“Just buy the damn thing!”

So, Shelby and Ryan’s pictures this time around are going to be sharper better and I finally bought something for ME!

Enjoy a West Texas sunset.

And OhCaptain, you and me HAVE to talk!

and I’m far from free to talk about the last couple of months but I’m back to try and get the feelings and emotions out.

I had an alternate blog that I put nothing but private posts up and there probably won’t be a day when those see the light of day.

I was stuck, not willing to let anything go, not willing to let anything out, and I was constipated with thought and emotions. Rather than yelling and screaming on here, I’ve decided to hold thing in.

And that’s where I become the most miserable.

I wasn’t in the beginning because most of the stuff I discussed in my blog was discussed with Joanna and I had an outlet. But the longer that I didn’t write, I didn’t feel like I was free.

One of my friend Mookie’s question’s is Do you get a lot of grief for your poker habit?  It isn’t my poker habit, it’s my writing habit.  I’ve been doing a lot of things that haven’t been condusive to writing, I’ve let my feelings get bottled up and in the end, I have shut down.

I’ve played games, tried playing poker, tried writing other stuff, but I’m not sure what I needed to do, so I hid. It’s what I do and Mitchell and my other friends know that I shut down when I don’t know the answer.

And that has hurt my friends and family.

They were worried, and in a dream I had last night, I was brought to a writing intervention.

“You know, ” my dream friend Mitchell says, “you seem happier when you are writing and your friends and family are here to let you know that we won’t let you hide in the excuse of work and video games to try and avoid life.”

“You run around the house kissing me when you get those awe inspiring ideas and those have been gone for awhile,” my dream fiance Joanna cries,”I want my creative (nickname not for public consumption) back.”

Then my friend Marshall knocks down the door. “Dude, you’ve been gone? WTF”

So, I’m back, hurting a little less and hoping that the struggles that I go through are less each day and that my dreams are closer and my love is stronger than it has been before.

sd

I know times are tough, but as long as you have familty that loves you and good friends, nothing else matters.

Be tough and remember that the only thing that hold you back is you yourself.

I learned that yesterday.  I’ve alwyas thought of myself as a small cog, something that can be replaced with any other cog and the motor will work the same.

But yesterday, I was told how important I was in my field and it felt good.  There is very very few people in the multiple groups of my field that does what I do. I’m the ultimate specialist. And its good to know I’ll be able to find work because of my abilities whenever in the future my time here is over.

But to my friends who I know are sturggling in this economy, have hope.  I’m saying multiple prayers for you and negotiating with the Big Guy. Maybe your perfect gig is just around the corner.  Have faith!

Billy knows what it’s all about…

Recently the following people have asked me a question:

My boss Jay,

one of my good friends Mike Dalby,

his wife Kym,

my intern Kristen,

coworker David,

best friends Joe,

his fiance Ann,

Joanna’s friend Sean,

Joanna’s friend Michelle

my poker buddy Wawfuls aka Marshall and

one of my best friends Mitchell  and Kerri all have asked me and Joanna

THE QUESTION!

And I have the answer for you all.

You will all find out August 22nd, 2009.  Not a minute sooner, not a minute later.

I need that much time because I’m not handling questions about our relationship because it is PRIVATE.  I dump things on the blog when I want people to know them but there are some limitations to my life and its privacy. I normally bring you along for the ride, but I’m not giving you the entire thought processes to this decision.

It will either happen… or not.

You will all be invited… or not.

It will be somewhere close… or not.

It may happen this year… or not.

SO STOP ASKING!

By you reading the blog you have accessed my inner sanctum, you have read thoughts that in some cases and moments have caused my social and career suicide.  But it’s not where I’m going to dissect this topic. It’s not the right time or place and all it does is piss me off.

Thank You.

ISSUE 2

I’ve been under a ton of pressure at work, and I really can’t discuss the issues surrounding it.  Buy me a Crown and Coke and I may release some steam, but I’m under top secret orders not to reveal them and you don’t have Top Secret Radio Clearance.

ISSUE 3

I’ve been counting down the days till I go to Ireland and the funny thing is that I won’t be far from fellow friends and poker players.  Factgirl and her Husband and I know that at least a round or three will be bought by me while I’m there.  Maybe I can get a tip or two on what to see that most tourists miss.  Maybe that’s just what I need while I’m gone.

30 days and I am still stressing about work rather than counting down to the most wonderful trip in the world.

