I’ve allowed people to be in my life because they always wanted something or I was the punch line of their jokes.  I played games, was loyal and had fun with them.   However I was always the butt of their jokes.  I wasn’t invited to come over except when they needed something and I was always the one who organized some sort of entertainment.

But , I’ve cut out the dead wood in my life and this weekend they proved to be dead wood.

Last year I stuck up for my ideals after I called them out for cheating.

And this year, this shameless people didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to even explain their omission.

They were cowards.

And they have been removed from my friends.

I will acknowledge them, I will say hi to them. But I will never trust them nor allow them to darken my life again.

You may think it is just a game.  But it also shows character. You can call it like you see it. But I call it chickenshit.

I don’t need friends like you, who are always inviting me to your house, but you never come to mine.

So I give up on you.  You are lost causes.

I have become a stronger man, because I have a wife who loves me and I don’t have your fake friendship to “depend on”.

The Album : Judge Jerrod and the Hung Jury

The Song : For Everclear.

24 seconds it has the following lyrics…

“I drank a case of Keystone Light,

Well that’s the beer we drink here,

you always get your money’s worth.

You put your beer goggles on,

and they don’t wear off,

until you’re loving the worst!”

Nothing else needs to be said

I expect to hear it when we visit you in August Gary!

Why are the puppies in the car? And why are we sad?

Late Friday night I was called by my family to tell of my grandmother condition.  She’d been put into a hospital for an apparent heart attack. She was in good spirits but the doctors weren’t telling everyone all the details as they were still running tests.

I decided that I would call my parents and we would find a flight that I could come down on after the 4th on Broadway parade.  Normally I would blow off any promotional appearances, but my grandmother who I’d talked to reminded me about how Grandpa felt about making a commitment and keeping it.

So I decided to leave on a 2P flight (one way) and Joanna would leave with the dogs after the parade and meet me in Sherman.

Then the floods unfolded on the 4th on Broadway parade and a normal 2 hour endeavour turned into a 43 min parade as most of the floats cancelled.

So Joanna and I went home and changed clothes, thinking about the 7A call from my mom that I thought was the one that would tell me that I had made a mistake not to come Friday night and that she was gone.

But good fortune smiled upon me as Mom , Dad and the family was on the way up to Sherman and wanted me to make the flight ontime. Since it would have been longer for me to wait for the flight, we cancelled the ticket and I started to drive with Joanna on the way carefully through the rain and water logged roads to DFW.

With each moment Joanna would comfort me and yet I had nothing to say back to her.

When Tara died, I felt cheated. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

When my grandfather died, I felt relieved for he was in an enormous amount of pain, and I didn’t want him to suffer.

When Patrick died, though I was heartbroken, I had talked to him a week before and we told each other how much we missed and loved each other. It was perfect.

So I didn’t know if I was going to be cheated, relieved , heartbroken or a combination of the three.

But as we drove up to the hospital, I felt like the clouds were breaking, and the smile on my grandmothers face was perfect.

“I told you I’d wait for you Sean,” she said as I held her close.

The doctors had found a 5mm aortic aneurysm and were trying to do their best to treat it with drugs.

My heart fell as she only would eat a little when dinner would come. But she made me smile with her excitement to see the wedding photographs that she hadn’t seen yet.

Yesterday was a good day.

As I write this, she is now in ICU struggling and fighting like the tough old bird that she is.

I pray that we have more good days than bad days and that I don’t have to return if something happens.

But as we said goodbye, I kissed her, told her how much I love her and she told me how proud she was of my family and me.

Now, nothing else matters.

Your prayers and well wishes are appreciated all but I have only one prayer for the Big Guy now:

Big Guy, if it is her time, take her into your arms, guide her from pain and let her be met at the pearly gates by my brother, my sister and my grandfather.

If it is not her time, watch over her, give her the strength to recover and finish her work here on earth.

I don’t understand your map Big Guy, I don’t understand your plan, but thanks for letting me have a special moment with her.

Sean

“Just buy the damn thing!”

So, Shelby and Ryan’s pictures this time around are going to be sharper better and I finally bought something for ME!

Enjoy a West Texas sunset.

And OhCaptain, you and me HAVE to talk!

Some people think that our love is like we were married for 6 years, others say it is like 60 years.

But you make me stronger, smarter and better.

Now that I’ve told you how I feel, do you really want me to put up those blinds in the bedroom tonight?

You do?

Ok,

Happy Anniversary!

Love,

Sean

There are plenty of things going on in my life, I’ve just had to hold down the fort because of people who’ve been reading the blog that I really don’t need to read it. So better to be safe than sorry.

Joanna and I went out and got a cheap <$50 pool and decided that this year would be the year that we would entertain more and use our spacious backyard.  That was 3 weeks ago.

And we actually have had two get togethers and the end result was getting some tiki torches for this Memorial Day weekend.  BEST $6 spent ever.  No bugs, cool water, and I cooked burgers / brats and hot dogs.

Sometimes the best things are just the two of us though and we have spent many a day after work in the pool just talking rather than getting hung up on bills or the tv.

Just enjoying the outside, planting flowers and working on making our house even better.  This weekend I installed a new light in the back porch and I think it looks nice.

The only bad thing of the last couple of weeks is that my trusty camera, the one who recorded alcanthang falling, my kidsbirths etc finally died a painful death.

So I’m looking for a new camera. I’m thinking that my new goal should be a SLR, but which one to buy that balances quality with cost.

I’ve been working with a writing group , each of us has a screenplay, book or website that we are trying to help each other with.  Sometimes a new and different view helps out.  Just the other day all I said was a simple idea and I could see the light bulb go off in my friend’s head and off she went to write.

