As yet another day starts in the Hill Country I sat on the porch watching the mist start to come over the trees to the east. The smells of coffee and cholesterol wafted in from the kitchen.
“You want any,” my wife asked?
“Nah, I’m plenty good enough just watching the dogs run chasing the shadows in the forest.”
“I’m starting to burn the bacon,” she said as she closed the window to keep the burning smell inside.
(Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppp) sounded the smoke alarm as I walked into the house into a smoke filled kitchen.
“You need help dear?”
“Nah, just trying to make it crispy.”
“There’s a shock. You think the smoke alarm is going to wake the neighbors?”
“Nah, they are along the banks fishing this morning.”
“Happy Mother’s Day darling”
“Yup, it’s Mother’s Day”
The door started to get scratched up and I wandered over, taking a sip of my coffee as I opened the door to let the two most ferocious dauschounds who barked and whined until I reached down and petted them.
“Don’t be given them any treats,” my wife said as I was reaching them down to hand them both a piece of bacon.
“I’ve got no idea what you are talking about,” as one of the dogs trotted by with a piece of meat in his mouth.
Her glare spoke volumes and I just reached down to open the paper trying to find people I didn’t like in the obituaries. Seeing none and not caring about the sports scores, I closed it and headed outside to enjoy yet another peaceful day before it got hot.
Nothing worse, than heat and humidity in the Hill Country.
I should call mom and tell her Happy Mother’s Day.
I think she knows…
Happy Mother’s Day Mom I thought as I relax on the porch until the sun goes down.
Scotty liked the way he felt when he was in the air. There was nothing than can defeat him when he was on his bike. He did most of his thinking while flying in the air. Most people concentrated or focused on the landing, or the technique. Scotty just focused on the freedom.
“Why do I jump? Because there is something that I can touch that no one else can. I can feel the sky as I jump every time. I hate the concept of the ground, but I’ve got to touch the sky every now and then. Jim can fly his jets till he turns blue in the face, but he never touches the sky.”
I could never jump a bike, my fear of heights would capture my desire to touch the sky.
But there was that one day…
I was 11 and had the greatest BMX bike ever (Okay maybe it wasn’t the greatest, but it was mine) , a solid red Schwinn that my Uncle Al gave to me. And I know I wasn’t Evil Knievel because instead of jumping Snake River, or a Las Vegas monument, I was just jumping the ramp that my brother and I had put across a small stream.
We put the ramp where we could ride as fast as we could down the two blocks of street , making the small turn down the dirt road and then down the small hill to the ramp.
It was the last day of summer and I hadn’t landed the jump yet.
I had tried every day that summer and whether I was short, or didn’t even make the ramp, I just wanted to make this jump before school started. Everyone in the 5th grade knew I was going to try the jump and I had the pressure of trying to make it or be known as a failure for the entire year.
So my best friend Scotty was there and told me “no matter what happens, just do your best and don’t forget to touch the sky.”
So I put on my best Dungarees and my favorite t-shirt on and headed down the three blocks to the staging area.
As I rode up my stomach fell.
Cause it wasn’t Jimmy or Scotty there.
It was the entire 5th grade.
“You can do it Donnie” said a guy who I thought tried to stuff me into my locker last year.
“I’ll kiss you if you make it D,” Joanna said to me.
And all I could think of was Scotty’s words as I started to pedal, and circled the path.
Touch the sky, touch the sky…
and I started my run, pedaling faster and faster as I hit the turn and down the dirt hill I pedalled.
The kids were just blurs as I past each of them, I could see the ramp and hit it going faster than I thought possible.
And I was flying. It was just like Scotty said. It was amazing, I could taste it.
I landed the jump , and as my hands were in the air celebrating my landing I hit a pebble.
And I flipped in the air again, but this time with a bike on top of me landing with an awkward thud.
Something was broken in my arm. Yup, definitely broken.
We all travel a road where we try to get somewhere. We have plans, ideas, looking for the right exit.
But sometimes, the right play is to keep driving, sleep when you are tired and eat when you are hungry, until you get to the destination you wanted to get to in the first place.
But there are no turn around lanes on this highway, just a lonely road of twists and turns that anger, confuse and sometimes sadden us.
But the road continues on and we have to travel to places where we intend to go even if the path is long and winding.
The last month or so, I’ve seen my friends come close, my acquaintances move further away and the people who would back my plays actually back my plays.
And it feels good.
Yesterday the boss called me up out of nowhere to tell me that I had been doing an exceptional job on the project that I was working on.
Did he have to? No.
Did it make me want to drive further on the road, probably.
Because the road is whatever you want it to be, your career, family or your play at the tables. You have choices and sometimes you get lost making the left turn at Albuquerque.
But you never lose by taking the trip. Sometimes the best trips are down to the store where you learn something just by watching someone.
This evening I had a moment like that. It started at a mirror at a retailer. I passed by the mirror and looked at my face. Not at the person, but at the face. And in some cases, I didn’t recognize who I was. I saw the body, but not the soul. But I saw the maturity and the gray hair that had accompanied my receding hairline.
I’m not 40 and I look like this.
