My thoughts

Change…

I’ve been working on a lot of projects this last couple of months…

So lets get you caught up:

I found a wonderful woman, lost her, found her again.

I had issues at work which I can’t mention and have made adjustments to correct the issues.

I haven’t played poker much because I haven’t been home much, lot of work, lot of renovation, lot of Texas Tech Football, lot of don’t care.

I have lost my voice, not only physically but mentally.  I used to write because I had something to say, but recently I lost it due to actions in and beyond my control.  It took a while for me to find my voice again.  Not to succomb to the death of what gave me joy for so long, the ability and the desire to write.

And only have I found peace recently.  Peace in my heart and peace in my mind.

I won’t be controlled or manipulated.  I will just be there for those of you I deem important to be around.  Recently I had made choices that I thought were in the best interest of my family, my future and myself.  All those assumptions were wrong.  I needed to not see what I was missing to realize that I wasn’t missing anything at all.

I have had the realization that there are special friends who care and who have been my advocates in many forms and function.  I have had those who have shown their true colors.  And I have seen the difference. 

I have made mistakes that have hurt me, but were in the best interest of me.  I won’t and can’t do things the same way every time.

And I have shut down.  Not like my usual once a year weekly shutdown that occurs after the Radiothon or before my birthday.  This was a shutdown of my emotions.

I lost Mugsy, my precious dog.  To some of my readers, he was just an animal.  But to me, he was my sanity when Angie left me and took the kids.  When my grandfather died, my dog knew when I was low and tried to help.  When Pat died, he knew my anger.  But I never was good enough to him, snapping at him when he would bark or when he would bark at the front door when there was no one there.  I was wrong Mugs.  There was someone there that night and you tried your damnest to make sure I was safe.  I should have checked up on you after you ran out the dog door.  You did your job my friend.

I took time to wake up and see a sunrise and see the majesty of a painted masterpiece that I rarely see.  I drove outside of town to see the stars. And I saw into my soul.

Now some of you would see this as an attempt to say “Everything is going to be alright.”  I already know that. 

That’s not what this post is about. This post is about cleaning old things out.

I have been working on removing the crappy old carpet and replacing it.  When the chair rail is put up in the next couple of weeks I will put up the pictures of the before and after.  But I don’t think that you need to see what’s in the past or in the future.

For the past is the lessons that we have all learned and all will learn.  The future is where we walk hand in hand together.  Some of us have fallen or taken another path.  Some of us will not walk together, our paths have diverged from each other. But the path I am on is a glorious one my friends.  I take each step looking forward to the next step.

And that’s what’s different.  It’s not who we have elected or who we didn’t, it’s not the price of my 401k from three years ago to now.  It’s the path and the walk that has made the difference.

I have made bad judgments on working with people on things that I had no right to involve myself in or get pulled into. I have worked with people that I have tried to overlook flaws that have affected the way I worked with them.  I have tried to work with people that I should have passed on because I wanted so bad to make something of my life.  I made mistakes.

But I have also have had some incredible successes in the last couple of months.

I put up a ceiling fan by myself without electricuting myself, I helped lay wood flooring down in the kids room and I have painted like I have never painted before.  Patrick would be proud. 

I have finally completed my emergency fund so I am safe for a month and I am trying to build on it with the $1000 in 30 days challenge.  So far I’ve got $175 in the fund and I think I can put more away to hit my goal.  I am extremely proud of myself.

I actually had Joanna put the thought into my head of going back to school and finishing my degree part time.  The mere thought of getting my degree finally puts a smile on my face and one day, and it may be soon, I might just start down that path again.

I’ve had other successes that I would and could enumerate… but why bother?  I have survived the darkness and have seen the light.

I would like to, without a shadow of a doubt, go to Vegas for the December blogger gathering.  But I cannot.  Work, flights and things out of my control will keep me from attending.  My next blogger gathering will be at Okie-Vegas III or is it IV.  I can not wait till July to see my friends again.

I still have hopes, dreams and desires of greatness and of miracles. 

If you read through all of this, miracle one achieved.

Sean

A part of me is gone…

When I came to Lubbock in 1992 I had dreams and hopes of getting that elusive degree. I spent he first two and 1/2 years in the dorms. My first stint was with my roommate Larry at the ORIGINAL non air-conditioned Carpenter Hall. We spent a week in August in that hell hole playing Madden.  Larry was good enough to play with one hand. We had all the game systems in our dorm and our dorm room was the home of various contests, all with Larry winning while we all tried to catch up to his excellence.

