It’s your brother Sean.  I’m missing you bro.  You’d be proud of me, I’ve been painting the house and somehow, I finally understand the concept that no matter how hard you scrub and wash, you will always miss one section of paint that dripped, slopped or fell on you that you are oblivious with.  I remember the days where you’d come back from some job and your hands would be covered with paint hiding the wear and tear that you put yourself through.

Theresa is taking care of Grandma.  She’s a handful and I know Theresa misses you.

The family is not the same without you.  Even though it’s been over 3 years, it feels like yesterday when you and I had that final call.

We cussed, we discussed my poker and in the end we both told each other that we loved the other. I’m not afraid to say that. You are my brother and I look forward to the day long in the future where we can throw the football and talk again.

I’m not good. I admit it. Work is challenging, Joanna is wonderful and mom won’t come to the wedding.  I’m hurting.  I stayed up till 5 in the morning today just trying to sleep.  Finally Joanna told me to just go play poker. So I did and I failed.  My focus is far from what it used to be. I used to be able to make the reads and tear down the players.  I’m rusty, and I miss you.  I’m trying to be strong but in the end, I admit my weaknesses. 

I know, it’s not a good idea to let everyone know what I’m feeling or what I think.  Probably a good idea not to blog.  But that’s not me.  I see great things in the future.  

This morning is like how I feel.  It started with dark omnious clouds in the air.  The day seemed like it would be gloomy forever. It stormed, with lightning, thunder and hail all around.  Lights went off and we were in the dark. But then, the storm passed, the lights came back on and in the end the sun shone.

I’m in the thunderstorm part of my life. The hail is pounding me, cracking and knocking me down. But as I am bruised and pained, the sun peeks from the clouds and the rainbow returns.

There is damage, some that will never be fixed, nor healed.  But there as a reminder that as long as I give people the power to hurt me they will.

I’ve become very disillusioned. I’m starting to see things that I wish that the curtain would cover again.  But like the great and mighty oz cowered behind the curtain. I cower in safety.

Maybe I should leave Lubbock, move to somewhere else and start over. I don’t think that leaving would be the solution.

Because you can run, but you can never hide from family.

I wish you were here.  You’d come up here to Lubbock and we’d go play golf at Shadow Hills. Just you , me and maybe L.T. would tag along.

We’d drink a shot to grandpa and to Tara , saying nothing but saying enough.

I need a sign brother.  Everytime I’ve asked, somehow you’ve always been there giving me that one thing that your super busy brother has missed.  Something that was right in front of me.

But you aren’t here, and I’m hurting.  I feel isolated from the people that I love the most.  And yet it hurts more to push away from them than I would have thought.

I’ve been lucky for some great opportunities and people to come my way.  I’m going to try and go back to school and get that piece of paper that maybe would make me feel that I’ve accomplished something in 39 years.

Monday, I was just on my way home after yet another painful day at work when Joanna called me telling me to come to the house immediately.  I asked why and she told me that I needed a smile and that I would get one when I got there.   When I pulled into the driveway I saw 4 new tires for the Mustang that I hadn’t been able to purchase because money has been tight.  Somehow one of my friends knew I needed a pick me up.

But I’m not going to work on the Mustang until I get the house finished painted and organized.

I wish you were here to sit, listen to music and just chat.

I miss you brother!!! Could you mention to the Big Guy that I could really use some sleep.  These three hour nights are killing me. If you could put a word in I would appreciate it.

Love,

Your hurting brother Sean.

Dates and further notices to be announced at a date when I give a damn, but right now I want to tell you  story:

The princess slept as this prince slept near her, guarding her, for no one would hurt his sister on his watch.  The princess dreamt of presents and of finding the one man of her dreams, the prince dreamt of mighty battles and vanquishing evil.

And the King watched over his two charges and looked with a smile and a tear.  His charges were not small anymore, they tried to solve their problems without involving the king, but sometimes their arguments brought down the house. 

The Princess was the oldest and wanted all of the things done first because, she was the oldest and that’s how it was supposed to be, and of course she was a tween.

The Prince was the youngest and wanted all the things for him done first, because unlike the princess, he never knew his father, just coming over twice a year didn’t build a relationship with him.

The King tried his best to make their time with him in his kingdom a happy time, some times he ruled for the princess, and some times he ruled for the prince.

But he saw his time on this earth coming to an end, not today, tomorrow but years down the line.  He wanted to make sure that he taught his charges the right from wrong and helping others.

Times the old king dreamed would come faster, seem to come at a price.  Each time he saw his princess and prince, he was older, wiser and greyer.  His prince was handsome, and his princess a wonder and all he thought was the times he wasn’t there, running his kingdom, trying to help out the prince and princess.  Each time they came it felt like it would be the last.

