Instant Sean

Change…

I’ve been working on a lot of projects this last couple of months…

So lets get you caught up:

I found a wonderful woman, lost her, found her again.

I had issues at work which I can’t mention and have made adjustments to correct the issues.

I haven’t played poker much because I haven’t been home much, lot of work, lot of renovation, lot of Texas Tech Football, lot of don’t care.

I have lost my voice, not only physically but mentally.  I used to write because I had something to say, but recently I lost it due to actions in and beyond my control.  It took a while for me to find my voice again.  Not to succomb to the death of what gave me joy for so long, the ability and the desire to write.

And only have I found peace recently.  Peace in my heart and peace in my mind.

I won’t be controlled or manipulated.  I will just be there for those of you I deem important to be around.  Recently I had made choices that I thought were in the best interest of my family, my future and myself.  All those assumptions were wrong.  I needed to not see what I was missing to realize that I wasn’t missing anything at all.

I have had the realization that there are special friends who care and who have been my advocates in many forms and function.  I have had those who have shown their true colors.  And I have seen the difference. 

I have made mistakes that have hurt me, but were in the best interest of me.  I won’t and can’t do things the same way every time.

And I have shut down.  Not like my usual once a year weekly shutdown that occurs after the Radiothon or before my birthday.  This was a shutdown of my emotions.

I lost Mugsy, my precious dog.  To some of my readers, he was just an animal.  But to me, he was my sanity when Angie left me and took the kids.  When my grandfather died, my dog knew when I was low and tried to help.  When Pat died, he knew my anger.  But I never was good enough to him, snapping at him when he would bark or when he would bark at the front door when there was no one there.  I was wrong Mugs.  There was someone there that night and you tried your damnest to make sure I was safe.  I should have checked up on you after you ran out the dog door.  You did your job my friend.

I took time to wake up and see a sunrise and see the majesty of a painted masterpiece that I rarely see.  I drove outside of town to see the stars. And I saw into my soul.

Now some of you would see this as an attempt to say “Everything is going to be alright.”  I already know that. 

That’s not what this post is about. This post is about cleaning old things out.

I have been working on removing the crappy old carpet and replacing it.  When the chair rail is put up in the next couple of weeks I will put up the pictures of the before and after.  But I don’t think that you need to see what’s in the past or in the future.

For the past is the lessons that we have all learned and all will learn.  The future is where we walk hand in hand together.  Some of us have fallen or taken another path.  Some of us will not walk together, our paths have diverged from each other. But the path I am on is a glorious one my friends.  I take each step looking forward to the next step.

And that’s what’s different.  It’s not who we have elected or who we didn’t, it’s not the price of my 401k from three years ago to now.  It’s the path and the walk that has made the difference.

I have made bad judgments on working with people on things that I had no right to involve myself in or get pulled into. I have worked with people that I have tried to overlook flaws that have affected the way I worked with them.  I have tried to work with people that I should have passed on because I wanted so bad to make something of my life.  I made mistakes.

But I have also have had some incredible successes in the last couple of months.

I put up a ceiling fan by myself without electricuting myself, I helped lay wood flooring down in the kids room and I have painted like I have never painted before.  Patrick would be proud. 

I have finally completed my emergency fund so I am safe for a month and I am trying to build on it with the $1000 in 30 days challenge.  So far I’ve got $175 in the fund and I think I can put more away to hit my goal.  I am extremely proud of myself.

I actually had Joanna put the thought into my head of going back to school and finishing my degree part time.  The mere thought of getting my degree finally puts a smile on my face and one day, and it may be soon, I might just start down that path again.

I’ve had other successes that I would and could enumerate… but why bother?  I have survived the darkness and have seen the light.

I would like to, without a shadow of a doubt, go to Vegas for the December blogger gathering.  But I cannot.  Work, flights and things out of my control will keep me from attending.  My next blogger gathering will be at Okie-Vegas III or is it IV.  I can not wait till July to see my friends again.

I still have hopes, dreams and desires of greatness and of miracles. 

If you read through all of this, miracle one achieved.

Sean

IF…

We all say if…

…I could get that promotion.

…I could meet the right person.

…I could afford that new thing that I want so bad.

…I could win the lottery.

So after talking to OhCaptain this morning about what I would do since I couldn’t make it up to his Halloween poker game,  I’m putting my list now.

IF I WON THE LOTTERY…

I would do these 11 things:

1. I would continue working.  Why leave my job?  I would give more visability to my station and would have the ability to just tell the boss “Bite me!”  What’s the worst that could happen? They could fire me?
2. I would establish scholarships for Shelby and Ryan so they could go to whatever school they would like to go to.
3. I would pay off my families debt.  Then they would be told that they are on their own.  They get a free get out of debt payment and that way I feel like I have allowed to not only change my life but the lives of those I love.
4. I would go and buy me a 1964 1/2 Mustang that looks just like the one my dad got stolen and stripped from him.  I would give it to my dad.
5. I would finish restoring my 67 Mustang.
6. I would pay off my current house and build my dream house.
7. I would go back to school.
8. I would make than one blogger gathering a year.
9. I’d tell someone that is clueless, the truth about what I think about them and then tag the end of it with “and that’s why I think you’re a miserable excuse for a human,” hand thema check for $5,000 and walk away.
10. I would give a charity very close to my heart a large donation, and then tell them to never ask me again.
11. Take the remaining $ invest it in secure instruments and live my life like each day would be my last.