This will be the basic itinerary :

Dublin

Cork / Blarney Castle

Dublin Bay  / Malahide Castle

Limerick / Cliffs of Moher /Burren /Galway Bay Rail tour.

Dublin

I’m really happy that I will be seeing a good portion of the country and yet I wish Joanna could have gone.  It will be a tough week without her.

I finally got my corrected passport and passport card in the off chance I want to fly off to Eh-Vegas.

ISSUE 4

I’m in a bind and I don’t know.

I am trying to work out several conflicting dates in my calendar for the rest of the year.

I want to take the kids for at least one week and preferably two weeks either in June or July,

I have been told that I am in a wedding June 27 for one of my best friends Joe Woodyard.

I have to announce the 4th on Broadway parade on July 4th.

Okie Vegas is July 11th and 12th.

and I’m going to try and make EVERY single one of the events.

Why?

Because all year long I work so I can enjoy time with my kids and friends.

No worries Shelby and Ryan… You two are FIRST on my list!!

Issue 5

Wow…  yesterday I was stuck in writing hell unable to think or write anything. But today, I was writing anything and everything.  I woke up with the thought that I could write anything I wanted.

Time heals all wounds and probably sleep does too.

]]> http://www.donahue.org/2009/02/time-to-fill-out-the-page/feed/ 4 http://www.donahue.org/2008/08/my-super-non-ex-girlfriend/ http://www.donahue.org/2008/08/my-super-non-ex-girlfriend/#comments Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:59:27 +0000 Sean D http://donahue.org/?p=1469 I first met her at the hotel at which my, at that time, girlfriend worked.  I had no idea who she was, but she was in “MY SEAT” and I wasn’t going to have any little missy give me any lip.

“Hi, nice to meet you, can I sit down next to my girlfriend,” I said with venom hissing out of me.  Who does this woman THINK she is?

“That’s nice, no you can’t sit on the floor,whoever you are,” she said with an equal amount of venom.  We both hissed and marked our territory with her, being my girlfriends best friend.

I had no reason to talk to her as we ended every discussion with a fight.  Meaningless little fights as small as who was the last to spend time with the girlfriend.

One day my girlfriend told me that “her” would rather favor women than to ever see me.  I responded that I would rather knaw my arm off than spend one moment with her.

We didn’t talk again for a year.

Whenever we did it was snarky, rude just venom filled hate. I still don’t remember why we hated each other so much. But we did.

So a couple of weeks ago, as I left a promotional appearance for my job, I was honked at.  I didn’t know who the person was that honked but gave the standard “Hi, thanks for listening wave.”

She sent me a message that said, ” you know, when you see someone that you know in the convenience store, you should say hi…even if you absolutely despise that person…lol…”

I was pissed, I waved, Great, it was HER and I had to respond.  What did she want. We had not talked to each other in over a year and it was the best year of my life. I mean the last time I talked to her I told her ”
Just take the nightstick out and realize that we (The Current Girlfriend at the time and I) think you are great, though we are worried about your desires to handcuff men to your bed. Luv ya, mean it sd”

So I was polite and responded, ” When did I see you? I don’t despise you at all, Call me sd” because I really didn’t despise her, just didn’t understand why she chose to always be nasty to me.

She wrote back, “you’re a dork…and i don’t have your number….lol…i sasw you the other day at the gas station at frankford and 19th.”

And then it all clicked. THE HONKER! Well crap, what did SHE want?

It couldn’t be easy, it had to be difficult, ” better idea…why don’t you call me.”

Games, always had to be games with her.

I called her that night and we talked.

And talked, and talked. Until 4, yes ladies and gentlemen FOUR in the morning.

I found out that she NEVER did hate me, just wanted to be a pain in my ass.

So I had already had gone out on Friday to run some errands after staying late at the house and headed back in from (what I found out later was her side of town) when she texted me. [Come meet us for dinner].  Her friend Megan and her were at Moe’s eating dinner. I wasn’t able to since at this time, I was letting mugsy out of his cage so he could use the restroom and walk around each night.  I had to put him up so the tile guys who were putting down the new floor, wouldn’t have mugsy jumping up and down on them while they tried to work.

So I let Mugsy out, and headed to the date that would change the way I thought about her.

I met her friend Megan and her at the New Buffalo Wild Wings and we watched the opening ceremonies and she and I tried to play trivia without boxes.  I schooled her and we just started to talk.  All of the sudden, Megan excuses herself and she and I are alone. We talked about our hopes, our dreams, our wishes. And then it clicked.

