Life

Please explain to me the following…

I need help. You my friends & readers can assist me.

Can you please explain why my wife leaving me & taking the kids 1100 miles away so my kids “don’t know me” is my fault?

Can you please explain how my 14 year old daughter can say words like “I love you, but since I’m here in Indiana & I never get to see you so I really don’t know you” hurts any less?

Can you please explain how having a career and a job that paid the bills was the wrong move?

Should I have dropped everything & moved to Indiana, knowing that I would be miserable?

Can you explain why it feels like I have no emotion left?

Can you tell me that my kids will always love me?

I know that being 14 and 11 that my kids are going through a roller coaster of hormones and feelings.

But I want my daughter & son back.

I want them laughing & fighting, arguing & teasing, smiling & sleeping. I want the good times , the bad times, everything.

Most of all I want them to call me Dad not their step dad Brandon.

I thought I couldn’t get any lower.

I was wrong.

It’s on me.

I’ve lost the ability to speak. Not figuratively, but emotionally, mentally. I’m looking to make changes but spinning my wheels. So I took a 3 day weekend off of Facebook and I gleaned some clarity.

I’m not writing enough, I’m not challenging others as I should be challenging me.

I let everyone in, but I don’t have the freedom to say what I need to say. I don’t offend people and I try to be everyone’s friend.

How does that work out for me?

I’ve got things to do and I may tick people off.

But I have to do them for me.

It isn’t easy to say you care about people, but it is much different when you have to do what you speak, if you don’t believe it.

People like me. I’m intense, I get the job done and I may ruffle feathers, but I care about the final outcome.

If you need my help, ask me and I will be there. But you better damn well be there for me,or I’ll never help you ever again.

A former intern came to me asking for a recommendation. She asked for me to put my name, heart, and soul backing her for a position.

I didn’t.

She falsified documents and I was no wiser to it until a background check brought it up.

I could have kept quiet, let her move on with her life.

I didn’t.

Part of me feels terrible about my impact on her current job situation.

Most of me doesn’t give a shit. She lied, tried to get me to back her up.

My name is all I have and I refuse to let it be tarnished.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. This was hers. She lied, I called her out on it and she is now unemployed.

I destroyed her life, some of you may say. No, I didn’t. She did when she lied to me, lied to her teachers, lied to her employers and lies to this day.

I have no sympathy for her.

So while I have been struggling with sleeplessness I discovered that my voice is gone. I don’t have what I used to.

It’s my own damn fault.

I was trained wrongly and by unethical people but the responsibility to accept their teaching was my own.

Now that I know differently, I have to make changes that I KNOW will make a difference and make up for those mistakes that I have made.

Perfect am I? Hell no.

But perfectly satisfied to be better in whatever I choose to do.

That’s on me.

I almost gave up on one kid when it is my responsibility to kick him in the ass. So the asskicking starts this morning.

I’m going to continue to shuffle paper, but try and improve who I am and what I do daily.

I’m going to try and be a better man for my wife and kids.

I’m going to walk into my office with the same pride and joy that I do everyday, but find ways to do the things I love better.

I’m going to try and write more, do things with friends and visit my kids in Indiana.

It’s not going to be easy.

But when has life made it easy for any of us.

What you send into the world…

I look to each day for the sun to rise so I might be fortunate enough to see it set.

A friend of mine has sent out a post talking about people who don’t seem to have a public filter.

This is my response:

What you put out into the world is what you are going to get back. Some people need help, they are begging for it and they don’t have a platform than the one that FB allows them to have.

Until my last breath comes from my mouth I will encourage, love and support, knowing that the love I send out is what I would like to come back to me.

Some people can’t digest the problems that the Lord may have given them. I have personally lost (as in no longer on this plane of existence) my mentor, 3 friends, a girl I used to date , a sister, a brother and other people I have known in the last 15 years of my life. When I went to the doctor to get medication he asked me what stress I had been under and I unloaded upon him, talking about my divorce and EVERYTHING.

