My lawn looks like a green and yellow patch of well, you know.

I’ve been weeding my life lately.  I’m someone that doesn’t let go of things easily. Recently I’ve been lucky to start letting things in my life , well just go like a dandelion in the wind.

Now in the past I’d be letting all the wonderful dandelions begat more dandelions, but it just isn’t happening now.

I’ve got too much to do and too much to see.

So I started today by paring down the Facebook friends list.  Am I really friends with 500 people? No. I started by weeding that down to under 300.  It may be weeded again soon.

If you didn’t talk to me in the past, or you added me because of some friend of a friend you probably didn’t see the notification of your weeding on FB.

You were just gone.

I’ve taken 2 truck loads of stuff over for a garage sale this weekend at my friend Kerri’s house.

What happens if they don’t get sold? The stuff gets donated to a prison ministry.

I don’t need stuff. I have stuff, lots of stuff.

But in reality, all the stuff is are weeds.

They don’t have deep roots, they can be eliminated with proper care , and in the end don’t have meaning for me.

The stuff that has emotional meaning is put up where it needs to be. The rest just found its way to places that aren’t my garage.

My heart isn’t into keeping things that don’t have meaning anymore.

And I’ve been making changes at home, work and everywhere.

Maybe when I’m finished weeding I’ll see the green grass.  The big lawn picture that I need to see.

Or maybe, I’ll just have to start weeding again.

Other things that I know:

• No matter how hard I try, the garage door will have to be looked at after the first of the year.  The stopping in the middle of the way up is annoying as hell!

• Big Win for the Red Raiders last night versus Washington. But it means NOTHING unless you follow it up with a win versus TCU on Tuesday. Winning at home is expected. Winning on the road is where you make your RPI look good for the NCAA’s.
• It’s not the holidays. It’s CHRISTMAS DAMMIT!  I’m so tired of people filled to the brim with political correctness.  The holiday that causes people to wait for deals at 4 in the morning isn’t Kwanzaa, it isn’t Festivus, it’s Christmas.   Stop wasting my time with “Happy Holidays”. It’s either Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah.  All the other imitators need to go away now.
• I know that if  it takes a paid subscription to read your stuff , I won’t be subscribing.
• I’ve wanted it to snow more and more and every time I hear 1- 3 inches expected we get nothing. It’s kinda disappointing. All I want them to say is “this storm won’t drop much” , and then we’ll get three feet.
• That the wedding is closer and what needs to be done are the little things.  But those little things are KILLING Joanna and I now.  If we had a weekend to get it all done it would be easy. But it isn’t . Joanna leaves in 8 days to go home for her final wedding preparations.
• I will say it for the record. I am NOT NERVOUS!  Just depending on other people to take care of certain things are driving me crazy! The wedding planner for the site is horrendous.

Alot of work this week for the wedding with wedding music. I’m putting together the list and the computer with the music on it. I refuse to have the following songs played at my wedding :

We aren’t having a DJ at the wedding reception because :

A. We don’t have the room in the room to have a DJ.

B.  I’m not listening to crap at my wedding. I remember some of the music that the “Alleged DJ” thought would be “perfect” for my first wedding, and watched as the dance floor stayed empty.  We’ll have a great mix of rock , country , a little hip hop. But unfortunately, I can’t have Steel Panther played at the wedding reception otherwise I’d offend the offensive.

C. We have a former XM Satellite PD as our official button pusher/programmer.  Thanks John for helping us out!

D. The usual requests at the wedding are so esoteric that we would rather listen to music that we like rather than what other people like. Maybe that’s a bit selfish, but it is our day. I have no desire to listen to anyone that I can’t stand ie The Macarena, Anything by Vince Gill, Joanna has banned U2 and I’m still wavering on the chicken dance. It may be on the play list but it won’t be pulled out unless I’m feeling right!

One last reunion…

In a way , this may be the last time I’m going to be seeing this group of my good friends together again ever.  Each of the wedding party on my side has a special purpose. In Alphabetical Order:

My best goat blowing friend Joe… What can I say? We toughed out some of the toughest years of our lives with the other encouraging the other.  When he was dealing with Family Auto Spots, I was laughing along with him.  When I was dealing with divorce, he was there to tell me that I would find love again.  As for the goat blowing, its a inside joke.  I was honored to be Joe’s best man at the wedding of him and Ann.