She had to get ready for her two week trip to Philadelphia and Pittsburgh for visiting her best friend and her cousin’s wedding. I wished her luck and walked her to her car. As we got to the front door I tried to hold open the door.  And she walked right past me opening the other door and then she turned back.  I must have had a look of shock or disappointment on my face because the look on her face was priceless. I had kicked her dog, smacked her face and peed in her post toasties. She knew she had screwed up.

When we finally got to her car I gave her a hug, telling her the night was still young. But it wasn’t meant to be. She opened her truck door and got in. I turned to walk to my car and go away, but I had to do something.

I walked up to her and in my mind said ok. Make your stand.

“Honey, if I don’t say this I’m going to hate myself forever. But after talking to you and thinking, I realized one thing. Maybe all this time I was dating the wrong girl.” And I kissed her, tenderly, passionately and it only took a tenth of a second for her to kiss back. It was wonderful. She went home to pack and I went home to crash, but it didn’t happen. That night we talked to 2 in the morning and I had a remote and she had cleaning to finish before she left so I went to bed thinking. “What in the hell did I do tonight?”

The next morning I went to my remote and she called me telling me that we wanted to come and see me before my remote was over. But she never did and as I was leaving for the station she called me asking if I could come see her. I went over to her apartment and as I called for directions (I’m like that, I really need a GPS unit) she laughed and directed me in.  Now Megan was supposed to take her to the airport. But as the clock got closer and closer she got more nervous.

“How about I just take you to the airport hon?” I asked trying to help her out.

“Megan has to get my keys,” she said as she vacuumed nervously. “She has to feed my fish.”

So we waited until we couldn’t wait any longer, I started to help her take her stuff to the car. “You can drive my truck if you want Sean,” she told me.

“Nah, let me use my car,” I said as I started loading things in.  I really don’t drive other people’s vehicles, all I drive is my company car and my car.

As we started to pull out in came Megan and her various assistants. SHE gave the keys up, and I got her to the airport.  As I unloaded the bags I gave her a hug and a kiss on her forehead.  I didn’t try for a kiss on the lips. I wanted to play this slow.

She left and I didn’t think another thing about it, till I got a call from her telling me how much she appreciated me.

We talked on and off all the way her trip to Philly.

Every day the next week, we talked to 2 or 3 in the morning. We explored our friendship with each other and I had to pass several tests, including the “best girlfriend test”, the “friend who is a psychologist test” and the “Talk to my mother test”

I guess I passed.

So I told you that I would be making a small announcement here, so here it goes…

Last night after talking to her, since she has to take an exam to be a Travis County Sherriff’s Deputy officer, and thus will leave Lubbock after she graduates in December…

And knowing that we will have to be together for 5 months and then apart for at least 7 months…

I told Joanna Kate, my current girlfriend and soulmate, that if we can survive until August 21st 2009, that on that date, I would propose to her.  But if we don’t think we are ready, we will wait.

But if we are ready, we would get married before March 23, 2010 which would be my 40th birthday and six days later her 30th birthday.

So the countdown is on.

So to my ex… Thanks. If you hadn’t pushed Joanna and I away , I would have never treasured what a wonderful woman I have now.  She accepts me for me, allows me to have my passions and encourages me to become better each day.  She’ll have her degree in December and will either be working in Travis County or for the City of Lubbock as some sort of Police Officer.  And yes, I am proud of her.

So just in case you’ve been reading this Shelby and Ryan , yes, Daddy has a girlfriend and I know you’ll like her.

Love you Shelby, Love You Ryan, Love you Joanna Kate.

Sean

Thanks Bam-Bam for getting this song in my head… So Happy.

I’ve been dealing with issues that I didn’t want to admit nor discuss.  But I have to… Recently I was told the words that I thought I would never hear from my children.

“Daddy, we want to live with you.”

And my jaw dropped.

I didn’t mean to ignore everyone Sunday and most of Monday. It was I didn’t have an answer.  The ex told the kids that they would have to convince me to let them live with me.

All day today I’ve been in a haze.  I keep pinching myself trying to wake myself up, trying to figure out a way that I could have been sleeping, dreaming the dream that I one day wished would happen.

And I froze.

I didn’t know what to do, I was completely lost. Clueless.

What if it is a trick?  Get them interested into the idea and then pull the rug from beneathe me.

