Life is moving on

take care of the puppies.

I have stories to tell and I will work on them. The book has been keeping me busy. Thanks to my bitchslapper, I mean editors who have been making me rewrite again and again.

Sometimes life just stands still…

There are moments that you wish you could change.

I’ve had those moments in my life in the past.

I’ve made bad choices, been too impulsive, lied to myself to make me feel that I wasn’t getting used.

But sometimes the only way that life can move on if you chip through the frozen cube that you have been given.

There are places when you have to make choices that you don’t like.

But in the end, I’ve made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

Thank goodness I have the love of my wife, family and special friends.

For those of you who don’t understand it’s because I can’t say what I need to say. I don’t have the release that I used to.

I’ve been trapped in a frozen world of my own choosing.

And I have to find the ice pick and start chipping.

The people who had proven not to be my friends have been weeded from my life.

And the best part of it, I really don’t miss them.

The migraine that I’ve suffered all day with hasn’t gone away yet.

And I don’t anticipate it going away until the stress I’ve been under goes away.

But tonight I had a great time watching TV, holding my wife, and attempting to find a way through the ice.

My prayers are still with my friends ,the Schoonvelt family, and my great friend Kerri.  Keep smiling my dear, everything will work out in the end.

My wife has been so wonderful these last couple of days and I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. Joanna, you make me smile, even when it hurts. I love you!

I’m going to try and play some live poker on Wednesday because what’s been going on online is not poker, just a game of outdraw.

Family Update:

Mom & Dad are back home from their cruise and I’m glad to have them back onshore.

The kids are great and I can’t wait to see how they have changed when I get to see them soon.

As for everything else…

It’s just life.

She could have been in the Fusion.

She could have been hurt more severely.

Her truck has some owies.

Only thing that matters is that she is ok.

Joanna, it will be ok. We’ll take care of your baby.

Don’t make fun that it is a GMC Wawfuls! She is already hurt enough!

How many times have I said no since Joanna and I started to mourn the loss of our wonderful family member Mugsy Red Raider Von Lubbock?

It was closing in on a cool 10K when I talked to my mom.

She was the former breeder and knew all the places to find good dogs and where to separate the wheat from the chaff as my late grandpa might say.

So, one night before Christmas, right before mom was to go onto a trip to Switzerland and Germany to go to market, I brought up the idea.

She was cautious but excited.

“He would want you to move on…, ” she said with a tone in her voice that I have heard many times but ignored.

I let it go and never brought it up again until Friday night as a lark.

“Why don’t you find us a puppy mom?”

“Two,” Joanna said with the tone of more of a wish, than a request.

“ONE, no more. No less.”

So Mom was off and Friday was a bust, her usual suspects were either out of the business or had changes their number.

I had completely forgotten about it, and Joanna was sad, but knew that when the time was right, we’d find the right dog.

Now, my mom had started again on Saturday and had asked of me and Jo our favorite things to look for. Joanna wanted a Black and Tan Dachshund, but it didn’t matter to me. It was about the personality that had molded me from Brooke, grandpa’s black lab, to Mugs, that to this day must not be taunted.

“When you see my dog mom, you’ll know. You’ll see something in his eye, a fire that won’t quit. If you see that. You will have found my dog.”

I had forgotten about that early in the day call, knowing that no matter what, if something was going to happen, it would happen when I least expected it.

Joanna and I were having a late dinner at On the Border (sorry FTC, no payment by them here) when Mom called. I had my mouth full and I missed the call and just thought that I would call her back.

Then she called again.

Something was up.

“You have a new baby dachshund, a black and tan dapple. Beautiful markings and Sean, I saw a couple of others, but this dog had fire. He was fearless in playing with the dogs much larger than he.”

Joanna and I had some names in mind, but I never named a dog without looking at him, I mean, there are some dogs that are named SPOT for a reason.

Joanna HAD to go to Petsmart, then Target (dog Woof!) to get the animal all sorts of appropriate items. She looked at dog clothing but my John Casey growl caused her to walk away.

So we went to the house staying up till two in the morning, cleaning the house preparing for one dog.  Joanna wanted to get the dog right then, but I thought that we should wait until the 30th and I would pick up the dog while she was doing a jewelry party in San Angelo. However, life isn’t how we plan sometimes.

And along came Keegan

The next morning as we woke up to go to church my dad and mom called.

One of my nieces, Kaitlyn had fallen MADLY in love with “Spotty” as she called him.

“If you don’t come and get him today, you’ll lose him. I can guarantee that,” my dad said.

My dad rarely kids.

I told my mom that we really wasn’t prepared to go.

She was disappointed and I took a shower trying to figure out how I could get the dog on Saturday after my promotional remote for work.

I had things that I had to bring my Mom and Dad, gifts from Angel Fire and from the wedding that somehow wasn’t given to them.

