I had to get a new camera because the last one that I’ve had for 9 years finally died. I was so sad, and it was a battle just to decide on which type of camera I was going to get, but Joanna finally took my wallet out of my pocket after week 5 of looking at different cameras and told me;
“Just buy the damn thing!”
So, Shelby and Ryan’s pictures this time around are going to be sharper better and I finally bought something for ME!
I’ve made bad choices, been too impulsive, lied to myself to make me feel that I wasn’t getting used.
But sometimes the only way that life can move on if you chip through the frozen cube that you have been given.
There are places when you have to make choices that you don’t like.
But in the end, I’ve made my bed and now I have to lay in it.
Thank goodness I have the love of my wife, family and special friends.
For those of you who don’t understand it’s because I can’t say what I need to say. I don’t have the release that I used to.
I’ve been trapped in a frozen world of my own choosing.
And I have to find the ice pick and start chipping.
The people who had proven not to be my friends have been weeded from my life.
And the best part of it, I really don’t miss them.
The migraine that I’ve suffered all day with hasn’t gone away yet.
And I don’t anticipate it going away until the stress I’ve been under goes away.
But tonight I had a great time watching TV, holding my wife, and attempting to find a way through the ice.
My prayers are still with my friends ,the Schoonvelt family, and my great friend Kerri. Keep smiling my dear, everything will work out in the end.
My wife has been so wonderful these last couple of days and I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. Joanna, you make me smile, even when it hurts. I love you!
I’m going to try and play some live poker on Wednesday because what’s been going on online is not poker, just a game of outdraw.
Family Update:
Mom & Dad are back home from their cruise and I’m glad to have them back onshore.
The kids are great and I can’t wait to see how they have changed when I get to see them soon.
I found out that I have to be at work at 5A on Friday. Joy. I’m SOOOOOO Excited. Maybe I can get some shopping done before my shift at 9A.
When it rains it pours…
A week ago I didn’t think Joanna and I would have Thanksgiving plans. Since I work at the aforementioned 5A on Black Friday, I would be unable to have Thanksgiving with either of our families in Hurst and Fredricksburg.
We’ve been busy doing things for other people and getting Jewelry parties set up as well as wedding showers for Joanna and we’ve been too busy to think of what we are going to do for Thanksgiving. Just Sunday night, her parents asked us what we were doing for T-Day.
I just stared at her as I held her on the couch and said…
“Right now we don’t have any solid plans,” I said clueless to the Big Guy’s plan.
Because my usual single place for Thanksgiving – Dennis and Kristi Simmons , well, he’s the wide receivers coach for Tech and I had it in my mind that he would have practice in preparation for the FRIDAY game and not holding Thanksgiving this year. Except the game is on Saturday at Jimmy World in Dallas.
So they kindly invited us back for yet another year of shenanigans starting at 2. BTW Kristi cheats at cards. I’m not kidding, just ask Dee Brown. But I still hold the Turkey Bowl Trophy for spades against her and my wife to be. (Have I mentioned that they cheat horribly?)
COOL! We are normally done at 7 or so and I usually rolls myself into bed for a nice winters nap.
WRONG
Yesterday we were invited at 7 to the Dalby’s for a Thanksgiving Feast. I love Kym and Mike Dalby. She’s a nurse, he’s a firefighter and there isn’t a bad time that we have EVER had with them. Every year I find a way to sneak out a Fantasy Football win against him and he is always yelling my name in vain.
By the way GO NEW YORK NASTY BOYS!!!!!
SCORE! So we get baby Ava time with the Dalby’s because Mike won’t get home from the Fire Station till after 6-6:30. Every man needs to wind down a bit before he has to carve turkey!
Then this morning at 7:45 in the morning… we were invited to the Kruegers for a Thanksgiving shot of goodwill Thanksgiving morning.
A couple of days ago I was cursing because I felt that Thanksgiving would be a quiet one between Joanna and I.
Now , we will be surrounded by our friends being very thankful that they are in our lives.
Tonight it will be “Go to the wine store and figure out what Lubbock wine will go the best with Turkey!”
I’m a blessed man.
ERROR ! DOES NOT COMPUTE
Now I admit last night I got very frustrated because I was working on an accounting issue for someone I love. However my English and her English were not meshing.
Because she LEFT SOMETHING OUT!
Now the logical part of me is going crazy because she doesn’t give me all the facts. It was like this…
“How does 2 +1 = 4? Because it doesn’t!”
“But 2 + 1 + 1 = 4!”
“Where did the other 1 come from?”
“Didn’t I tell you about the other 1?”
“NO!” (red angry face)
“Oops!”
I’m a logical person but in every equation you can’t solve for X if there isn’t a X to solve for.
25 days and I can’t wait.
Each day we get closer and closer, and each day I look more forward to it all being done and she being mine…
and I’m far from free to talk about the last couple of months but I’m back to try and get the feelings and emotions out.
I had an alternate blog that I put nothing but private posts up and there probably won’t be a day when those see the light of day.
I was stuck, not willing to let anything go, not willing to let anything out, and I was constipated with thought and emotions. Rather than yelling and screaming on here, I’ve decided to hold thing in.
And that’s where I become the most miserable.
I wasn’t in the beginning because most of the stuff I discussed in my blog was discussed with Joanna and I had an outlet. But the longer that I didn’t write, I didn’t feel like I was free.
One of my friend Mookie’s question’s is Do you get a lot of grief for your poker habit? It isn’t my poker habit, it’s my writing habit. I’ve been doing a lot of things that haven’t been condusive to writing, I’ve let my feelings get bottled up and in the end, I have shut down.