From there Larry and I moved over to Murdough Hall, which had air-conditioning, a key during the 100 degree days in August.  The only room that they had available was a room on the “Intensive Study Floor” on the seventh floor.  What the hell we said, because anything was better than the sweat that was pouring down our faces at Carpenter.

We headed over to the floor, moving our stuff, with the intent of finding people, horribly stuffy people that we would have nothing in common with.

Au Contraire my friends, we found fun “off” people who seemed to march to the beat of a different drummer. That’s what Larry and I were looking for.

One weeknight Larry and I were walking by to see some friends on the third floor when we passed a room with a man sitting in a hammock in a bathrobe watching baseball.  I could tell more but that’s a Mitch story for another day, the point of this story was after a crushing defeat (9-5 ) for Hall Council President by a girl who will only to be referred to as perky “I’ll show you my tits for your vote in hall council” Lisa, I decided that I was going to move off Tech property.

And so I did, I moved away to The Intern, a property at 4th and Indiana.  It was such a nice place (sarcasm thick isn’t it?).  And such good memories were had there.  When we couldn’t get student tickets for A&M @ Tech, we watched the Pay Per View at my apartment.  Christy became my psuedo-roommate so I could get cable so she could watch her soaps while I was at class.

Or the adventure of watching it dust storm, followed by mud storm, rain storm , hail, more wind, and snow… all in the matter of thirty minutes. I watched the storms come in at the Intern.

My dad listened to me get on the radio from the Intern, I proposed to my ex-wife Angela at The Intern. My friend Mitchell, got an apartment at The Intern, during the dark days that aren’t mentioned.  I was Mitchell’s wing man at the Intern.  West LA anyone? Ah the memories.

But then this year the “Marsha Sharp Freeway to Nowhere” (tm 2008 Donahue.org) project caused people to rethink that area and it was torn down to be rebuilt in a gaudier and more expensive fashion to overcharge students for close housing to Tech.

But in a way, I am glad.  That portion of my life had to be torn down.  And rebuilt.

So goodbye Intern.  Hello future.

Good Behavior…

Now for the record, Amanda volunteered to help me. No one else in the hub city has been able to so I appreciated her taking her anger out on the tack strips removing them from the entire hall and living room area. We are not dating, and as a matter of fact she then did the best and worst thing I could have heard on that day. My five best and worst parts of me. It was way easier for her to list the things that she didn't like about me rather than the five things she liked about me. I sat and listened to it all, not gritting my teeth, even asking her how I could improve myself.

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Notes on when you should wonder if you should get on the plane…

So I boarded the flight to get to Ft. Worth to surprise my mom and sat down where frick and frack came along.  We had two stewards for the flight. It was funny to see, one was thin and one wasn’t.  As they are loading us into the mini pigeon that will take us to Dallas-Ft. Worth International Airport I hear over head music with the theme of “Songs from and about Dallas”.

Which then made me think…

Would I hear Mac Davis’ “Lubbock in my rear view mirror” thirty times while I waited to depart for home?

Never the less, we were waiting for the one last passenger to get on and the pilot comes over the intercom.

“Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen from the Flight Deck.  We’ve had a ‘glitch’ in the computer system up here, nothing to worry about, but we’re going to give it the old Control-Alt-Delete to let it reset.  Watch your hands, cause it gonna get dark as we shut it down.  Probably nothing but we’d like to be sure as we fly this million dollar aircraft on time and maybe a bit early to DFW.  Watch your hands…”

Then slowly and surely everything went dark.

All the window covers were closed to prevent the heat from coming in and no one moved to open one up.

It was dark.

We heard beeps and more beeps then silence.

We sat in the dark and then BOOP, everything slowly started to come back up.

I looked at the flight deck as the nerves started to increase…

“Well, everything looks great up here and we’ll be on our way to DFW real soon, Flight Attendants, prepare for departure.”

Normally my self defense mechanism won’t let me do anything but sleep while on a plane.  Whether it be for 47 min for 4 hours, I normally just crash out on the plane.

Not this time. I heard ever call button, every clink of ice, every conversation.

But not a single boop or groan from the cockpit.

When I got off the plane I breathed a sigh of relief.

Because I wondered for just a moment if I should get off a plane that needed a Control-Alt-Delete.

Time to make some removals and additions…

This weekend was a eye opening experience for me.  I found out which people have kept me on speed dial for money, for tickets and to just be there for me.  I found the best of who my friends are and I found the worst of friends.

