There are plenty of people in this world that I know are cheating. Cheating on their wives, jobs, poker etc. But the worst are those who “claim” that they “didn’t read the rules” or that they “just didn’t know”.
They try and find every advantage that they can get so that they can cheat.
And their INCREDIBLE SHOCK at getting caught.
Look, if you feel that you have the intestinal fortitude to cheat, when I point it out and your face turns BRIGHT RED and you point your head to the ground, I KNOW YOU ARE LYING TO ME!
But I am the better man.
Cause I knew your kid wasn’t 8, yet I still let him hunt in the Easter egg hunt, and in the 5,000 eggs, your cretin found the one lucky egg that had the bike in it.
I’m not mad because I couldn’t stop you from lying.
I’m not mad because I can’t make you prove your son was under 8 at the time of the Easter Egg hunt.
What I can be mad about is the thousand other kids who were between 6 and 8 that were denied a bike because of your greed.
I can be mad that you took advantage of the system.
And now that I told you how much of a sob you are, here is your son’s new bike.
For I have made magic happen. I’ve been writing and been inspired by my friend John’s Choices series, that I’m making choices. Some of them good, some of them bad. But I’m no longer sitting with the fence post up my ass.
Things are busy at work and Joanna and I are even busier with the house. Everything has to be perfect for in 27 days, the kids will be here in Lubbock.
I know we won’t have everything done, but even a yeoman’s effort will be enough to transform boxes and concepts into reality.
I’ve stayed away from poker lately and that may change in the future. I’ve tried to do things that were completely wrong like trying things that in the end would frustrate me. But I gave it a noble effort.
I’ve tried also some things that I have seen success in. Even a project that may turn out even better than I thought in the first place. But I have to be patient, something that Shelby makes me do every day, cause the girl, never even heard the word patient.
“When am I coming to see you Daddy? I miss you!”
Now on the other hand, Ryan is not talking to me now. My ex says its a phase. I’m not sure that I can handle an extended phase of my son withdrawing from me. I need to work on hyper communicating with him when I can.
And the boy that I wanted to play catch with, take camping with and have fun , like my father was with me, otherwise, I may lose him forever.
I don’t have fear anymore, I would have been a wreck in years past knowing about decisions that could affect my future.
But I know now that I control my future, and tomorrow during lunch, I’m going to make a visit to someone that may help me try and be a better me.
Today we spent the majority of the day watching for santa. Yes St. Nick was on his yearly ride across the world and Shelby, Ryan and I were watching http://www.noradsanta.org to see the entire adventure. We watched the great cgi videos and examined different places around the world. As Santa hit the east coast Ryan came up to me and asked,
Daddy,
Is there really a Santa Claus?
and I read him the great New York Sun Editorial …
Dear Editor,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove?
Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart.
Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus?
Thank God, he lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
I went to the Dallas Ft. Worth International Airport today with a smile in my heart. I went to pick up a pair of precious cargo but as always in my life, nothing ever goes the way it should.
I started to head for the airport from my parents house, trying to leave so I could get to the airport in plenty of time. There is nothing in this world that excites me more than this day. But as I left Norwood and headed on Airport Freeway I was stunned to see back to back traffic for miles upon miles. There was an accident and there was nothing I could do but wait.
But I couldn’t, I had to get there with plenty of time, so I exited and started down back road #1 to the airport, but a couple miles down the road I was stymied with yet another accident and I backtracked to my third alternate route. As I called the airline to verify the gate, I could feel the sound of my heart pounding in my head. I arrived at the gate after the joy of waiting in line for the plane.
But there was a plane still being boarded. A plane to Sacramento. “Final Boarding Call to Sacromento!” I was excited but I thought I could watch the plane come in. I could watch the plane pull in. My smile was beaming, INCREDIBLE, radiant.
As I sat by the window, I felt a presence, another man was next to me watching the plane.
“Waiting for your kid,” he asked.
“Time of the year, when divorced men come together to meet their kids because of everlasting love,” I responded.
