My thoughts

It’s on me.

I’ve lost the ability to speak. Not figuratively, but emotionally, mentally. I’m looking to make changes but spinning my wheels. So I took a 3 day weekend off of Facebook and I gleaned some clarity.

I’m not writing enough, I’m not challenging others as I should be challenging me.

I let everyone in, but I don’t have the freedom to say what I need to say. I don’t offend people and I try to be everyone’s friend.

How does that work out for me?

I’ve got things to do and I may tick people off.

But I have to do them for me.

It isn’t easy to say you care about people, but it is much different when you have to do what you speak, if you don’t believe it.

People like me. I’m intense, I get the job done and I may ruffle feathers, but I care about the final outcome.

If you need my help, ask me and I will be there. But you better damn well be there for me,or I’ll never help you ever again.

A former intern came to me asking for a recommendation. She asked for me to put my name, heart, and soul backing her for a position.

I didn’t.

She falsified documents and I was no wiser to it until a background check brought it up.

I could have kept quiet, let her move on with her life.

I didn’t.

Part of me feels terrible about my impact on her current job situation.

Most of me doesn’t give a shit. She lied, tried to get me to back her up.

My name is all I have and I refuse to let it be tarnished.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. This was hers. She lied, I called her out on it and she is now unemployed.

I destroyed her life, some of you may say. No, I didn’t. She did when she lied to me, lied to her teachers, lied to her employers and lies to this day.

I have no sympathy for her.

So while I have been struggling with sleeplessness I discovered that my voice is gone. I don’t have what I used to.

It’s my own damn fault.

I was trained wrongly and by unethical people but the responsibility to accept their teaching was my own.

Now that I know differently, I have to make changes that I KNOW will make a difference and make up for those mistakes that I have made.

Perfect am I? Hell no.

But perfectly satisfied to be better in whatever I choose to do.

That’s on me.

I almost gave up on one kid when it is my responsibility to kick him in the ass. So the asskicking starts this morning.

I’m going to continue to shuffle paper, but try and improve who I am and what I do daily.

I’m going to try and be a better man for my wife and kids.

I’m going to walk into my office with the same pride and joy that I do everyday, but find ways to do the things I love better.

I’m going to try and write more, do things with friends and visit my kids in Indiana.

It’s not going to be easy.

But when has life made it easy for any of us.

Fearless Champions?

Fearless? Sigh…

1. I saw this in another persons FB talking about Texas Tech: “Your 2012 NCAA National Cross Country Champion is…Kennedy Kithuka . Our Texas Tech track and cross country programs are national powerhouses that deserve our attention. Way to Wreck’Em Kennedy! #nationalchamp”
2. Then while I was in Stillwater to watch Texas Tech take on Oklahoma State I was greeted by some of the most polite students and fans.

“Thanks for coming and supporting your team, ” “we wish you luck for a great game today but we hope we win,” “thanks for helping our economy and enjoy your visit to Ok. State.”

I was even greeted by the First Lady of Oklahoma State Ann Hargis and was invited into the Presidents Suite at the game.

“I know we share some similar traditions but your Chancellor and President  are so nice when we come to Lubbock.”

Let’s take these two issues one by one.

A Cross Country Powerhouse? This is what gets me laughing.  A “national powerhouse”. Really?

I looked at the results from the event , already knowing from my trip to Oklahoma State the answer,  and yes Kennedy Kithuka won the race. Kicked ass, was an INDIVIDUAL National Champion.

But I looked for Texas Tech on the final tally, knowing that at the Ok. State vs. Texas Tech football game that Ok. State won yet ANOTHER team national championship.

Let’s look at the results… Read more…

BETA

There has been a discussion on a board I’m a member of about BETA products.

I think Beta is an excuse to offer a half done product and fix on the fly.  We don’t demand QUALITY anymore, and companies know that. Why come out with a great finished product if we can toy around with it and re-release in a couple of years and force all the suckers who bought the early release to get the new version.