I have put the question aside for now hoping that Shelby and Ryan would bring it up but I am not sure if I should.

How it would be so wonderful, I would get to spend time with them, almost 6 long years that have been torn from my soul may not be replaced, but a wound that may finally be healed.

But then doubt creeps in on how I could afford to raise them. But I move that doubt aside, I’d eat Macaroni and Cheese, gaining every pound I have lost to be with them.

Then doubt creeps in on how I could get them watched while I was at work.  But I move that doubt aside as I would find ways to make the contacts and the people I have work for me.

Oh, have I mentioned doubt was around me last night as I failed in my attempts to sleep, as I tried to figure out how I could put an almost ten year old and a soon to be 7 year old in a two bedroom house. Then I looked at the for sale sign on the house next door.  Anything is possible.

Then I woke up.

Realizing that this may be a fad, a temporary problem.

It may be mind games, it may be an opportunity…

and I am frozen.

Waiting for the moving van to leave once again in my mind.

She’s commando like that!

So I picked her up from the airport before 9 and she dropped me off at the station so I could go on the air and continue to make a living.  Her goal was to look at the tile samples I had gotten for her and compare them to the bathroom and kitchen to make “The Perfect Selection”*.

To my surprise my phone rang after an hour.  I had to go on the air, do my job, take a long lunch to spend time with her so she knew I had until 1 before she was supposed to pick me up.

Why was she calling?

“You are a bachelor,” my mom said.

“What was your first hint? The toilet seat being up?”

She laughed, “What do you need from the store?”

“Well, since I go shopping on the 15th and the last day of the month usually, probably everything.”

“I’m already at the store picking you up odds and ends.”

Big Guy upstairs I Love my mom. Because she doesn’t ask, she just does.

So when she is ready to pick me up I have cases of water in the backseat of my car (that I had let her use) and she had already put the rest of the stuff up.

We headed off to the tile store and met Jeff Krueger of Carpet Solutions.  One of my good friends and the man whenever I decide to get some more money put aside, is going to fix the shell of a 67 Mustang in my garage.

Mom finds the “Perfect Selection*” and I nod my head as if to say ‘It doesn’t suck’ but to be sure we bring it and a grout color selector back to the house.  Jeff invited us to lunch and Mom couldn’t say no. We stopped by Garcia’s and had a nice lunch. I had never been to Garcia’s before and I was pleasantly surprised. I had the flour enchladas with cheese and they were incredible.  The chips and hot sauce was very good.  I stuck with water and trying my best not to get off that kick.

We headed to the house and examined the “Perfect Selection*” versus the two bordered tile. PERFECT!

So we headed back to the tile store, and I bought enough tile for the living room and the hall, 300 sq ft. Then I felt like I needed to check in. I had gotten permission to take a longer lunch, but I felt like I needed to get some work done and some face time in. So while mom read her book in my office, I got some paperwork and needed phone calls done.  I felt like I had gotten alot accomplished so we headed back to the house to box up some stuff.  Mom was great cause she had reorganized and cleaned the kitchen surprising me with a fridge full of water and fruit and veggies. Maybe she is trying to tell me something…

But the thing that made me laugh was that she had gotten me four zucchini. On the way to the airport tonight she told me about all the ways I could cook them.

But all I was thinking was a good recipe for Zucchini bread.

Is that wrong?

* (Mom is guaranteed to always make the Perfect Selection. Just ask your mom!)

Now Ryan was missing some easy putts and he was feeling not ok.  I thought this was the traditional “I miss Mommy” part of the trip.  But he was really good and excited because I promised him that we would be going to Texas Motor Speedway so he can go around a real track, like where his favorite driver Dale Jr. drives around.

But he looked puny in the morning.  REAL Puny.  So I tried to get him some breakfast to make him pick up.

No dice.  As I see my mom of the corner of my eye start into the kitchen.

“Daddy, I don’t feel g (PUKE)”

Now I turn to find the comforting glance of my Mom, but it is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.  Then I remember that Mom is a sympathetic puker and she left to get away from the nauseous sounds of my son puking on me.

I took care of putting him down so he could rest with the puke bucket next to him.

I tried to give him medication but the poor boy couldn’t keep any of it down.  I really felt like that the week was going to be totally ruined until he suddenly came out of the room 8 hours later and even felt like taking a picture with my brother.

But then the next day we were off, as I promised to Texas Motor Speedway.