My brother Liam…  He is my tie to my family, been there for the last 29 years supporting me when I wanted to pull away from everyone and hide in Lubbock.  He’s the one who told me to go play cards after Pat died and started me back onto the road of self strength.  I know when the phone is ringing at 1 in the morning that it could be only one man. My brother. I can depend on him.

My college friend Mitchell… who has been there since college, doling out the advice on a when I really needed it basis.  Stayed quiet when I discussed Angie before I got married the first time, but now tells me how Joanna is such a good fit for me. If he approves someone, he will back them up. Also knows where the bodies are hidden and where to hide them !

My work friend Reid… host of donahue.org, instanttragedy.com and my first friend in radio in Lubbock.  We worked overnights , him at FM 99, me at KLLL and yet we’d talk to each other to keep each other awake. Bring the term Eleanor Roosevelt up to him and he’ll tell you a sidesplitting story about screwing with Kelli the overnight woman at Mix. Don’t forget the chicken call and some of the more interesting .

My brother from another mother Shawn… What can I say about Shawn?  We played cards, and helped each other with our poker play. Him to a world series seat, me to a top 6 finish in the APL National Championships. I knew he was a great guy when him and Curtis just listened to me talk to my kids one time back from the lake to Oklahoma City and pulled me aside to say that he knew my pain and he would always be behind me.  Unquestioned friendship. I’d tell you more, but he’d ask for a dollar for the bad beat story.

And there are many other people that I could substitute in there  for almost each of them.  People that have made an impact in my life; Dalby, Hyatt, Ken, Jon, McDermott and the list would continue on and on.  But I chose this fabulous five for this moment.  At this time I needed them, and they will be there.

The days approach to the wedding, and I have no fears.  Except the one where the wedding planner doesn’t call us back.

and I’m far from free to talk about the last couple of months but I’m back to try and get the feelings and emotions out.

I had an alternate blog that I put nothing but private posts up and there probably won’t be a day when those see the light of day.

I was stuck, not willing to let anything go, not willing to let anything out, and I was constipated with thought and emotions. Rather than yelling and screaming on here, I’ve decided to hold thing in.

And that’s where I become the most miserable.

I wasn’t in the beginning because most of the stuff I discussed in my blog was discussed with Joanna and I had an outlet. But the longer that I didn’t write, I didn’t feel like I was free.

One of my friend Mookie’s question’s is Do you get a lot of grief for your poker habit?  It isn’t my poker habit, it’s my writing habit.  I’ve been doing a lot of things that haven’t been condusive to writing, I’ve let my feelings get bottled up and in the end, I have shut down.

I’ve played games, tried playing poker, tried writing other stuff, but I’m not sure what I needed to do, so I hid. It’s what I do and Mitchell and my other friends know that I shut down when I don’t know the answer.

And that has hurt my friends and family.

They were worried, and in a dream I had last night, I was brought to a writing intervention.

“You know, ” my dream friend Mitchell says, “you seem happier when you are writing and your friends and family are here to let you know that we won’t let you hide in the excuse of work and video games to try and avoid life.”

“You run around the house kissing me when you get those awe inspiring ideas and those have been gone for awhile,” my dream fiance Joanna cries,”I want my creative (nickname not for public consumption) back.”

Then my friend Marshall knocks down the door. “Dude, you’ve been gone? WTF”

So, I’m back, hurting a little less and hoping that the struggles that I go through are less each day and that my dreams are closer and my love is stronger than it has been before.

sd

It’s about cheering up a friend of mine going through a tough time.

Be prepared.

Tonight I actually played some poker. See http://www.instanttragedy.com for all the details and dirt.

I’m finding that it is harder and harder to find people that understand what I do in my career.  Recently I was asked if I would consider moving to Montana if there was a radio gig there.  It’s not the daypart that I work that’s important, but the people I work with.

Thus, it would have to be an opportunity to do something amazing or something that would get me closer to Indiana so I could see the kids more often.

I laughed today as Jo came in and actually took a nap while I made dinner.  She’s not used to working 8 hours a day. Silly student. I think that once she gets into the swing of things that she is going to love this job.  There is still a possibilty of a better gig opening up for her.  I wish her nothing but the best.