I’ve played games, tried playing poker, tried writing other stuff, but I’m not sure what I needed to do, so I hid. It’s what I do and Mitchell and my other friends know that I shut down when I don’t know the answer.
And that has hurt my friends and family.
They were worried, and in a dream I had last night, I was brought to a writing intervention.
“You know, ” my dream friend Mitchell says, “you seem happier when you are writing and your friends and family are here to let you know that we won’t let you hide in the excuse of work and video games to try and avoid life.”
“You run around the house kissing me when you get those awe inspiring ideas and those have been gone for awhile,” my dream fiance Joanna cries,”I want my creative (nickname not for public consumption) back.”
Then my friend Marshall knocks down the door. “Dude, you’ve been gone? WTF”
So, I’m back, hurting a little less and hoping that the struggles that I go through are less each day and that my dreams are closer and my love is stronger than it has been before.
I know times are tough, but as long as you have familty that loves you and good friends, nothing else matters.
Be tough and remember that the only thing that hold you back is you yourself.
I learned that yesterday. I’ve alwyas thought of myself as a small cog, something that can be replaced with any other cog and the motor will work the same.
But yesterday, I was told how important I was in my field and it felt good. There is very very few people in the multiple groups of my field that does what I do. I’m the ultimate specialist. And its good to know I’ll be able to find work because of my abilities whenever in the future my time here is over.
But to my friends who I know are sturggling in this economy, have hope. I’m saying multiple prayers for you and negotiating with the Big Guy. Maybe your perfect gig is just around the corner. Have faith!
Spilling Poetry was actually born from the ashes of Bone Flower Elegy, another popular local band around the Lubbock music scene. When the bass player for Bone Flower Elegy quit in early 1994, the remaining members — Brian Enderson (vocals, guitar), Lynn Holdridge (drums), and Jamie Sanders (guitar) — joined up with Ryan Muff (bass) and changed their name to Spilling Poetry. The new band quickly set about playing around town and soon recorded their debut album, Invisible, which came out later in the spring of 1994. While Invisible went on to sell out the initial 1,000 copies the band had made, they continued to play regionally and build themselves a strong following over the next two years. By the mid-’90s, Spilling Poetry had become known as the band to see in West Texas and were widely heralded as the ones most likely to break into the big time…Luckily, though the band may have called it quits and their first two releases — Invisible and Microphonic — have gone out of print, all Spilling Poetry’s previous music is still available on their website in one form or another, and the band has continued to release new songs off their unfinished last album from time to time – Matthias Sheaks, All Music Guide
I actually have a couple copies of Invisible… and I never got a copy of Microphonic.
But I was part of the band. I was the manager. I managed them for a year and a half and each moment was a joy. We split apart, them heading to the future and me heading to the radio career that I still have today. While the band broke up in 2001 and underwent many changes, I know the four original members.
Brian was the brooding artist. Lynn was the quiet storm, Ryan was the thinker and Jamie, oh Jamie was my friend.
When the band changed and Jamie and I were out, we formed a talent agency that went nowhere due to the disintegration of the Lubbock music scene. The clubs started to close and the talent all went to Dallas and Austin following their dream.
Jamie and I spent many an evening after the band finished practicing just talking about my frustrations, his get rich quick schemes and relationships , his with Amy and mine with Angie. There was something nice, sitting in the office of the warehouse as he smoked and we chatted, sometimes until 3 in the morning. It was peaceful, sometimes sitting there watching the cars pass and wonder if we were going to get mugged. I miss those moments we had together.
I had let him leave to do what he thought was best, moving to Dallas so he could be closer to his ex and his daughter. I didn’t push when he came in town to meet, but it was on both of our minds. We needed that chance to blow off steam. I knew he had flaked out on having lunch when he came in town a couple of times, but hell I had to cancel a couple meetings too.
We knew that we would eventually catch up with each other and reminisce about J. Gilligans in Arlington or the time we were offered crack at the bar in Amarillo. We had a million stories and we loved telling ‘em again and again.
Jamie Sanders – Ex guitar player for Spilling Poetry, the band I managed when I first moved to Lubbock. Had heard he had gotten divorced and was looking forward to catching up with him, but he disappearred.
Craig Wharton,
Spilling Poetry,
Jamie Sanders,
Friends I can talk to for hours to on the phone,
Randy Bush,
Mitchell Ivey,and all the moments that I wish I had cherished instead of throwing them away
I’m still thinking of the band gathering before each concert, interlocking their hands and praying coming out with my favorites.
And in June of 08 I talked with him. He wasn’t much into talking, just wanted to let me know that he was ok and that we would get together.
But I won’t have that opportunity to catch up anymore. You see Jamie had his own demons and he fought them until Tuesday evening when he passed. I can’t tell you how or why, cause I don’t know the facts just third person knowledge.
He was like my younger brother… and he is now gone.
I found out Thursday afternoon and my heart sank.
I did my show in a trance today and dreaded each tick of the clock as it got closer to the viewing.
I went in, saw Brian, Tiffany, Amy and then I walked a path that I dreaded.
And I saw the coffin. I saw him as he last walked the earth.
But as I walked away, I remembered the Jamie I knew. I remembered the moments we had and I cried.
Vaya Con Dios Mi Amigo. We will have that lunch someday. I’ll pick up the check.
I had to get a new camera because the last one that I’ve had for 9 years finally died. I was so sad, and it was a battle just to decide on which type of camera I was going to get, but Joanna finally took my wallet out of my pocket after week 5 of looking at different cameras and told me;
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