Ryan was wearing his Dale Jr shirt and Shelby wanted to remind me that she was pinch proof.  Now we weren’t able to go on the track because the Fox people were setting up Gopher Cam (which is stupid BTW) and they were not even on the track at all, but the security morons said no.
Ryan was so pumped when I showed him this particular pit stall.  Because “Dale Jr. may have pitted here.” He got excited and tried to go over the wall but he wasn’t big enough he told me.  “If I grow up I could do this Daddy.”

You’ll grow up Ryan, I know you will.

NEXT I bought the traditional overpriced souvneirs for them and headed back to the house.  I bought all the grandkids that Mom was watching Happy Meals and we went outside to run around  (more them run and me watch)

Then I knew Ryan felt 100% better when he started pulling out the bunny ears.

But then what happens to the one who pulls it out?

The next day we went to the C.R. Smith museum where the kids got to fly a flight simulator.

Ryan enjoyed the ability to fly and he told me that if he couldn’t be a racecar driver that maybe he could be a pilot.

Shelby enjoyed going up and down the Flaghip Knoxville

and we even saw the brick that Dad bought for Tara.

The next day I had planned to taking the kids to the Ft. Worth Musuem but it was closed for renovations.  So no IMAX movie, no planetarium.  I was disappointed.  But Shelby and I played some cards and we went to the bookstore after my eye appointment to get the kids books.  Shelby was determined to get more science and Nancy Drew books.  I am so blessed to have such two young bright and determined kids.

So I was determined to make the last couple of days powerful.  I got the kids up early so we could go on a train ride, but not any train.

So we took a ride on the vintage railroad and Ryan was soooo happy.  Shelby and I laughed as Ryan was super excited.

Shelby wanted to ride the pedal cars and the kids had alot of fun.

Now when we got back from Thomas Dad had gotten back from the doctor.  This was the big exam. It was the test where Dad would find out if he was going to have to be on the IV Antibiotics for another two months.

Dad came back…

and his IV port was GONE!

YEAH!

So Dad only has to take Antibiotics by pills.

Very good news.

I could tell my Dad was on the way back to recovery when I took these two pictures:

 
Before I left with the kids the next day to drive them to Little Rock. The kids and I were getting on the scale to see how much they weighed and they convinced me to get on the scale. (Something that I would rather not do at all.)

Shelby was a bit heavy in my mind and she wanted me to lose weight, “cause Daddy, I know you give good bear hugs but you are toooooo big!”

So I made her a deal, for every pound she lost I’d lose two.  Shelby agreed and as I put them to bed Mom talked to me on how I needed to lose weight so I could walk her down the aisle.

I kinda poo pooed her and went to bed.

As I drove the next day to Little Rock, Shelby was serious about our deal.  So I promised her that I would try my best.

Driving back from Little Rock I found little things that amused me, like

Which begged the question was the team mascot the Hookers?

and my favorite sign of Rednecks in Arkansas…

Ironically, they were from Texas.

So I had totally forgotten about the whole weight loss thing by the time I had gotten home.

Mom, however did not.

“I’ve tried nagging, didn’t work.  I’ve tried asking, didn’t work. So I am going to come to your level. I’m going to make a bet with you.  You have to lose 43 pounds by the time I lose 50 pounds.  If I do you get ($ figure that impressed me)  If you lose you owe me $100.”

So I was getting good odds on my money, but I didn’t think I could do it.

“Portion control is your demon, beat it and claim the money”

So last week I started at 243.5 lbs on my goal to 200 pounds.  I stopped drinking soda and replaced it with water.  I replaced salads (and to those of you who laughed when anyone asked me if I wanted a salad and I replied “Do I look like a rabbit?” I’m eating them, reluctantly).  I’m eating breakfast for the first time since high school and as of this morning I weighed in at 235.5 pounds.

BOOOOOOOOOM!

I’ve got to keep up the hard work and I feel your pain GCox when you say everything looks good.

What could be better?

Well I jogged/walked my second 5k in under a month. I am serious about trying to beat my 5k time every time I do one.  I did this one (non alcohol enhanced time of ) 43:20.  So the goal is to beat that and to run in another organized run in April.

Yup, at least once a month.

I think I may need running shoes.

So to sum up:

I’ve started a diet.  I saw my kids come and go, and I went to a convention and LOVED it. I ran in two 5K’s one Alcohol inhibited and one not.  I improved my time (by over 4 mins) and I am going to run another one soon. I’m getting glasses and I just may have started my mid life crisis.