But then one day as he lay in the infirmary, he knew that he wouldn’t be there forever and tried to tell them often how he felt.

But then sometimes young princes and princesses hear the words and yet don’t understand the true meaning.

I love you my prince and princess.  May your dreams be filled with treasure, learning gallore, may you find the one who loves you without pause and may you find everlasting happiness with your charges.

Love,

Your King.

4 Generations

 Finally we got the website up and working.  Reid upgraded the website to the newest software.

So I’ll be checking in and out during the week.  Internet is crappy so Good Luck.

So last week Mom came in to help me make the correct selection of tile for the living room and hallway.  It’s part of the “Master Plan” to make the house look better so if I decide to sell it, or to “improve the facilities” as dad puts it.

We’d been waiting for the tiles to make an appearance from Abilene since last week, and as you know I am not a patient man.  Finally they showed up yesterday and the tile guy went and picked them up.

I decided to have the men pull the wood covering the floor at the entrance way up so that there would be a definite difference in the appearance when you immediately walked in.  Mom and I have found grout that matched the tile squares that were in front of the fireplace.

I wasn’t really excited about keeping them but I had just was resigned to having the transition to the new tile asap.

I came back home for lunch and Michael had not only gotten the hell that was the three square feet of wood up (they had used WAY too much glue when the builders put it down) BUT he had removed the tile from the front of the fireplace so we can have a uniformed look for the room.

I was MEH when I first saw the tile because I didn’t have a concept or thought of what they would look like in my house. BUT I was incredibly impressed this evening when I came home to see half the floor done.

The tile brightens up the room significantly and looks to be well worth the money.

I went to work today with the knowledge that I had to make an intro speech at the Omni Theatre of their new movie “Fly Me To The Moon” and then I was going to meet Kerri for “Fun Night”.  We had our normal staff meeting at the beginning of the month and I know I rarely mention work on here, but I was shocked and pleased to find out that I was chosen employee of the month. WOW!  My prize was a Cleveland Brown jersey of Jamal Lewis. Because like Jamal “I just pound and get it done.”  It really made my day.  Now I have a home and away Browns jersey.

Then after seeing the immediate improvements to the house, I went, did the intro and convinced Kerri to go play some tournament putt putt with me.

Now I have to tell ya, anytime with the prices that are going sky high these days for entertainment, how could I turn down:

Free before tournament practice, and 3 games of putt putt for $6.27?  Are you kidding me?

So I couldn’t turn it down and played.  We played on the harder of the two Lubbock courses and I shot a 4 over 112.  Which sometimes would have pissed me off especially after the 97 I posted last week. But when the leader of the tourney comes over and gives me a “great round Sean”, it just added to the fun of the day.  Because I found out later after my handicap I shot a 105 which is 3 under.  BOOOOOOOM! Also Kerri had fun, especially with her “Handicap” scoring system.  If she couldn’t get it in two, she had us mark her down for a 3.  No matter what.  It must be a girl thing. I still beat her by a bunch of strokes.

We they went and got a snack, for we were tired, with the crew and sat and told stories.  Sometimes the best stories are told with friends and new friends while sitting having a coke.

But then Kerri, who has been my best female friend for over ten years, suggested that we go to the “less ghetto Buffalo Wild Wings” the new one on the developing west side.  I was and will be ready for anything and we were off.

When we got there I was impressed on how airy and lit the place was while remaining intimate.  It is a big difference from the Buffalo Wild Wings down the street from me.  They did a great job with the new one. I was amazed at all the HD tvs they had in their.  So we had one drink, and I saw Tori and I had to give her a hug.  After that I came home and let Mugsy out of his box.

Now the concept of my dog not having free reign in the house while I was gone today was foreign to him. And especially when the men came to start working I had to put him in his box.  But until the sealer is down on the grout/tile he will have limited house privledges.  It pains me to have to put him up at night and give him limited time out in the morning , at lunch and when I get home at dinner time but there is a bigger goal in sight.

Renovation Stage 2 coming to an end. YAY!

And I’m letting Kerri grab the stuff I don’t need and take them to her mom’s house for the SUPER GARAGE SALE, which will hopefully sell some crap and keep it from coming back into my house.

So for Friday, lots of work to do, lots of things to get accomplished. But it will pay off in the long run.

They just live way far away from me.

But I’m about ready to meet two of them for lunch here in the Hub. I can almost always count on Dalby for anything.

***Pagerank Smagerank***

My PageRank according to my friends have gone down on Google, but I’ve pretty well have written off
Google as well as Internet Explorer. My browser of choice is now and probably forever will be Firefox. I listened to my SEO advisor and see what that got me. I’m probably going to take down soem of the superflorous ads and just never look at IE again.