She brought up today that I don’t have pictures up on here or on facebook of me and her.

Simple reason, I’m normally the one behind the camera.

Today, I went out and bought a whole bunch of stuff that I’ve been needing at the store but haven’t had the time nor the money for.  It just had to be done.  In Joanna’s mind next stop, new pants and shoes. Hold your horses little missy.

I’ve finally caught up reading the 2100 posts that were stuck in bloglines today.  I kinda missed reading my friends and have been so caught up with my projects at work and home that I haven’t had time to read, play or do anything fun.

That changed tonight.  If I don’t make the changes that allow me to enjoy some time, I’ll end up miserable. But as for now, I am excited and pumped.
Good things are coming my way!

It kinda sucks, but everything else is healing at an incredible rate so I guess I can be patient with it.

No, I can’t.

This weekend was incredible as Joanna and I got to enjoy Brian Regan on Thursday, and instead this weekend I discovered Stephen Lynch. Better and funnier….

Then Friday we enjoyed Sea Monsters at the Science Spectrum…

So WHAT could top that?

Hmm,

How about Darius Rucker , yes HOOTIE, Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley. Jo and I got to meet Darius and Dierks, didn’t get to meet Brad, but from what I heard, his tour manager is a tool. But what do you expect? Tour managers jobs are to be the prick to the artists cool.

We were both happy that Darius brought out the Hootie catalogue and Dierks got an encore. Now how many times have you known an opening act to get an encore? Not many that I have heard of. Brad’s concert was a decent show as he kept the energy up the entire time. People were amazed that Allison Krause “came” to the concert. But they were mistaken by his 48 screen projection system that did a decent job though they had issues with the right half of the screen for the opening number.

It was a great night until I started to feel a pain at one of my sites from the surgery, and when I put my hand to feel it… blood. Not good but as I said at the top there is nothing that I could do.

Joanna has a job interview tomorrow and I hope that she gets the job. She certainly needs it to keep the parents off her back.

Work has been busy and I have five interns this semester which means that they are taking care of all the nitpicking little things that has made my life this year after the surgery easier. I am a lucky man.

I’ve avoided the poker rooms the last couple of weeks because I’m secure that my team I picked for my poker blog will come through and win by the end of the year.

Joanna and I have been losing weight because of our diets. I think that having someone support you is great.

Tonight was the greatest night in a long time. Why?

Because I spent close to an hour helping Shelby with her book report. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had worth as a father. I was there for her and though the report wasn’t finished tonight (due Wednesday) I felt like I had her on the right track.

I’ve been thinking more before I write and there have been many things that I have and will continue to self censor myself. For though I write things and keep them private I do need to express the things that have held me tight and or helped me grow.

I’ve had a fire in my fireplace 4 times this year. Now to most of my friends, you’d be shocked. You see I usually had my fireplace covered by a couch that started when the kids were young. No danger to having a fire now.

The warmth of a fire while reading a book or listening to music is like the warmth you feel while watching the sunrise. Not only does the colors tell a story but the heat does too.

I’ve been trying to get some things in preparation for a project that I have been working on and I feel comfortable about it every time I think about it.

Ireland is coming closer and I am still waiting for my passport, the corrected version, to return to me. Not scared yet, but February 21st, the nerves will start.

For the first time in a long time, my trip will prevent me to going to Orlando for a conference and meeting my friend Reid. I find peace in those moments. I had a moment at a fountain that changed me forever in Orlando, I ran my first 5K in Orlando and I started to do things for me…

But I think the best thing about Orlando is the break that I get even though I am working all the time.

I’m excited and happy about the changes that I have made in my life and I’m happy about 2009 already.

I’ll post pictures when I think about it and I know that I try to put things on here but like my friend Iggy, sometimes things keep me from doing it.

I think I am better now that I don’t snap post like I used to.

I could make comments like Waffles , or post hand histories or stories that I really don’t want to share.

There are more things under the cover, under the prying eyes. I’ve found who true friends are and who were hanger oners. I found happiness with a woman that I love and loves me back. I think the key is not pushing life, but letting life pull me along. I’ve done more things in 2009 than I probably did in 2008. I made mistakes in 2008 and let people drag me down a path that I knew would destroy me and them. I left the path and though the people I thought would be destroyed did not suffer, I have bloomed and grew with leaps and bounds.

