your eyes closed hun until we get into your office.”

“What’s the big deal? You refile everything while I was gone again dear?”

“Shut up and keep your eyes closed.”

“Fine,” I said knowing that she had something up her sleeve.

“Okay open them,” she said with a laugh.

Now of all the things I wanted in my office, the list included naked playmates, stacks of unmarked cash, hell even the lack of bills would make me happy, I wasn’t expecting to see it hanging on my wall.

“There you go honey, you’ll never forget that moment again.”

On my wall was the eighteen point buck head, with a plaque that read:

To my darling husband
who didn’t flinch much when
I shot the eighteen point
on our porch.

BTW, we named the Buck Dollar

Love, your wife.

I knew I’d be renicknamed Dollar when I got back to Fredrick again.

But this time Allison, I’ll have my weapon near me and I’d only stare at the stars with you next to me.

And I promise I won’t leave the bed after you are asleep ever again.

Now can you please change the dressing on my ear. I can still hear ringing.

Ok, now that I’m awake and after watching the USA lose to Canada in the Gold Metal Game of Olympic Hockey , I’ll give you all an update on the last couple of days.

The Radiothon for CMN went good. We raised $225K and still have the largest radiothon per capita in the US & Canada.

But at the tail end of the Radiothon I was on my last legs.  As we were finishing up the show, a wood plaque and a dry erase board fell from the mini castle we were broadcasting from in the South Plains Mall knocking me dizzy.

After the show was over, since I had been coughing up green phlem and some blood, my darling wife Joanna and co-worker Amy got me to the ER.

I have a tradition of being the first at the Radiothon and the last out.  I couldn’t do it this year.

After CAT-Scan and X-ray’s and other tests the doc told me the following :

Mr Donahue, you have a hole in your left eardrum (which would explain my lack of balance the last three days), you are dehydrated, you have a concussion , you are exhausted, your blood pressure is higher than normal and you have a case of severe bronchitis (which would explain why I have no voice). You need to rest.

So after getting medication and waking up to watch hockey (tail end of third period and OT) and now to tell my mom not to worry. I’m heading back to bed.

I’m probably going to be there till at least Tuesday.

Thanks to all of you for your calls and texts.

I’m ok, just did what I usually do, pour my heart into my work.

Look , if I can see in the Carfax report that it has been a “leased car from El Paso” and I can smell the faint smell of Mary Jane… I’m not going to be busted driving out the lot with it.

I don’t believe you when you say that the small spider web of glass that you tried to hide underneath a well placed visor was “fixed”.

I don’t believe you when you tell me that you want to be my friend.

I don’t care if you say that you served in Desert Storm, or help with your daughter’s Girl Scout troop.

I don’t care if you’ve listened to me on the radio for years and are my biggest fan.

I don’t care if that the “Boss” says that you have $15K in it when I knew you bought it from a car auction in Albequerque.  I’m not paying $21,700 when the value of the car is $16,900.

I don’t care if “it’s an error on the sticker” if something that you advertise is not in the car.

I don’t care if “I can get you a deal on some tires at (a local retailer) ” but won’t drop the price of the car even though the tires have chunks missing out of them.

I don’t care if you will let me take the car over the weekend but after talking to your boss require me to pay for gas to even leave the parking lot.

I won’t buy from you and in the end, the person I do buy from will have my loyalty.

People who screw me, lie to me and try to cheat me…(Ask me to tell you about the time he promised to have some things from the previous owner removed before we bought the house and we found them hid behind duct work.)

Will never get my business EVER.

And I will continue to tell my friends about the people who have hosed me!

I’ll talk about Divorce lawyers NEXT!

John Shuster?

After two miserable performances versus Germany and Norway I think we sent someone else…

Good Grief!

Back on Wednesday…

That is all.

UPDATE : Joanna’s X-ray’s came back negative and all she has now is some deep tissue bruising.

The rest of the story: Normally on days when she has school she takes my 2007 Ford Fusion because on the 30 mile hikes it is better on the gas mileage.

But today instead of taking it , she took her truck.  I had been joking around that I was getting used to driving a truck around, that even the bosses noticed.

She was T-boned by a 1/2 ton truck.  If she had been in my car, God only know what would have happened.

I just thank the Lord that she is alright and is resting at home in bed.

As for everything else, I’m going to let insurance and if necessary, the lawyers handle it.

She is being watched by her friends and co-workers as she doesn’t want to go to the doctor.  I rushed by her side and have now returned to work because there is nothing I can do and “I don’t want to be mothered by you. Go back to work.” She is sitting at her desk typing in course records and trying to do whatever it takes not to get taken to the hospital.  Her boss is keeping me updated.

I would like her to get checked out, but the EMT’s said that she was just bruised and scratched up. All that the ER is going to do is put ice on her bruises and try to give her pain pills that she can’t take because she is allergic to most of them.

If her condition worsens we will be rushing to the emergency room.

Please keep Joanna in your prayers.

All that matters is her well being.

As a post note, the 4 guys in the truck that hit her are all ok even though the front end of their truck was destroyed.

Lubbock Traffic Control was notified because the lights went Green to Red and then gave her a Green Arrow.  They have told us that “there have been reports of problems with the light” and that they are going to look at it now.

The amount of rage that I have was enough for me to spit.  If they knew there was a problem and they didn’t address it, it is NEGLIGENCE on the cities part in my opinion.

But all I am doing now is trying to do a radio show when all I want to say how the City of Lubbock fucked up my wonderful wife.

I get to see her in 2 hours.  My bosses told me I could take the rest of the day off, but what am I going to do? Stare at her while she rests?  She won’t rest anyway. I know her. She is stubborn like me.

So I will go bring her lunch and if necessary take her to the hospital for her legs.  She is sore and the cuts on her hands are band aided up.

There is nothing I can do and I feel so helpless.

But the first words out of her mouth was “I was in an accident”.  My response, “Are you OK?” Her response scared the crap out of me, “what answer won’t get me in trouble?” I go to the accident scene as soon as I could, less than a mile from the house.  All she could do was cry and let me hold her.

I don’t care about the truck.

I don’t care about the insurance rates.

I don’t care about the expenses of getting the truck to the repair shop or the insurance bill.

All I care about is Joanna.

How she is hurt and how I can make her better.

That’s all that matters.

p.s. Special thanks to Jeff Krueger who helped me get the wrecker and repair shop lined up and truck delivered to.  You are a TRUE friend!