Please respect my rights

This work by Sean A. Donahue is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Instant Sean

My New Year’s Resolution…

I resolve to write more and stop hiding from those who wish to destroy me.  I resolve to admit when I’m wrong more often and I resolve to try and be more fiscally conservative with my limited funds so that I can afford to do more things that I have always dreamed of, but never done.  I resolve to take more pictures, document my life better and be a great father, husband and friend.

Just the American Dream.

Let the rebuilding begin…

Folks, we had our shot at UT this year and though we didn’t win , we at least didn’t finish dead last in the Big 12 South. It was a year where we wanted to take two steps forward and yet we took two steps back.

Yes, my friends, I bet against the Red Raiders.

You see I knew that I would LOVE them to win by more than 9 and the gifts that I would have to pay my wife would be mere inconvenience to me.

But my heart wasn’t there.  How many Red Raider fans showed up to the game? Probably more than the Northwestern Wildcats for sure, but they didn’t show up as they had in the past.  Maybe it was almost having to be bowl qualified by the use of a FBS win that spurred the alumni.  Maybe it was the $75 ticket prices that hurt them too.  Maybe that the students didn’t get a discounted rate hurt.  If I was someone who paid $75 and heard about the discounting to $25 that the bowl officials made before game time, I’d be asking for my money back.

I wanted to go to the game. I just didn’t think I would get any decent seats even at $75.  Boy, I was wrong.  ESPNU knew this game was going to be a disappointment by the camera angles that showed mostly full portions of the stadium.  Anytime someone looked at the end zones they showed what really was happening, empty seats. Why did the empty seats happen?  Because they overpriced an 11:00 A.M. game between 2 7-5 schools.  I thought a ticket broker would have known better.

Was I disappointed about not going to the Ticket City Bowl?

No, it was this season.  It didn’t feel like football at all during the season.  We faced our arch-nemesis’ and got beat down by both A&M and UT.  We won games against Colorado and Missouri that Coach Leach could never get done.

But the season didn’t feel like fall.  It went from summer to winter and there was no falling leaves or anticipation of the game day experience.

It fell flat this year.

But 2011 is a new year and we have the spring to look forward to. We will be looking at a new starting QB with a tough opening game away versus TCU before home stints with New Mexico and Nevada before hitting the Big 10 play, I mean 12. Sorry, ironic that we only have 10 and we still call ourselves 12, never mind.

I am looking forward to seeing year 2 of the four year plan.

Because every coach has 4 years to see his recruits come in and make an impact.  Some people think that we have a top 30 recruiting class this year.  I’ll believe it in 2013-2014 when the freshman that will enter in the fall of 2011 come back as Juniors making an impact on the Big 12.

Yes, we won but didn’t cover.  And yes, my wife is doing dishes as we speak penalty for her flawed optimism of a 7-5 team.

But I have optimism for 2011.

Either that or I can wait for hell to freeze over.

Get That!

As we were driving home from our trip to somewhere, Joanna started taking pictures of clouds of dust that were crossing the road. They were powerful and amazing and a moment that would have been forgotten if I hadn't reached in the camera bag as I was driving and told her, "get that".

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Life isn’t convenient…

Thanks for the calls and offers of help, but offers of help are meaningless if they are based on convenience.

Today has been filled with calls from friends and people who have heard the news of the passing of my grandmother.

“Is there anything I can do for you Sean?”

Why yes there is…

But after explanation…

“Well, I wish I could, but I have (insert excuse of choice here).”

If you are offering to help, help.  If you want me to listen to you babble when you are down, listen to me when I need you.

Life isn’t convenient.

There have been many times that my life has been inconvenienced by someone who needed me, and I left without question. I said yes sir, yes ma’am. I did it without question.

But that’s the type of guy I am.

I’ve asked for help. I’ve begged for help.

and I am without help.

So I will help myself, my wife will help me and others who I don’t even need to ask , just give the nod and they are there, will help.