Life blog down from a 5 to a 3. Poker Blog from a 4 to a 3. Hmm. Fuck em and feed em fishsticks.

***Continuing of life changes***

Mom is coming in to inspect the damage that I have done and approve tile selection. I tried to get Dad up here so we can do some painting, but he is “busy working on projects”. His loss. Mom and I will go out to eat on him!

We’re going to meet my friend Jeff Krueger from Carpet Solutions and he going to help us get tile at a reasonable rate. I really don’t care about what it looks like except no burnt orange or maroon. Those are automatic vetos.

***Writing ***
I’ve been writing offline just jotting down ideas and concepts for new books and short stories. I’ve found my best stories come from sitting and just watching the world around me. Damon and I saw a fight of a boyfriend and girlfriend out in the parking lot of the Cotton Patch Cafe and without a beat I just started to tell Damon what they were saying even though we were across the street inside Chick-Fil-A. It’s just something I do. Sometimes it works, sometimes in the words of Surflexus… I’ve got nothing. BUt Pushmonkey72 has sent me some books to help my character development process along.

***McG better watch out***
Last night I worked with some software to put some of the photos and movies I took from Okie-Vegas and The 2008 Ferlin Husky Memorial Drinking Festival together. Still working on just making it look good. Nothing to note as of yet, but it is good to try and develop skills and talents I’ve never tried before.

*** A special note to Bam-Bam ***
1. Because you live in Canada.
2. Your heart is always in the right place.
3. Because you’ve found the true love in your life and you spoil her.
4. You never give up.
5. Just Because.

Thanks

***On the movie kick***
I’ve seen Hancock, Hellboy, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Batman in the last two weeks. I go through these kicks where I just want to sit and watch movies and be told a story. Then I’m off to not watch a movie for 10 months. Weird huh?

***Kids***
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is too late to move to Indiana to be “Daddoo” in the sense that the kids have grown past certain things. However I’ve come to the conclusion that I will be changing the things that we do when I go and see them or when they see me. Thus more science museums for Shelby (who can’t get enough science) and more parks and baseball games for Ryan. Also I am going to work and find ways to get Shelby to come see me and give her some one on one time with Daddy with Ryan starting when he can fly by himself.

***Misc***
Finances Have been tight lately as I finally paid off another bill and I am investing into paying off the house.
I’ve been reading an Andrew Tobias book before I goto sleep at night and I see the mistakes I have made in the past.

I’m trying to improve myself and my surroundings. Thus I am going on a kick of pruning my possessions. If I haven’t used it in six months or have no desire to give it to the kids will be either sold, donated or thrown away.

***Final Thoughts***

I’m changing, and it is slow. But I see the mistakes I have made and I see that some of the five things that my friend told me are true. I just have to make the changes to fix what I can. I’m opening up in some areas while shutting others down.

Before I took care of others before me because I thought that in the end I would be taken care of by others. That was a mistake on my part. Now I take care of myself first in the pursuit of helping others. That way we are BOTH covered.

Lunch with friends, working out tonight trying to bike another 10 miles on my way to biking a marathon.

sd

That’s what I had last night/this morning as I left Oklahoma City and headed home.

Six hours of re-evaluation.

Where I am as a friend, who I am and what I need.

I needed something to do that didn’t think how my nose itched and my chest heaved. Until I hit the Texas state line and it started to pour.  Then I kept my mind on just trying to stay on the road while its pouring cats and dogs.

I like driving for self examination.  I look at the mistakes I have made and the choices I will make in the future.

I made one last chance with someone mean ever so much to me.

I gave her a last chance to see me who I am. And she told me that we would never be together ever again.

I was sad and I tried not to cry as I hung up the phone.

I pulled over and was thinking about the power of the 12th of July.  It would have been my sisters 37th birthday.  What would she have done?  Would she have married Trent?  Would she live in Bedford?  Would she still become a pharmacist?

Those thought were heavy like the rain as I pulled back onto the road.

As I walked into the house and into her arms I knew I would never love her again. And it was sad.

The past is such a fickle thing.  It gives you hope for the future and yet reminds you not to forget it or you’ll be doomed to repeat it.

She told me tonight that her next relationship would be not even with a male. Perhaps a female.

It didn’t matter what she said.  All I heard was just not you.

We have a limited time on this earth and now I am not chasing, but grasping for experiences and those I would have never chased before.  Last year, at this time, I took a gamble, which made me into such a better rounded person.  I found new friends, new acquaintances and new people who hate me. Lucky me.  For the changes that I have made have opened my eyes to a new world, a new life. For it are the experiences that are priceless, not anything that we can buy or sell.

I can count on my finger the chances that I have taken in the past because I never took them. I never stuck my head out of the shell to see what the world has to offer. And that’s a crying shame.