“Is that the plane,” he asked as he motioned to the plane that we both stared at.
“Think so,” I said as the plane sat on the tarmac.
Minutes went by and we both continued to stare at the plane.
“You buy both ways,” he asked.
“Nope, just one way,” I responded.
“Lucky man,” he answered as we both continued to stare at the plane.
Then the plane started to rev its engines and we encouraged the plane sitting at A29 to move. But the plane that we thought was the plane from Louisville started to roll away from where we watched it. We watched it in horror hoping that it wasn’t.
We walked to the board hoping that the plane was delayed, hoping that another plane would show up. But as we went up to the board our worst fears were confirmed.
GATE C20.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY?
We both looked at each other and started a dead run to the train. We ran up the stairs three at a time as we watched the plane move further and further away. We caught the train to terminal C and we continued to just stare at each other.
“We’ll make it…” I said as determination hit my face.
“Oh hell yes,” he said.
As the doors open, it was a fast break sprint to the gate… and as the first passenger comes off the plane we look at each other and smile.
We shook each others hands and stood next to each other.
As the first group of Unaccompanied Minors came off a look of terror came over our face. None of the kids were either of ours. But a second group came and I looked as I saw a tear roll down his face. It was his daughter that caused the tear. I patted him on the back, but he didn’t notice. But I continued to wait, and the final group of unaccompanied minors came striding up the ramp.
And Ryan let the way, and Shelby was close behind. And they screamed Daddy!
All the pain I have felt in the last couple of months went away.
Thanks Bam-Bam for getting this song in my head… So Happy.
I’ve been dealing with issues that I didn’t want to admit nor discuss. But I have to… Recently I was told the words that I thought I would never hear from my children.
I got the person that I needed for work, and lost a battle I shouldn’t have.
But the major thing that I accomplished today, was believing in myself. I’ve had a lot to think about recently and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t run from who I am or where I am at.
I’ve decided to focus on a couple of projects that I had put away and I like what I am doing.
But I can’t wait until the tile guy comes to do some installation.
Yup, very ++EV!
Finally Reid was able to stabilize the websites as well as fix some issues with the mail server that had been bugging me.
We’re getting closer and closer to fixing some things that I would love to have fixed in the house and my eagerness is just overwhelming. It’s really good to see the hard work pay off.
Shelby called me tonight and was reading the second Harry Potter book. “It’s easy to read dad,” my nine year old genius said to me. Ryan still won’t talk to me, but I can be hopeful in the future.
Tonight I had Cheese Dreams, something I haven’t had in a long time. (Sorry I’m no Astin but allow me to demonstrate the joy of a cheese dream.)
Take bread, apply imitation butter topping. Put slice of tomato on top of said bread. Cover with a slice of imitation cheese. Toast in oven until cheese is melted. Eat. Enjoy. YUM!
Probably not good for my diet, but I had a big salad for lunch. I used to tell people when they asked me if I wanted a salad “Do I look like a rabbit?”. But now… I eat them so I can continue my weight loss and feel better about me.
It’s been hotter than hell up here. But it’s a dry heat. (HA!) Shelby told me tonight that she was watching Tropical Storm Edward (No funny english spelling. It’s spelled like it’s pronounced.) She was hoping that it didn’t hit some warm water and hit either Grandma in Dallas or me in Lubbock. I told her that we could use the rain and the clouds.
She laughed.
It’s hard to comprehend the insanity that was in my mind when I said that I could stand to live seeing my kids only three times a year.
I did it so the kids wouldn’t be passed between Angela and I like property. So they wouldn’t be dangling their love as a treasure for us.
But I am failing as a father. My daughter and son need me and I am 1044.85 miles away from them. What kind of man does that make me? I thought that made me a strong man, but recently and ever since my last disaster of a date, (note to self, even if she says she loves kids , dont pull out the pictures, remain cool), I’ve found a major hole in my heart.
I’m alone.
And my daughter is BEGGING me to have her come visit me cause she needs her daddoo.