Jo’s book is still in formulative stages.  I’d like her to write some of her thoughts down, but she is stressed at work.  Sometimes going into work is hard, but we always hope that we win the lottery some day (I actually have to buy a ticket for this recessive tax to win, but one day I will.)

I’ve played some poker and backed a horse which has done me well this year so far.  (Mom, no I don’t have a horse, it’s just,  never mind. )

I’m forcing myself to write more because if I start to write here I might have a shot of not just defeating everyone elses writers block , but my own as well.

I’ve got a couple of pounds to drop, sometimes enjoying wedded bliss is one thing but the way my wife cooks is SINFUL.  So I’m going to continue my dropping of use of sodas and watching portion size so when it’s all said and done I’m healthy.

The kids are fine, and I’m working on the final arrangements for getting the kids for this summer. I can hardly wait.

Sometimes I sit on the porch and just watch the sun set each day.  I think in running around so much I’ve missed a bunch.

My friend Kelli eliminated an item on her bucket list, jumping out of a plane this weekend. She asked me what was on my bucket list. I told her I wasn’t ready to die just yet.

“You never know when it will happen,” and it hit me as she said it and seeing some of my former high school classmates die suddenly that I need to prepare for anything. But I still have my list to write.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll share with you the list, as I check em off.

Life is moving on

take care of the puppies.

I have stories to tell and I will work on them. The book has been keeping me busy. Thanks to my bitchslapper, I mean editors who have been making me rewrite again and again.

Peace in the country

Mother’s Day 2010

As yet another day starts in the Hill Country I sat on the porch watching the mist start to come over the trees to the east. The smells of coffee and cholesterol wafted in from the kitchen.

“You want any,” my wife asked?

“Nah, I’m plenty good enough just watching the dogs run chasing the shadows in the forest.”

“I’m starting to burn the bacon,” she said as she closed the window to keep the burning smell inside.

(Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppp) sounded the smoke alarm as I walked into the house into a smoke filled kitchen.

“You need help dear?”

“Nah, just trying to make it crispy.”

“There’s a shock. You think the smoke alarm is going to wake the neighbors?”

“Nah, they are along the banks fishing this morning.”

“Happy Mother’s Day darling”

“Yup, it’s Mother’s Day”

The door started to get scratched up and I wandered over, taking a sip of my coffee as I opened the door to let the two most ferocious dauschounds who barked and whined until I reached down and petted them.

“Don’t be given them any treats,” my wife said as I was reaching them down to hand them both a piece of bacon.

“I’ve got no idea what you are talking about,” as one of the dogs trotted by with a piece of meat in his mouth.

Her glare spoke volumes and I just reached down to open the paper trying to find people I didn’t like in the obituaries. Seeing none and not caring about the sports scores, I closed it and headed outside to enjoy yet another peaceful day before it got hot.

Nothing worse, than heat and humidity in the Hill Country.

I should call mom and tell her Happy Mother’s Day.

I think she knows…

Happy Mother’s Day Mom I thought as I relax on the porch until the sun goes down.

I’ve always been good charging into battle.  At work I’m known to act first and worry about the consequences later.  It’s a strength and also a weakness.  Sometimes it is better for me to be patient and I’ve added some limited patience to my repertoire.   But I’ve tried to conquer something that maybe it isn’t meant to be conquered…

Fear.

Yup, the original sin.

We all have it, we all deal with it daily.  Fear of what our friends, neighbors or enemies think. Fear of those who are our mentors and those who may be there to take our jobs.

But what does fear gain?

All day today I’ve been dealing with a deep seeded fear because of tomorrow.

Cinco de Mayo. The 5th of May. Big deal huh? But a couple of years ago I said goodbye to my brother for the last time for he died on the 5th of May.

Do I weep his death? No, for we had closure, something that I can feel to the bottom of my soul.

But did I have anything to fear from his passing?

Maybe, I feared that one day he would leave this earth before me. But I didn’t fear that today. I feared the loss of someone I loved dearly.

Someone who is suffering and is slowly losing her memory and her mind. Someone quite close to me.

But as I stewed and paced this 4th day of May, I could see my late brothers face staring at me shaking his head no.

This isn’t something that I should bring up, nor dwell on.

For the fears that I have aren’t original, nor do they mean anything.

For I Live Brave.

I’ve been living brave with each day of my life since I’ve made changes letting the fear go.

Doing something that paid me nothing and yet gave me heartache, GONE!

Letting people who used my talent to get ahead and now watch them struggle without me. Wow, can’t believe I just said that one.

I could talk more about the people that have hurt me and I them, but WHY? It doesn’t change a damn thing.  They don’t remember how they made me feel and they probably don’t care either .

I’m just letting things go and because of my actions I’m freer than I have ever been.

And it’s just a start.

I took over three truckloads of crap to Kerri’s house for a garage sale that if I get money for, good, if not, then good luck to the prison ministry that has my stuff.

I’m not afraid of the future. I’m terrified, but I walk each day knowing that the people who have held me back are the ones who won’t be advancing.

Joanna leaves for a family reunion tomorrow and it will be me and the dogs the next couple of days doing nothing. Maybe organizing and tossing more stuff.  The key to knowing what to keep and what to throw… WHO CARES.  Though I will miss her, I still won’t be afraid of what’s next in my life.  I’ll be relishing in it.

For fear has no control of me, I have control of it.

That’s what I keep telling myself anyways.

For a man without fear walks a dangerous path. For one without fear is folly and a fool. One who has controlled fear controls his own destiny.

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