That’s what I would do If I won the lottery. 

Doc Chako, The Wife, OhCaptain, Waffles, Riggstad and of course Joanna are officially tagged.

Finishing the list…

We all have the list. The things to do list, the list that never seems to empty.

Well, today I finished creating the “List” .  The things that I want to do in the next 5 years.

What they are…

Read more…

Come around and let me tell you a tale…

The last three days have been the closest to hell that one man can experience.

On second thought that is incorrect.  I could still be with my ex-wife. Hah, I still got it.

I’ve had to visit and get turned away from the emergency room twice.  Yup twice, the first time I had planned to go and see the emergency room again, because since they ad put the stitches in, the follow up would be at no charge.  I was going to do anything that was going to keep me from having to pay even more when I had a chance to get it done for free.  So I went up there on Monday night after dropping “HIM” at his hotel room. 

But when I got there I knew there was going to be a challenge.  You see, I’m not patient,especially when I have to wait.  But as I drove up I knew that there would be no room at the inn.

Why and how do you ask did I know that?  Because the entire waiting area was full and they had broken into the “pull up the folding chairs from storage mode.”  Not going to be my night.  The stitches were bothering me and I wanted to get them out before they would get infected. 

So Tuesday night I tried again.  I thought I had a better shot but after an hour of waiting I couldn’t wait any more.  I was too tired and had to wake up at six thirty to pick up the vice president.

What vice president?  Why, “HIM” the big boss is in town. 

I’ve had a ton of things on my mind lately.  I’ve been thinking about choices that I have made and the ones that I have needed to make in the future.

But there was no time or writing, reading, thinking, for when the boss is in town, it’s Boss Distraction Mode.  I’m the most dependable guy at the station for me to keep my boss busy.  Keep him talking and entertain him and leave my immediate bosses to glory. 

They deserve the time away from the VP, while I am still “earning my wings”.  One day I will have a subordinate that I can dispatch to take ‘the heat’ while I am with my family.

So I entertained the boss and had him buy dinner at the local bosses favorite steakhouse.  Why not?  To the workers sometimes go the spoils.

I entertained him and got a lot accomplished for my station.  I even stirred it up in the local community.

Recently the City of Lubbock decided not to allow the Texas Tech Club Hockey team to use the Lubbock Municipal Coliseum anymore because in the “new administration’s” thought that they would rather keep the place dark than to actually have entertainment including Club hockey, family skating night etc.  The city ran a $3,800 loss from the last year of operation.

The city decided in a 5-2 decision to not accept a new contract for Texas Tech Club Team to play, and to turn the ice off.  Yup, they were cold hearted and decided to quit as the team was about ready to start their 2008-2009 season.  Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention that the Big 12 Championships for Ice Hockey was supposed to be held in Lubbock.

I didn’t like what I was hearing.  After limited consultation with others, I put a plan in motion.

“Save Tech Hockey: Call the Lubbock City Council NOW”.  It was a call to action, I called out all the councilman who voted against the plan and asked them if we raised the $3,800 shortfall could we please have hockey.

Two councilpeople called me back and I interviewed them.

The other 5, well um, I think I won’t be expecting Christmas cards from them.

It was so huge that we got local TV exposure on Newschannel 11. And the VP was happy.  I got exposure during a crucial part of the year and made the station look like a hero.

Mission accomplished.

But then, as I was celebrating victory in my mind, my foot started to ache.  An unhealthy ache.

Yup, the toe was infected and it was WAY to late for me to get anything done on it yesterday.

The plan was to hand off the boss to others so I could sneak off to at best the ER so the foot could get looked at or at worst my family doc, who would charge me, snip and shoot me up with meds.

Oh, did I mention I was doing all this without pain meds the last week?

Forgot to mention that huh?  Well the pain meds I was on made me completely goofy and caused me to have nice little memory blackouts.  I wasn’t willing to have the blackouts in exchange for the cessation of pain, so I just went with the pain.

SO… I finally got a friend who beat me up without mercy the other night when she saw my foot in stitches. “Why did you go to the emergency room?  All you had to do is call me up and I would have had my husband the ER nurse fix you right up!”

Well hell.  So tonight she hooked me up with his number and tomorrow night he is going to snip and anti-biotic me up.

So BOoooooooooooooooom!