I don’t wait for things, I just go get them. I used to plan and plot. Now I pounce. It is an amazing feeling just to live and not worry about things. Having moments before the surgery talking to my parents and saying to them, “I’ll see you on the other side,” I was facing my fears. If I was to die, I would be happy having enriched the lives of those I love and those I care for. If I was to live, I have more people to touch and help.

It seems that perspective is the greatest gain of 2009 so far.

It isn’t everything I want, nor everything I need, but paradise is mine for now.

Sean

I started to head for the airport from my parents house, trying to leave so I could get to the airport in plenty of time.  There is nothing in this world that excites me more than this day.  But as I left Norwood and headed on Airport Freeway I was stunned to see back to back traffic for miles upon miles.  There was an accident and there was nothing I could do but wait.

But I couldn’t, I had to get there with plenty of time, so I exited and started down back road #1 to the airport, but a couple miles down the road I was stymied with yet another accident and I backtracked to my third alternate route.  As I called the airline to verify the gate, I could feel the sound of my heart pounding in my head. I arrived at the gate after the joy of waiting in line for the plane.

But there was a plane still being boarded.  A plane to Sacramento.  “Final Boarding Call to Sacromento!” I was excited but I thought I could watch the plane come in. I could watch the plane pull in.  My smile was beaming, INCREDIBLE, radiant. 

As I sat by the window, I felt a presence, another man was next to me watching the plane. 

“Waiting for your kid,” he asked.

“Time of the year, when divorced men come together to meet their kids because of everlasting love,” I responded.

“Is that the plane,” he asked as he motioned to the plane that we both stared at.

“Think so,” I said as the plane sat on the tarmac.

Minutes went by and we both continued to stare at the plane.

“You buy both ways,” he asked.

“Nope, just one way,” I responded.

“Lucky man,” he answered as we both continued to stare at the plane.

Then the plane started to rev its engines and we encouraged the plane sitting at A29 to move.  But the plane that we thought was the plane from Louisville started to roll away from where we watched it. We watched it in horror hoping that it wasn’t.

We walked to the board hoping that the plane was delayed, hoping that another plane would show up.  But as we went up to the board our worst fears were confirmed. 

GATE C20.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY?

We both looked at each other and started a dead run to the train.  We ran up the stairs three at a time as we watched the plane move further and further away.  We caught the train to terminal C and we continued to just stare at each other.

“We’ll make it…” I said as determination hit my face.

“Oh hell yes,” he said.

As the doors open, it was a fast break sprint to the gate… and as the first passenger comes off the plane we look at each other and smile.

We shook each others hands and stood next to each other.

As the first group of Unaccompanied Minors came off a look of terror came over our face.  None of the kids were either of ours.  But a second group came and I looked as I saw a tear roll down his face.  It was his daughter that caused the tear.  I patted him on the back, but he didn’t notice.  But I continued to wait, and the final group of unaccompanied minors came striding up the ramp.

And Ryan let the way, and Shelby was close behind.  And they screamed Daddy!

All the pain I have felt in the last couple of months went away.

And a tear fell.

I asked him/her about fear in life and how to use that playing poker.

His/Her response was one of the most clear thought and incredible responses ever:

“You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.”

Wow, and it’s very true, the bullies in our life are often those who were bullied before they ever met you.  So I thought I would give him/her a couple of my friends and see what (s)he said about them.  Now I chose the biggest of the well known bloggers and his/her words amazed me.  Such vision and why (s)he is becoming a good friend.

What fears do the following people have:

Chad?

“Chad fears lesser players being as successful as him.”

Alcanthang?

“Al fears growing up and responsibility.”

Pauly?

“Pauly fears the words not coming.”

Then I was silent, thinking about the wisdom that I have missed.  All of them obvious answers and yet I didn’t see them or chose to ignore them.  I just see the successes that my friends have had.

But then I had to ask…

What do I fear ?

“Sean fears not being accepted and the separation of the ones he loves not being around him.”

It just sat there and sank.  It sank into the longest and hardest ball in the pit of my stomach.  I felt the power transfer to him without him saying another word, then I realized that the power given was only given to him because I let him take it.  So I took it back.