And I left them all on the counter.

I had brought a dusty soft plastic dog kennel and a blanket and we had reached a little past Abilene when my Mom, who had given in and went to get my niece Kaitlyn her own puppy, called and asked the question that has turned this family upside down…

“Would you like another one? Someone to play with while you two are at work?” There was nothing I can do, but hand the phone to Joanna and a glint in her eye of pure joy began.

“You need to work on the fence tonight,” she said as she hung up the phone.

I had a premonition that no matter what happened, that I wouldn’t be working on the fence that night.

So as we got to my parents house Dad opened the door and ignoring requests for hugs until we forced them on him, led us to the cage.

Led us to our dog.

Now he was the our one choice, the perfect dog. And Aengus is gaelic for One Choice so Aengus McGee joined our family.

We played outside and had some fun and Mom brought in our second dog. He shook and shook , scared as he could be.

But when we let him down to potty he became an Olympic athlete.  He darted from here and there, wiggling out of peoples hands and he was so smart that he would do things so we wouldn’t catch him (i.e. hiding underneath the truck).

We named him Keegan Patrick, Keegan for his fiery personality and speed, and Patrick for my late brother, who seemed to always be wiggling out of situations.

After dinner and hugs, we started for home.

But we had to drop off a thank you note at Joanna’s Aunt’s house and while the dogs both enjoyed the use of her yard to relax and piddle, I watched the 3rd quarter of the Saints game.  Joanna showed her aunt pictures of the wedding on their computer.

We , since the dogs were tired now and kenneled up in their travel carrier, headed home, stopping twice more to let them out for stretching and doing their business.

Finally home.

We finally got home at 2 A.M. and took them to their new huge box and crashed watching them look at us and then crawl into a ball on their blanket.

We took them to the vet because Aengus had a very bloody stool this afternoon and we were concerned.

The vet gave both dogs medicine for Aengus’s bacterial infection and said that they thought Aengus may have worms but they thought it was just a hair.

Joanna came home to study for her EMT exam, as I reorganized the newly improved kitchen  cabinets when Joanna called me to help clean up dog poo.

And TRAGEDY, as I saw the little signs of a puppy who has worms.

So tomorrow we have to notify the vet, that they were wrong and that the dogs both need to be dewormed AGAIN.

We notified my mom to have her have the other dogs that were bought from this breeder checked out.

And I find quite ironic, that the dog that we named for the Wiggle Worm, may not have worms, but the “One Choice” did.

And that my friends is just another story that once again you can’t make up.

Other things that I know:

• No matter how hard I try, the garage door will have to be looked at after the first of the year.  The stopping in the middle of the way up is annoying as hell!

• Big Win for the Red Raiders last night versus Washington. But it means NOTHING unless you follow it up with a win versus TCU on Tuesday. Winning at home is expected. Winning on the road is where you make your RPI look good for the NCAA’s.
• It’s not the holidays. It’s CHRISTMAS DAMMIT!  I’m so tired of people filled to the brim with political correctness.  The holiday that causes people to wait for deals at 4 in the morning isn’t Kwanzaa, it isn’t Festivus, it’s Christmas.   Stop wasting my time with “Happy Holidays”. It’s either Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah.  All the other imitators need to go away now.
• I know that if  it takes a paid subscription to read your stuff , I won’t be subscribing.
• I’ve wanted it to snow more and more and every time I hear 1- 3 inches expected we get nothing. It’s kinda disappointing. All I want them to say is “this storm won’t drop much” , and then we’ll get three feet.
• That the wedding is closer and what needs to be done are the little things.  But those little things are KILLING Joanna and I now.  If we had a weekend to get it all done it would be easy. But it isn’t . Joanna leaves in 8 days to go home for her final wedding preparations.
• I will say it for the record. I am NOT NERVOUS!  Just depending on other people to take care of certain things are driving me crazy! The wedding planner for the site is horrendous.

Alot of work this week for the wedding with wedding music. I’m putting together the list and the computer with the music on it. I refuse to have the following songs played at my wedding :

We aren’t having a DJ at the wedding reception because :

A. We don’t have the room in the room to have a DJ.

B.  I’m not listening to crap at my wedding. I remember some of the music that the “Alleged DJ” thought would be “perfect” for my first wedding, and watched as the dance floor stayed empty.  We’ll have a great mix of rock , country , a little hip hop. But unfortunately, I can’t have Steel Panther played at the wedding reception otherwise I’d offend the offensive.

C. We have a former XM Satellite PD as our official button pusher/programmer.  Thanks John for helping us out!

D. The usual requests at the wedding are so esoteric that we would rather listen to music that we like rather than what other people like. Maybe that’s a bit selfish, but it is our day. I have no desire to listen to anyone that I can’t stand ie The Macarena, Anything by Vince Gill, Joanna has banned U2 and I’m still wavering on the chicken dance. It may be on the play list but it won’t be pulled out unless I’m feeling right!