I’ve forgiven those who have thought that I have hurt them and hurt me back. I can’t wait to visit Stacy when she is back in Phoenix. We have put aside our differences and tried to work out a friendship that at one time was so damaged we couldn’t even mention the others name without the venom of hate corrupting our soul.

I’ve pardoned those who have sinned, lied and cheated against me. You will not have my trust anymore, but my sympathy. For your lost soul will continue haunting this earth long after your mortal body leaves it.

I’ve continued to understand those who have seen that their lives have changed beyond their control and accepted the differences of them. For I see not only who they are, but who they were.

I had a special moment in the car driving from the lake house to Gary’s house in Oklahoma City. Three divorced men sitting in the car, talking about things that make them weak, make them strong and how wonderful the people they have surrounded themselves have been.

And that moment will be a part of my heart. As the moment, I had to pull a friend away from a game, to tell him I had to leave because I couldn’t breathe. So frustrated I was, because of all the things going on in my head, that I didn’t want to spoil his day.

I used to cause fights with my dad and mom when I had to leave for Texas Tech after a visit so I could just go away. I hate saying goodbye. It’s the one thing I will never do.

It is until we meet again, tomorrow, the next day or in the arms of the Big Guy.

My heart is aching tonight, not because of the experiences that I missed by leaving earlier than I planned, for it worked out better for me. I got laundry done, work stuff prepared and I will rest more than I usually do before I go into work. Nay, my heart aches for my family, who mourns once again my sister’s absence from this earth. I mourn too, knowing that mom but yellow roses on her grave from her big brother.

As the grey clouds continue to circle my heart, I hope to find the sunshine that will continue to shine upon me.

Then the phone rings…

“Daddy, it’s me Shelby, can we talk?”

Can you feel the sunshine my friends?

Dad knew about the trip.

Mom thought I canceled.

Not a single tragedy at all.

I talked some poker strategy and what I needed to accomplish to make the Okie-Vegas trip a success.

My goals are set.

I probably will play a little poker to get the rough spots off and NO Riggstad I won’t play high limit omahadraw anymore.

Time to play back where and how it got me to increase the bankroll 100%.

Tight, ABC Poker.

A trip report will be due once I return from Okie Vegas.

Also I talked to Reid (Webmaster Extraordinaire) and we will start the move to a wordpress platform soon.

We may have some OOPS on the way.

But thought you’d like to know!

He has taught me to be strong, especially when I am weak,
to act strong when I am strong.

He has taught me to love unconditionally my children and family.

He has taught me to work hard, never ask for anything and expect nothing.

He has taught me to be the man I am today.

And I am very pleased that he is, has, and will be in my life.

I know we don’t talk much, especially since you don’t talk much on the phone.

But I Love You!!!

Thanks for being my Dad!

Your son,

Sean

Where  finished 2nd to Icrushbloggers.

Well I KNOW WHO YOU ARE ICRUSHBLOGGERS!!

Or should I call you HOY!

18 players 1-18 shot of a world series of poker seat.  I’m hungry and I want to win.

Today I was able to get 18 holes of golf in for a charity golf tourney.  We finished 2 under and the winners (cheaters) finshed at 16 under.  Which is very surprising as weird the weather was.  I’m working on some things for work and then sleep.

The big boss is coming tomorrow.

Hopefully everything will just be fine.

All my best to KngofKngs aka Sed the Icon, whose mom was taken ill.  My prayers for a quick and speedy recovery are out to her.

Today my daughter called me and said the cutest thing.

“Daddy, you know Sunday is Father’s Day.”

“Yes Shelby, Sunday is Father’s Day.”

“I’ve got an idea Daddy.”

“What is it princess?”

“How about you buy a plane ticket and fly up here and see us because you are our daddy  and we don’t want you to spend Father’s Day all alone.”

My heart broke and a tear fell.

“Let me see what I can do Shelby.”

“I just want to give you your Father’s Day present daddy.”

I know I can’t afford to do so for Round Trip at this late juncture is between $900-1130. With the remotes that I can’t miss and the late notice, It just doesn’t work.  BUT how do I tell my daughter no.

I just said, “I don’t think I can, but I will look at flights.”

My heart broke tonight. And I know her heart will be broken Sunday.

But I still love her.

Ryan told me today how he has a BEST friend, named John.  He’s “big and he hits homeruns when we play baseball.”  Shelby tells me that he has a girlfriend. But Ryan won’t admit it.  Shelby has a boy that she “likes but I don’t think he likes me daddy.”

She’s nine and already going through teen dating drama. I knew she was advanced but SHEESH!

I’m getting focused. Nothing will disturb my “zen focus” as my traffic manager says.

Time to bring it home.

By the time we talk next, it will be done. Hopefully it works out for me.