I’ve been reading all the trip reports from the Bash with Alcanthang, Evy, Bam-Bam and friends most excellent time.  I am intrigued by some of the stories by The Wife, Doc Chako and the missing glasses from Kat.  Take it from someone who almost lost their glasses in Oklahoma at Okie-Vegas.  I can feel the panic that she had.

I really wish I could have been there. It would have been a blast, but my priority is to get the kids bedroom finished up this weekend and at least make a good start on the bathroom.  I’m not kidding myself when I try and say it will be all done when Liam and Ally make their appearance for the Nebraska game on the 11th.  I was set back a week with my little foot injury and I hope that I can make the house presentable for them when they do arrive.

(This evening Joanna asked me if I had been thinking of Patrick when I wrote the above paragraph.  I had put Pat and Ally instead of Liam and Ally.  Sorry Liam, I had our brother on my mind.)

My kids are so excited that their room is painted and has new floors and Ryan told me today that he wants to have a “racecar poster” on his side of the room.  Shelby has asked that we paint flowers on her side of the room.

Me I’d be happy if the room was totally finished.

Joanna and I traded taking care of each other this week.  She took care of me on Saturday, Sunday and Monday and I’ve taken care of her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Hopefully we will be done with this crap by Friday so we can REALLY focus on the house.

I’ve been hiding, unintentionally, from my blog and from my poker playing brethren.  It was not an oversight I wanted to make.  Hell, I have two Heroes and a Chuck episode to catch up on.  I’ve been behind in life.

But I think that sometimes the choices you make, may hurt people in the short term, but may be the best choices fro you in the long term.

This recent break, due to illness and work has caused me to reevaluate what’s important in my life.

And when I told Joanna to “Honey, I love you, but go away, I really need to get some things written down that I have been thinking of.” I wasn’t surprised at all when she told me to “Get it done.”

Because that is our relationship, we both push each other to be better and she knows that when things are bottled up inside me that nothing good will come of it.

Something was bottled up inside me and I had to get out tonight.

It is with great sadness that we have to report the passing of Mailani Martin. Her long and valiant struggle with cancer came to an end Monday night, the 29th. For you new members who did not know her, you missed a wonderful lady. Both she and Nelson were long time officers and friends to our club. Whenever there was work to be done, or somebody needed help, they were there. Nelson, our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Mailani, we will miss your smile, that little sparkle in your eye and the way you thought of others first. You leave us in sadness, but so very glad we got to know you. Rest in peace. As you all know, fighting a disease like this is very expensive and can ravage a family. A fund for Nelson and family has been set up by our sponsor AimBank at both Lubbock locations. The funeral will be Friday, Oct. 3rd, at 11:00 am, Agape Funeral Home, 6825 West 19th St., Lubbock

Mailani Martin was a friend of mine who I worked with in the Lubbock Mustang Club and fought cancer and had beat it twice.  The third time was not the charm as she finally left this earth to be with the Big Guy and not to suffer pain anymore.

I got to see Mailani at the supermarket last week.  She had gained weight, because of the medication, and yet I could still see a smile and a fighting spirit.  I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and in my mind when I said goodbye I knew it might be the last time to see her.  We talked about my kids and her not giving up.

And in my mind she did not give up.  Her body was just too hurt to continue. So the Big Guy lifted her worries up and brought her to his caring arms.

When I first met her close to 10 years ago Mailani and I teased and laughed.  Nelson was a saint then as he is now.  Always sitting back as we laughed, joining in at just the right moment to laugh with his wife.

I will miss her a bunch.

And that brings me to the point of my post.  I have let people get the better of me, they have lied to me, they have hurt me, and I have let them.

But to you, and you know who you are.  I know the lies, I know your two faceness.  I have seen the innocent look on your face as you press the knife in my back.

I don’t care.

Yes, that’s right… for karma will take you and punish you in a way that I can’t even seem to imagine.

I had cared what you thought, what you wanted to tell me, and what was “important to you.”

But recently I have determined that the only people I have to matter to is my kids, my family and the one woman in my life.

Everyone else has to earn that care.

I gave care to people who didn’t deserve it and yet did it anyway.  That’s who I am, and I anticipate that no matter how much I say I won’t care, I will.

But in this journey, these last couple of days since my eyes were opened…

I have to care about what I want to say here.  I have to and have written things that will never see the light of day for the people who they are written about have skin so thin that the anger would melt them.  I have written such words of passion and love that will only be shared with my kids , family and Joanna.  Because some things are meant to be treasured by a select few.

And I haven’t been seeing what really matters.

I saw a sunrise this morning and the majesty of it took my breath away.

Then I got news that took my breath away. 

No money crisis, job crisis or life crisis can compare.

A friend of mine who was just 40 is now gone. And I don’t know what life has in store for me.

Maybe it’s playing poker, maybe it’s finishing a novel. 

Maybe it’s just living life.

Love to my family, Luck to my friends, and lollipops to my kids cause I’m always thinking of you.

Sean

Protected: FICTION: I know everything…