One last reunion…

In a way , this may be the last time I’m going to be seeing this group of my good friends together again ever.  Each of the wedding party on my side has a special purpose. In Alphabetical Order:

My best goat blowing friend Joe… What can I say? We toughed out some of the toughest years of our lives with the other encouraging the other.  When he was dealing with Family Auto Spots, I was laughing along with him.  When I was dealing with divorce, he was there to tell me that I would find love again.  As for the goat blowing, its a inside joke.  I was honored to be Joe’s best man at the wedding of him and Ann.

My brother Liam…  He is my tie to my family, been there for the last 29 years supporting me when I wanted to pull away from everyone and hide in Lubbock.  He’s the one who told me to go play cards after Pat died and started me back onto the road of self strength.  I know when the phone is ringing at 1 in the morning that it could be only one man. My brother. I can depend on him.

My college friend Mitchell… who has been there since college, doling out the advice on a when I really needed it basis.  Stayed quiet when I discussed Angie before I got married the first time, but now tells me how Joanna is such a good fit for me. If he approves someone, he will back them up. Also knows where the bodies are hidden and where to hide them !

My work friend Reid… host of donahue.org, instanttragedy.com and my first friend in radio in Lubbock.  We worked overnights , him at FM 99, me at KLLL and yet we’d talk to each other to keep each other awake. Bring the term Eleanor Roosevelt up to him and he’ll tell you a sidesplitting story about screwing with Kelli the overnight woman at Mix. Don’t forget the chicken call and some of the more interesting .

My brother from another mother Shawn… What can I say about Shawn?  We played cards, and helped each other with our poker play. Him to a world series seat, me to a top 6 finish in the APL National Championships. I knew he was a great guy when him and Curtis just listened to me talk to my kids one time back from the lake to Oklahoma City and pulled me aside to say that he knew my pain and he would always be behind me.  Unquestioned friendship. I’d tell you more, but he’d ask for a dollar for the bad beat story.

And there are many other people that I could substitute in there  for almost each of them.  People that have made an impact in my life; Dalby, Hyatt, Ken, Jon, McDermott and the list would continue on and on.  But I chose this fabulous five for this moment.  At this time I needed them, and they will be there.

The days approach to the wedding, and I have no fears.  Except the one where the wedding planner doesn’t call us back.

I found out that I have to be at work at 5A on Friday. Joy. I’m SOOOOOO Excited. Maybe I can get some shopping done before my shift at 9A.

When it rains it pours…

A week ago I didn’t think Joanna and I would have Thanksgiving plans.  Since I work at the aforementioned 5A on Black Friday, I would be unable to have Thanksgiving with either of our families in Hurst and Fredricksburg.

We’ve been busy doing things for other people and getting Jewelry parties set up as well as wedding showers for Joanna and we’ve been too busy to think of what we are going to do for Thanksgiving.  Just Sunday night, her parents asked us what we were doing for T-Day.

I just stared at her as I held her on the couch and said…

“Right now we don’t have any solid plans,” I said clueless to the Big Guy’s plan.

Because my usual single place for Thanksgiving – Dennis and Kristi Simmons , well, he’s the wide receivers coach for Tech and I had it in my mind that he would have practice in preparation for the FRIDAY game and not holding Thanksgiving this year.  Except the game is on Saturday at Jimmy World in Dallas.

So they kindly invited us back for yet another year of shenanigans starting at 2. BTW Kristi cheats at cards.  I’m not kidding, just ask Dee Brown.  But I still hold the Turkey Bowl Trophy for spades against her and my wife to be. (Have I mentioned that they cheat horribly?)

COOL! We are normally done at 7 or so and I usually rolls myself into bed for a nice winters nap.

WRONG

Yesterday we were invited at 7 to the Dalby’s for a Thanksgiving Feast. I love Kym and Mike Dalby. She’s a nurse, he’s a firefighter and there isn’t a bad time that we have EVER had with them.  Every year I find a way to sneak out a Fantasy Football win against him and he is always yelling my name in vain.

By the way GO NEW YORK NASTY BOYS!!!!!

SCORE!  So we get baby Ava time with the Dalby’s because Mike won’t get home from the Fire Station till after 6-6:30.  Every man needs to wind down a bit before he has to carve turkey!

Then this morning at 7:45 in the morning… we were invited to the Kruegers for a Thanksgiving shot of goodwill Thanksgiving morning.

A couple of days ago I was cursing because I felt that Thanksgiving would be a quiet one between Joanna and I.

Now , we will be surrounded by our friends being very thankful that they are in our lives.