So I’m going to work on either going to see them for a weekend or bring them down even though Ryan still won’t talk to me. Money is no object. I just need to feel like I am whole again.
Because I am far from whole.
I am hurting and listening to my daughter cry telling me how much she misses me breaks my heart even more.
I can’t write, I can’t think. All I do is remember the words of yesterday from my ex-wife “Your daughter needs you Sean.”
And thus the knife that I placed in a holster on my back was shoved in.
The things I want I have had to make sacrifices to get…
But my career, my house, my life as it is now… I would give away for one weekend with my kids. Maybe its time to move closer, end this chapter in my life. I am trying to figure out what I want, need and deserve.
But maybe all I deserve is to just think, and pick up the pieces, moving on.
That’s what I had last night/this morning as I left Oklahoma City and headed home.
Six hours of re-evaluation.
Where I am as a friend, who I am and what I need.
I needed something to do that didn’t think how my nose itched and my chest heaved. Until I hit the Texas state line and it started to pour. Then I kept my mind on just trying to stay on the road while its pouring cats and dogs.
I like driving for self examination. I look at the mistakes I have made and the choices I will make in the future.
I made one last chance with someone mean ever so much to me.
I gave her a last chance to see me who I am. And she told me that we would never be together ever again.
I was sad and I tried not to cry as I hung up the phone.
I pulled over and was thinking about the power of the 12th of July. It would have been my sisters 37th birthday. What would she have done? Would she have married Trent? Would she live in Bedford? Would she still become a pharmacist?
Those thought were heavy like the rain as I pulled back onto the road.
As I walked into the house and into her arms I knew I would never love her again. And it was sad.
The past is such a fickle thing. It gives you hope for the future and yet reminds you not to forget it or you’ll be doomed to repeat it.
She told me tonight that her next relationship would be not even with a male. Perhaps a female.
It didn’t matter what she said. All I heard was just not you.
We have a limited time on this earth and now I am not chasing, but grasping for experiences and those I would have never chased before. Last year, at this time, I took a gamble, which made me into such a better rounded person. I found new friends, new acquaintances and new people who hate me. Lucky me. For the changes that I have made have opened my eyes to a new world, a new life.For it are the experiences that are priceless, not anything that we can buy or sell.
I can count on my finger the chances that I have taken in the past because I never took them. I never stuck my head out of the shell to see what the world has to offer. And that’s a crying shame.
I’ve forgiven those who have thought that I have hurt them and hurt me back.I can’t wait to visit Stacy when she is back in Phoenix.We have put aside our differences and tried to work out a friendship that at one time was so damaged we couldn’t even mention the others name without the venom of hate corrupting our soul.
I’ve pardoned those who have sinned, lied and cheated against me.You will not have my trust anymore, but my sympathy.For your lost soul will continue haunting this earth long after your mortal body leaves it.
I’ve continued to understand those who have seen that their lives have changed beyond their control and accepted the differences of them.For I see not only who they are, but who they were.
I had a special moment in the car driving from the lake house to Gary’s house in Oklahoma City.Three divorced men sitting in the car, talking about things that make them weak, make them strong and how wonderful the people they have surrounded themselves have been.
And that moment will be a part of my heart.As the moment, I had to pull a friend away from a game, to tell him I had to leave because I couldn’t breathe.So frustrated I was, because of all the things going on in my head, that I didn’t want to spoil his day.
I used to cause fights with my dad and mom when I had to leave for Texas Tech after a visit so I could just go away.I hate saying goodbye.It’s the one thing I will never do.
It is until we meet again, tomorrow, the next day or in the arms of the Big Guy.
My heart is aching tonight, not because of the experiences that I missed by leaving earlier than I planned, for it worked out better for me.I got laundry done, work stuff prepared and I will rest more than I usually do before I go into work.Nay, my heart aches for my family, who mourns once again my sister’s absence from this earth.I mourn too, knowing that mom but yellow roses on her grave from her big brother.
As the grey clouds continue to circle my heart, I hope to find the sunshine that will continue to shine upon me.
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