In the last 7 months I’ve dealt with that fear. I’ve lost people that I thought were my friends and discovered people that I thought hate me actually admire me.  I have nothing to prove to these people. Because I only give them power by acknowledging that they have power over me. Which they do not.

But in the last week I have heard from 5 different people, some friends, some acquaintances, some just people who know me that have lost their jobs, one who is about ready to lose his home.  And I don’t fear.  My friend Mike asked me why I don’t fear losing my job or anything else right now.

Because I have no control over it.  I have to go into work, and in my life trying to be the best in the world.  If I fail that nothing else I do will matter.  A halfassed action will result in halfassed end.  I can only do the things that I feel will help me and my family.

“But Sean, you give more than you take, how can you say that you will only help you or your family?”

Easy mike, I’ve had a vision and the vision was destroyed by people who didn’t share that vision.  I changed who I was because of what people thought of my girlfriend and other minor issues.  But by changing, I gave them power over me.  There are times that I wish I had stood up for me, in the past I have let people walk over me.  But in the last couple of years I’ve stood up for me.  And because of that I am a stronger man.

The Elite 8′s

Yup, lists in eight of things I love, hate etc…

Let’s start it off..  See the other sets at http://www.instanttragedy.com

Elite 8 Blog/Rss Feeds

This award goes to the Top 8 blogs/rss feeds that I will check before anything else .

8. I will teach you to be rich -It’s a personal finance blog for college students, recent graduates and everyone else — including entrepreneurship — for getting rich.  I read it to help remind me about the little things that I could be doing to help me save money, for vacations and things for my kids. “Action is more important than reading 50 blogs.”- Ramit Sethi   And thus it’s one of the Elite 8.

7. Dilbert – DUH.  In the land of cubical hell he encompasses all the pointy head bosses in the world.

6. Blog Maverick – Mark Cuban’s blog is filled with promotion of his HD enterprises and his unique take on everything.  Not many people would explain why they are investigation by the SEC.  And he’s a MFFL.  Go Mavericks!

5. I can’t believe I ate the whole thing – Astin is a culinary GENIUS.  Though I am still waiting for his recipe for Egg Bread, he always has a unique and delicious way to look at things.

4. The life and thoughts of a midwest geek – Tim is a man who has a bunch of blogs, a bunch of kids and a lot of heart.  He is the reason I’ve been looking at Digital SLR cameras again.

3. Gcox – Though he has been busy with hunting, karaoke and work.  Gary is my brother from another mother.  Even though he is an okie and roots for Boomer Sooner, which has to be the STUPIDEST Fight song ever.  What you sing Boomer Sooner over and over again? Sheesh.  I will sing it at Okie Vegas but I will insist on NO VIDEO/AUDIO.  There is a limit to my shame.

2. (tie) The Wife and Doc Chako – Yup, you can’t have one without the other.  I alternate which one I open first since there are some days where I don’t feel like “ladies first”.  The Doc is always there with a grin whether it be a poker story or the opportunity to make you smile with a OOPSY!  The Wife’s pictures are always one where I had wished I took myself.

1. Bam-Bam – A brother of mine, no we’re not related, but the time we spent in Vegas talking and his offers to help me with anything I needed to get Doc Chako’s guitar ready is just a mere portion of the man.  Though I love the Frantic Fridays and the ability for him to tap in and let me into his life, he is an older brother to me.

Elite Friends

This award goes to the Top 8 blogs/rss feeds that are my friends that I haven’t mentioned above.

8. Evy’s Top Pair – Hellooooo Nurse!

7. Riggstad’s Nut Straight – We had a vision, and it will come true soon.

6. Poker Stage – Falstaff is the man.  When people don’t want to do something, he is there.  When it needs to be done, he is there.  When you are tired and exhausted needing a drink… he is there.

5. oossuuu – Not many people depend on you to get the hardest ticket in town then after watching his team lose come and help mount a big screen tv. A scholar and a gentlemen.

4. Dead Money = SirAlCantHang – Ever since he was put on “Vacation” the blog seems like its lost its fuel.  But I have a feeling that the blogger gathering in december will put him back onto a topless woman state of mind.