I’ve been waiting for certain things to happen in my life and they are going very, very slow. 

I’ve not been a patient person, but have rediscovered my patience recently.

There are certain things that I see that disturb me and yet I knew that they would happen. You see in every organization, every country and every culture there is a point where the weak fall away and the strong survive.  In the groups that I have been associated with, the strong have thrived while the weak fall away never to be seen again.  We should just move on and not dwell on the past.  We should remember the past so we aren’t the one that is buried along with old hatred and old prejudices.  I’ve seen the people who I think are weak and who have threatened me and my life have been pruned by the karma of life.  Their evil deeds have caught up with them.

A person, that I don’t call a friend but someone I know, asked me for money to cover a major mistake that he made. I quietly said no.  It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I wanted to help him out because that’s who I am.  But I’ve helped before and I recognized that the pittance that he was asking for would not stop him from his abuse.  I asked him to get help, I begged him to go back to his family and start over.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  I saw him this weekend and the shell of a man that is left is something that I can not help.  It is beyond repair. 

I’m the fixer. But there are some things that are beyond repair.

I put his number on the “Don’t Answer unless you want to deal with tragedy” list. Yes there is a list, almost as bad as the list of people who I don’t even put their name on my phone anymore.

I’ve discovered that the things I put aside when I was in college are things that I enjoy doing as well as radio. I’m going to do more reading in the finance area and try to make a sample portfolio when I get back from Okie-Vegas.

Yup, I am still going to Okie-Vegas, because I need to not only catch up with some good friends but explore more of me during the ride up.  I think the greatest thing in the world is speech recognition software and a bluetooth headset.  For if I feel like it, I can continue writing on the book as I am driving. I can get my thoughts out and down on paper.

I’ve also talked late into the night with friends who call just to tell me that they are thinking about me. It feels good to be remembered.

I’ve been hiding from the usual clicks that I used to be out with, for I need to be me and not their comedic sidekick. 

I’ve always continue to examine and re-examine my life.  To some its redundant, to me it’s healthy.  I am trying not to make the same mistake twice and advance my thinking to at least 7 levels deep.  In some events I am barely one level deep. But in other events, I consider the changes I have made to be powerful and amazing.

Okie-Vegas is almost here and I just can’t wait. It will fill all the needs that I have.  I have had a hole in my heart. Maybe visiting the family and then the crew at Okie-Vegas will fill those needs.  I’ve never been out on a lake other than in a small fishing boat with my ex-father-in-law. 

The big boss is back in town and he’s making me laugh.  Also my boss has me laughing due to the concept that he tought that I would be off today, even though I wasn’t supposed to take a day off near a holiday “Can’t have you being a cancer to the organization.”

Now I won’t be posting every day to this blog. It’s not meant to be a daily discussion of my life, like my previous attempt was.  This will be an examination of who I am and the changes that I make to making myself a better person.  I’m taking more chances, doing things that I would never have done before and they are all paying off in spades.

In working at the track this year I found out who were using me for who I am and who wanted to truly be my friend.  The concept of waiting to find someone to find me is over. I gave it a chance and it just doesn’t work for me.  I’m going to put myself out there and see what happens.  I am a nice guy and I will find someone who doesn’t want me just for sex, for what I can get them or for anything else than who I am in my heart. Right now my heart is broke and hurting.

Because this fourth of July was the first that I didn’t have the kids.  It was very saddening for me.  I wanted so bad to hold them once again, but it wasn’t going to happen.  I tried calling someone about Shelby but as always, I didn’t get a call back.  I stayed out late at night, just watching the fireworks and looking at the sky, looking for the shooting star that I could wish on, for that chance at redemption.  We all look for redemption, we look for people to have and give us value.  I just look forward to the future of my kids.

Shelby is growing so much and I can see the sparkle in her voice when we talk, however Ryan is like his grandfather who avoids the phone at all costs. I will see them soon, even if its just in December.  Time has a new meaning to me.  I can examine time as a precious gift or I can examine it as something that ,like many things in this world, is wasted.  I hope not to waste any more of my life.  I have things to do, goals to achieve, life to live.

Special Thanks to The Wife, GCox and Surflexus for their holiday calls and wishes.  I wish I was more talkative but I am looking around for the bear traps that aren’t in the stock market.

This weekend I made removals and additions in my soul.  The dead parts were let go, to be free and to die on their own and the ones who power me, the parts that are the strength of me will flourish.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.