And to those who gave excuses, be prepared for excuses when you call me.

Life is ever changing.

I seem to make changes in my life all the time after death experiences.

After my sister died, I went back to college.

After my grandfather died, I dedicated myself to my career in radio.

After my brother died, I dedicated myself to finding myself.

After I had a meningitis and was in the hospital hallucinating about my sister and brother pulling me up to heaven, I dedicated myself to the Lord.

I think I need a change in my life.

Some people may not like the change.

But in the words of my father “Fuck em and feed em fishsticks!”

My greatest generation is gone.

The Greatest Generation was filled with some of the greatest people that I grew up with and respected, Walter Cronkite, Joe DiMaggio, Charles Shultz, but they all pale to my grandmother.

She was a speech pathologist and brought me into some of the greatest stories in my life:

Making me stand in front of a room filled with college co-eds at 7 and watching girls flirt and make me blush as I wrote letters with my left and right hands.

Introducing me to a Hollywood star.

Made split pea soup in one of the first microwaves.

and many more…

She had been in poor health dealing with a aortic aneurysm.  I went and saw her when she went into the hospital and it was like thirty years ago when she first was sick.  Grandma Horowitz was a teacher at Adelphi University and a speech and hearing center that she built from the ground up.  After some trouble she was given some drugs and I was going up to see her. My grandma was tall and strong. She knew nothing she couldn’t debate, or argue or reason out.  She was strength in not only my eyes, but my soul.

“Don’t be frightened Sean, for your Grandma looks a little different. Just remember why you love her,” my mom said as we walked into the house that she lived in with my Grandfather for over 40 years.

Gone was the tall, upright woman who knew now pain, knew no struggle that she couldn’t defeat.  The medicine to fix her eyes, had stolen her bone density as a side effect and a once tall woman did not stand.  A woman I could hardly recognize was in her place. A woman who struggled to stand, who once stood tall.

I had promised my mother that no matter what, I wouldn’t cry.

“All the kids know your strength Sean, they will follow your lead. If you don’t cry, they won’t. You have to be strong for your grandmother,” she said with a strong arm on my young shoulder.

While the other kids ran to her. I fell back.  Mom told me later that I stood strong and tall.

For a couple of minutes.

Then it started.

First, the bottom of my lip started to quiver.

Then a tear fell.

And I was done.

I was strong, when I needed to.  I ran to Grandfathers study and my stern Grandfather was there.

And I cried, I cried like the fawcets were all unleashed.

My Grandfather looked at me and his stern face fell.

“She’s still your Grandmother Sean, give her a kiss and tell her how much you love her,” he said as he handed me his handkerchief.  “I’ll go make some snacks. I’m so glad to see you (Grandfather’s nickname for me I’d put it here but then I’d never hear the end of it, and ONLY he could call me that).”

I went over and hugged my Grandmother, and she told me that she was ok.

But I have that same fear.

And I’m going to be strong.

I’m thinking about the day when in my eyes, my Grandmother changed forever.

But though sick she continued learning and teaching.

And the lesson I wish to share with you is this.

Don’t forsake your children. Don’t forsake your grandchildren. Forget the past, the mistakes, the disappointments.  Just remember the times when your brother slurped down the world’s worst split pea soup because the recipe grandma used for soup wasn’t tailored for the microwave.  Don’t remember the times when you disappointed her by leaving college for a job in radio.  But remember the day when she glowed because she was able to listen to you and the pride that she felt for you.  Don’t remember the times when she was sick , nay, remember the times that she was better.   Don’t remember the fights over which grandchild she loved more, but remember that she loved you.  Don’t remember the bad times, for those times will eat you alive.  the fights over where she lived, just remember the Ranger games you watched together.  She told me once that she knew that the Rangers would win a pennant before she died.   And once again she was right.

I can’t cry.   I am numb and the pain I feel is incredible.  I’ve lost all my grandparents now.  My greatest generation is gone.

I miss her.

Leola Schaper Horowitz was 89.