3. Everyone else that I haven’t mentioned yet.

2. Poker and other Stuff - My friend Recess has had a hard year.  I feel for him and remind him that the greatest joys are around the corner.

1. The Poker Enthusiast - Dusty is a hell of a man and I consider him one of my best friends. He listens without judgment and offers advice when I don’t need it but I should listen to it anyway.

So lets get you caught up:

I found a wonderful woman, lost her, found her again.

I had issues at work which I can’t mention and have made adjustments to correct the issues.

I haven’t played poker much because I haven’t been home much, lot of work, lot of renovation, lot of Texas Tech Football, lot of don’t care.

I have lost my voice, not only physically but mentally.  I used to write because I had something to say, but recently I lost it due to actions in and beyond my control.  It took a while for me to find my voice again.  Not to succomb to the death of what gave me joy for so long, the ability and the desire to write.

And only have I found peace recently.  Peace in my heart and peace in my mind.

I won’t be controlled or manipulated.  I will just be there for those of you I deem important to be around.  Recently I had made choices that I thought were in the best interest of my family, my future and myself.  All those assumptions were wrong.  I needed to not see what I was missing to realize that I wasn’t missing anything at all.

I have had the realization that there are special friends who care and who have been my advocates in many forms and function.  I have had those who have shown their true colors.  And I have seen the difference. 

I have made mistakes that have hurt me, but were in the best interest of me.  I won’t and can’t do things the same way every time.

And I have shut down.  Not like my usual once a year weekly shutdown that occurs after the Radiothon or before my birthday.  This was a shutdown of my emotions.

I lost Mugsy, my precious dog.  To some of my readers, he was just an animal.  But to me, he was my sanity when Angie left me and took the kids.  When my grandfather died, my dog knew when I was low and tried to help.  When Pat died, he knew my anger.  But I never was good enough to him, snapping at him when he would bark or when he would bark at the front door when there was no one there.  I was wrong Mugs.  There was someone there that night and you tried your damnest to make sure I was safe.  I should have checked up on you after you ran out the dog door.  You did your job my friend.

I took time to wake up and see a sunrise and see the majesty of a painted masterpiece that I rarely see.  I drove outside of town to see the stars. And I saw into my soul.

Now some of you would see this as an attempt to say “Everything is going to be alright.”  I already know that. 

That’s not what this post is about. This post is about cleaning old things out.

I have been working on removing the crappy old carpet and replacing it.  When the chair rail is put up in the next couple of weeks I will put up the pictures of the before and after.  But I don’t think that you need to see what’s in the past or in the future.

For the past is the lessons that we have all learned and all will learn.  The future is where we walk hand in hand together.  Some of us have fallen or taken another path.  Some of us will not walk together, our paths have diverged from each other. But the path I am on is a glorious one my friends.  I take each step looking forward to the next step.

And that’s what’s different.  It’s not who we have elected or who we didn’t, it’s not the price of my 401k from three years ago to now.  It’s the path and the walk that has made the difference.

I have made bad judgments on working with people on things that I had no right to involve myself in or get pulled into. I have worked with people that I have tried to overlook flaws that have affected the way I worked with them.  I have tried to work with people that I should have passed on because I wanted so bad to make something of my life.  I made mistakes.

But I have also have had some incredible successes in the last couple of months.

I put up a ceiling fan by myself without electricuting myself, I helped lay wood flooring down in the kids room and I have painted like I have never painted before.  Patrick would be proud. 

I have finally completed my emergency fund so I am safe for a month and I am trying to build on it with the $1000 in 30 days challenge.  So far I’ve got $175 in the fund and I think I can put more away to hit my goal.  I am extremely proud of myself.

I actually had Joanna put the thought into my head of going back to school and finishing my degree part time.  The mere thought of getting my degree finally puts a smile on my face and one day, and it may be soon, I might just start down that path again.

I’ve had other successes that I would and could enumerate… but why bother?  I have survived the darkness and have seen the light.

I would like to, without a shadow of a doubt, go to Vegas for the December blogger gathering.  But I cannot.  Work, flights and things out of my control will keep me from attending.  My next blogger gathering will be at Okie-Vegas III or is it IV.  I can not wait till July to see my friends again.

I still have hopes, dreams and desires of greatness and of miracles. 

If you read through all of this, miracle one achieved.

Sean