Just ask Microsoft. They never fixed the bugs in Windows 2, they just created new features and re-released with 3 , then Windows NT then when that flopped ME, which bombed, then Windows XP , Windows Vista and now Windows 7. Portions of Google are still considered BETA.  Instead of fixing what was broken, they added more “features” and increased the price.

My wife and everyone around her has an iPad. Everyone loves the iPad, but then the iPad 2 came out and some of those same people who were so IN LOVE with their iPad, turned around and bought the iPad 2. Guess what? The iPad3 is out. I love Apple, but I haven’t bought an iPad yet.  I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I anticipate a 2014 launch of the iPad4 with MIND BLOWING technology.

Why not spend the money for the newest and greatest in technology now?

Because I remember the BAG PHONE that I used to sell and wanted when I worked at Radio Shack in the early 90′s. I didn’t get it because I couldn’t justify the cost of the phone and service  in exchange what new technology will come out in the term of when I truly NEEDED a cell phone.

Now I have a cell phone, not the Windows Phone, NOT the iPhone, but a nice Android phone. I know that there will be more powerful phones that have and will come out, but this phone serves my needs and is the thing I used to type this entry out.

BETA used to be a testing platform where products are limited to beta testers who would try and break the product, finding issues before it was ever released.

Now beta is an excuse. “Well, you know we are in BETA.”  Not good enough. When you have a product , take pride in its release because if it crashes and some of them will, your pride will not be the only thing that you lose, it is your customers and future customers. You become the punchline to a joke.

In that way, aren’t we all in BETA?

Sitting once again in the doctor’s office.

Clarity is my friend right now. I do what I need to do right this second and I move on from there. Recently I made unhappy decisions for my family. But they had to be done. It is better to do what is unpopular and yet right than it is to do what is popular but will cause misery down the line. I’ve made the popular decisions in the past and I continue to pay for them. I say no when I mean no and sometimes even say I’ll try when I know the answer will be no. The easy yes is NEVER easy. There are always conditions, never an easy path. There is never a free lunch. I watched as people I have trusted blindside me as they have been blindsided by people that they have trusted.

I barely trust anyone. It’s sad that I don’t but trust is earned and I have watched people betray trust.

I have allowed more people to touch and enter my life. I have been enriched by their touch and I have been blessed by hopefully touching their lives poisitively.

I can’t allow myself to be negative. I allow myself to be realistic and not pessimistic.

My back isn’t great, and it will be better, maybe not as good as it was before the accident, but I am looking forward to the day that I get to pick up my son and daughter once again with all three of us crying with joy.

The day is coming and I leave it all in God’s hands. That’s all I can do.

We are so fortunate and friends like Shawn Sparks have gone and made a difference in Haiti.

I can only hope that when you come to that key fork in the road…

That you take it.

Weeding…

My lawn looks like a green and yellow patch of well, you know.

I’ve been weeding my life lately.  I’m someone that doesn’t let go of things easily. Recently I’ve been lucky to start letting things in my life , well just go like a dandelion in the wind.

Now in the past I’d be letting all the wonderful dandelions begat more dandelions, but it just isn’t happening now.

I’ve got too much to do and too much to see.

So I started today by paring down the Facebook friends list.  Am I really friends with 500 people? No. I started by weeding that down to under 300.  It may be weeded again soon.

If you didn’t talk to me in the past, or you added me because of some friend of a friend you probably didn’t see the notification of your weeding on FB.

You were just gone.

I’ve taken 2 truck loads of stuff over for a garage sale this weekend at my friend Kerri’s house.

What happens if they don’t get sold? The stuff gets donated to a prison ministry.

I don’t need stuff. I have stuff, lots of stuff.

But in reality, all the stuff is are weeds.

They don’t have deep roots, they can be eliminated with proper care , and in the end don’t have meaning for me.

The stuff that has emotional meaning is put up where it needs to be. The rest just found its way to places that aren’t my garage.

My heart isn’t into keeping things that don’t have meaning anymore.

And I’ve been making changes at home, work and everywhere.

Maybe when I’m finished weeding I’ll see the green grass.  The big lawn picture that I need to see.

Or maybe, I’ll just have to start weeding again.