Thanks Bam-Bam for getting this song in my head… So Happy.
I’ve been dealing with issues that I didn’t want to admit nor discuss. But I have to… Recently I was told the words that I thought I would never hear from my children.
Categories: Instant Sean, Life, My Family, What's on my mind Tags: Family, Kids, Ryan, Shelby
I got the person that I needed for work, and lost a battle I shouldn’t have.
But the major thing that I accomplished today, was believing in myself. I’ve had a lot to think about recently and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t run from who I am or where I am at.
I’ve decided to focus on a couple of projects that I had put away and I like what I am doing.
But I can’t wait until the tile guy comes to do some installation.
Yup, very ++EV!
Finally Reid was able to stabilize the websites as well as fix some issues with the mail server that had been bugging me.
We’re getting closer and closer to fixing some things that I would love to have fixed in the house and my eagerness is just overwhelming. It’s really good to see the hard work pay off.
Shelby called me tonight and was reading the second Harry Potter book. “It’s easy to read dad,” my nine year old genius said to me. Ryan still won’t talk to me, but I can be hopeful in the future.
Tonight I had Cheese Dreams, something I haven’t had in a long time. (Sorry I’m no Astin but allow me to demonstrate the joy of a cheese dream.)
Take bread, apply imitation butter topping. Put slice of tomato on top of said bread. Cover with a slice of imitation cheese. Toast in oven until cheese is melted. Eat. Enjoy. YUM!
Probably not good for my diet, but I had a big salad for lunch. I used to tell people when they asked me if I wanted a salad “Do I look like a rabbit?”. But now… I eat them so I can continue my weight loss and feel better about me.
It’s been hotter than hell up here. But it’s a dry heat. (HA!) Shelby told me tonight that she was watching Tropical Storm Edward (No funny english spelling. It’s spelled like it’s pronounced.) She was hoping that it didn’t hit some warm water and hit either Grandma in Dallas or me in Lubbock. I told her that we could use the rain and the clouds.
She laughed.
And I smiled.
Categories: Instant Sean, Life, My Family, What's on my mind Tags: Food, Kids, Renovation, Shelby
It’s hard to comprehend the insanity that was in my mind when I said that I could stand to live seeing my kids only three times a year.
I did it so the kids wouldn’t be passed between Angela and I like property. So they wouldn’t be dangling their love as a treasure for us.
But I am failing as a father. My daughter and son need me and I am 1044.85 miles away from them. What kind of man does that make me? I thought that made me a strong man, but recently and ever since my last disaster of a date, (note to self, even if she says she loves kids , dont pull out the pictures, remain cool), I’ve found a major hole in my heart.
I’m alone.
And my daughter is BEGGING me to have her come visit me cause she needs her daddoo.
So I’m going to work on either going to see them for a weekend or bring them down even though Ryan still won’t talk to me. Money is no object. I just need to feel like I am whole again.
Because I am far from whole.
I am hurting and listening to my daughter cry telling me how much she misses me breaks my heart even more.
I can’t write, I can’t think. All I do is remember the words of yesterday from my ex-wife “Your daughter needs you Sean.”
And thus the knife that I placed in a holster on my back was shoved in.
The things I want I have had to make sacrifices to get…
But my career, my house, my life as it is now… I would give away for one weekend with my kids. Maybe its time to move closer, end this chapter in my life. I am trying to figure out what I want, need and deserve.
But maybe all I deserve is to just think, and pick up the pieces, moving on.
Categories: Instant Sean, Instant Tragedy, Life, My Family, What's on my mind Tags: Agony, Instant Sean, Kids, Life, Seperation, What's on my mind
The past is such a fickle thing. It gives you hope for the future and yet reminds you not to forget it or you'll be doomed to repeat it. She told me tonight that her next relationship would be not even with a male. Perhaps a female. It didn't matter what she said. All I heard was just not you. We have a limited time on this earth and now I am not chasing, but grasping for experiences and those I would have never chased before. Last year, at this time, I took a gamble, which made me into such a better rounded person. I found new friends, new acquaintances and new people who hate me. Lucky me. For the changes that I have made have opened my eyes to a new world, a new life. For it are the experiences that are priceless, not anything that we can buy or sell.
Categories: Family, Friends, Instant Sean, Instant Tragedy, Life, My Family Tags: Experiences, Friends, Instant Tragedy, Kids, Life, My Family, Tara
Categories: Instant Sean, What's on my mind Tags: Instant Happiness, Instant Sean, Kids, Misc, Poker, Project V, Project Y
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