Tonight it will be “Go to the wine store and figure out what Lubbock wine will go the best with Turkey!”

I’m a blessed man.

ERROR ! DOES NOT COMPUTE

Now I admit last night I got very frustrated because I was working on an accounting issue for someone I love.  However my English and her English were not meshing.

Because she LEFT SOMETHING OUT!

Now the logical part of me is going crazy because she doesn’t give me all the facts.  It was like this…

“How does 2 +1 = 4? Because it doesn’t!”

“But 2 + 1 + 1 = 4!”

“Where did the other 1 come from?”

“Didn’t I tell you about the other 1?”

“NO!” (red angry face)

“Oops!”

I’m a logical person but in every equation you can’t solve for X if there isn’t a X to solve for.

25 days and I can’t wait.

Each day we get closer and closer, and each day I look more forward to it all being done and she being mine…

FOREVER!

However, we have made significant motions on eliminating certain bills and Jo and I have made efforts to make the wedding a special event.

Save the date cards have been sent and yet still some have gone missing.

Alabama, Washington state and Boston seem to be places where cards are yet to arrive.

I still need to know if the mail is working in Canada.

Because the joyful invitations are going out, and I’d like to make sure that my special friends are at our special event.

Nothing but work on Saturday and Sunday was a cleaning the house and doing the laundry day.

But I have great thoughts and plans for Monday!

Yes I do.  Thanks to those of you who still stop by.

It’s a business I tell you, relationships with my ex is just a business, just pay the money, smile and laugh.

And I have, but lately Shelby is asking to live with me and I’m so tempted to say, “YES, come down here. Joanna and I can take care of you.”

But that isn’t true.  I can’t take care of her because my hours are far from steady and normal.  Hell neither of Joanna and my hours are.

Take last night, I was at a remote at Buffalo Wild Wings, something that hasn’t happened for a long time and I wanted to just prove that I could deliver for them.  And I did, converting their QB1 from 2 players on Sunday (ALL DAY) to 20 in one night.  I felt good and I didn’t get home till 8 P.

Now it’s hard when you have limited local friends and family members are 5 hours away.  I didn’t think that it would be good for Shelby and Ryan to be living in my unpredictable life back when Angie left.

Now I could have gotten a court order to keep her in a nine country range, but I let her go. I did what I thought was best and karma would pay me back.

“Daddy, do you think you’d mind if I could come live with you after my cat dies? I know you are allergic to cats and I don’t want you to get sick,” Shelby told me last week.

I just looked at the phone and a tear fell, “When the time is right you will be here, Shelby.”

“Maybe I can go to Texas Tech and live with you.”

“I’d like that,” I said as I started to shut down.

That’s when I got sick.  I had worked the last two weeks preparing for the Eddie Money show and I ran myself down.

Thus when yesterday I started the phlegm and puke parade I wasn’t surprised.

But I wasn’t sad. It wasn’t tragic.  It was life.  And Johnny, life isn’t miserable.  I have a great woman who loves me and offers me opportunities to grow, love and fight for things that mean something to me.

I’m playing poker again. And winning.

I’m writing on the second half of the novel… and I think I’m seeing clearer than I ever have.

Finances still suck.  And last night an opportunity presented itself.

When I left the bar I checked the envelope that had my pay from the event.

And it was double what it was supposed to be.

And a moment presented itself.

I could :

A. Take the extra money, say nothing, think that it was a bonus that was earned for my hard work.

B. Take the extra money, and thank the poor shmuck who is going to have to pay it back.

C. Take the extra money, and think that it was karma paying me back for the $100 that I lost in the Texas Tech press box at the Rice game.

D. Go back and explain that something was wrong.

Obviously you know which choice I made.

But would you make the same choice?

Karma will pay me back in the future.

I have seen the darkness and I have stared into the empty soul and depression that it has. I have laughed in its face and heard an evil laugh returning to me.

But I could not look at the evil without seeing in it, a piece of me. All of my failures and yet I also saw the successes behind those failures.

What do they have to do with now?

Absolutely nothing…

that I can say.

In the days before the darkest times in humanity there have been souls burdened with things that they could not explain nor say.  It was their load to bear.

I’ve hidden from most and changed in ways I like, and in ways I loathe.

I look at the evil and yet in the mirror, the evil is me.

I have to face the pain and move into something great. Most of the great ones have failed. I have failed for I have not yet lived.  I have worried myself sick, and done things that were to protect me, and yet I have not experience life.

I look to the shephards to my left and to my right and see the glory and pain.  For me to succeed I must take a shot, a chance.

If it goes well, I’ll let you know.

If it doesn’t I will still let you know.

Before I wrote to hide my pain, but now I write for I hunger.  And that hunger hasn’t been fed in a long while.  I am moving away from some things and back to others.

Hopefully, I have chosen correctly.