“Sean, I am surprised to see you still walking,” the ER doc said as he prescribed me sleeping pills so I could rest without having the burden of my dead brother to trouble me. “I have seen people who have had less gone insane, but all you have wrong is not sleeping,” he asked me?

Everyone deals with stress and the way of problems differently.

I am here if people need me, but I damn well expect them to be there when I need them.

Those who aren’t when I need them after I have helped them, find the solace of my voicemail.

Sometimes being a friend is holding someone because they need help, and sometimes it’s jumping in the hole with them.

I am far from perfect and my life isn’t great. But I continue to positively look and help others, not expecting for anything in return.

I don’t put everything out there for the world to see. I have a locked twitter, locked tumblr and a  locked wordpress blog where when I choose to speak something to get it off my chest, I do.

When I used to put everything out there, the world came knocking at my door, hating for the truths that I spoke. I was punished at my job and people I respected turned into people I can’t stand to this very day.

Now, I speak when I want to speak, reminding myself daily that what I send out into the world, I should expect returned to me 1000 times.

hope goes down the drain (Photo credit: freebeets)

Hope only goes down the drain if you shove it between the grates.

Why I hate valentines day and I miss my brother.

This is my strength. This is my soul. This was my brother.

Tonight as I tossed and turned in my sleep I remember why I wished Joanna was here tonight. I can never sleep the night before your birthday. I always remember how you once told me, “Stop letting the fuckers get you down.” I’ve shed a majority of the weak links in my life. You told me that you were proud of me because I went to St. Louis to play in that poker tournament. Even though I was disappointed even though I final tabled it, you were proud of me for nutting up and just going. You kept me honest, and was fair to me. Even though I think your good heart was taken advantage of, you still loved those who betrayed you. That’s why you will always have a place in my heart and that’s why I still give my heart to those who need it.

Though you are no longer on this earth, I feel you touch my heart and soul each day. I am here for a higher purpose and I hope you will guide me to it. It’s been six years. And it hasn’t been an easy six.

Joanna asks me about stories about us and I bring up the days where we both cried and we were both strong. We’d play golf in a dust storm just so we could spend time together. Many people have asked me why I have the tile in my bathroom & kitchen and if I would change it. I told them to fuck off and I mean it. Those were the last things we did together. Though I watched as you worked using the skills that you had learned. Then you came up to the radio station to watch me work. We were both in awe of each other. I remember when you got up on the desk to sign the ceiling tile surrounded by radio talent who had signed before. You didn’t understand the pride the ratings meant to me, but you wanted to leave your mark. You found a blank tile and signed it :

I Love You Brother – Patman

I still have that ceiling tile in my office and it will go home with me when I leave. Not because I need the ceiling tile but because it is a link to you.

I’ve been strong when I once was weak. I’ve cried when once I hid my feelings. Nothing ever changes but yet it did. I don’t mourn your death, I don’t mourn your loss. I mourn not hearing your voice. I mourn not playing golf with you. I mourn talking poker and drinking Irish Whisky with you. I mourn a lot of things. But I see stars shining and I know you are there.

There are days where I wish I could be next to you, telling stories and calling bullshit on you as you have done so for me. But I guess I have more work on this earth.

Today would have been your 39th birthday and I would have given you shit all day. I can still hear you say “I can still take you old man.”

I miss you Patrick.  Happy Birthday Brother!

Love,

Your Big Brother,

Sean

Too busy to answer

I’m part of a group of individuals who support something.

Recently on the non official FB group, one individual has found a way to isolate everyone around. Problems of the group include egos, fear and lack of information

Another group of people I know have become the most self destructive group ever. Once again it’s a combination of ego, fear and self importance.

I left both groups because there are more important things in my life than drama. I have two wonderful kids, a WONDERFUL wife and a job, that even though it has drama, understands me for who I am and lets me succeed.

Today I’ve been given two e-mails one from each group asking me “Where have you been, we miss you!” Read more…