But as I’m trying this year to look at the gold and not the just the wood slivers in my soul, I saw a man.
A man pushing a cart down the aisle. His hair was mussed and he smelled of urine. He was obese and looked like his life was challenged enough in the first place.
He had a box of cereal, and a spoon in his cart and he paid with pennies and change, refusing all help from the checker and myself.
“This is the road I’ve chosen and I’ll go as I please,” he said as he was escorted from the store.
The man was happy in what he had, and I couldn’t understand that.
Why would he be happy as miserable as he looked and probably was? Where did he live and what did he do?
But as I ran out of the store to look for the man in the snow and the ice, he had disappeared.
Was he there in the first place I thought as I slugged the groceries to the car?
But I realized that the road I was on wasn’t one that made me happy at all.
Anthony looked at the end of the bed. As he stared as his cold bare feet he knew that his live-in maid/ on and off girlfriend had somehow screwed with the blanket.
It isn’t easy being 6′ 10 and he usually can’t have a bed with a foot board at the end. Some hotels (especially Lisbon) he would find himself hanging off the bed. But then again, this is his story…
…
“Honey, don’t you understand I don’t ask for much from you,” she started.
“Expected what which time dear,” I asked wishing that I could find the aspirin. My head was hurting and I took one of those headache powders. I could down these damn things like they were my ex to white powder.
“Tony, don’t you understand, all I need you to do is fold up your socks, kill the roaches and any bugs I see and clean the windows. You know I NEVER do the windows.” (more…)
When I was intensely intent on winning, I overthought things and didn’t have the results that I wanted.
However I played my best when I was just playing for fun of it.
Sometimes you have to just have to relax and just play to play.
I think that all the success I’ve had lately are due to the success of me just playing for fun.
I’ve had a project that I’ve been working on and off the last couple of months. When I tried to sit down and write , working on rewrite after rewrite, nothing came out.
But when I sat down to just write, everything came out nicely.
Now I just have to find a buyer for my project.
Step 2.
FYI, I didn’t have time today to make the visit to the person that I wanted to see, but I’ll let the cat out of the bag.
I’m considering going back to any school that will take me so I can get a piece of paper that means I have a piece of paper.
It’s about time for me to have a piece of paper like, Joanna’s that sits on a chest of drawers staring at me saying “DO IT!”
John was a hearty boy. He filled out his bib overalls and had a little top over the sides. He loved to eat. Every morning , before the sun would rise, John would start with a stack of flapjacks, three eggs, a pound of bacon, a plate of hash browns and a bowl of grits.
Which would satisfy him till noon.
As he normally got finished with his chores he headed into town for his second breakfast at the Cracked Egg Diner.
As he walked in the door the cry went out.
“Maurice, kill a whole pig, lathering em up with sauce and kill 6 baby chickens while you’re at it.”
“Hello Doreen,” he would reply to the woman of his dreams as he sat at the counter.
She would look back at him with her red hair, bloodshot eyes and a body that ten years ago won her beauty pagents. Now, she was divorced, squirting out two kids that she worked two jobs to support.
“Hello, John anything but the usual?”
“No Mamm not at all,” he said as she brought forth two glasses of whole milk. He downed one while glaring down her dress. The “uniform” was not really uniform and no matter how many times she washed that red and white tablecloth looking dress, she could never get the stains out.
“So how’s the crop looking this year” she said while making small talk?
“Well daddy says as long as we gets the rain we need without the hail we’ll be smiling at the end of the year. But as long as that damned run for the hills Ron don’t be calling up no ‘naders.”
‘Amen to that,’ a couple of men around the bar echoed. ‘We don’t need no hail or ‘naders.
As Doreen went back into the kitchen to pick up some orders a couple of the old men sipping coffee at the front of the diner looked around and then motioned to John.
“When are you going to ask her out John?”
John blushed crimson and put his head down where his third chin hit his chest. He said nothing.
Doreen walked through the doors from the kitchen bringing the pound of bacon and six eggs with gravy on top.
“You eat up hearty son,” she said as she slid another glass of milk in front of him.
“Yes M’amm I will,” John said as he started shovelling down the food.
“And you two busybodies, get back to drinking your coffee. Mind your own beeswax,” Doreen said as she started cleaning the counter that was clean only minutes ago.
As she started to wipe the counter down in a circular path John’s eye glanced at hers for a moment. A small smile crept out of the right side of her mouth.
He looked at her as her lean over the counter was more deliberate, more sensual. He was given a glimpse of what the Lord had given her
And John started to turn red and he collapsed to the floor.
Doreen screamed and Blake came out of the back starting CPR. Doreen kept screaming as the ambulance came up and followed with John in the vehicle.
I’ve been thinking alot…and I’ve made some mistakes in the past.
And I admit it.
I’ve had some fun, and I admit it.
But the concept of what I am now needs to change.
Some factors of who I am , I enjoy and I will try my best to maintain.
But today , I let the darker side out and just didn’t like what I saw.
I’ve decided that it is almost time for me to get a new puppy.
Not yet, but close.
…
As for Radiothon preparations, I am nowhere where I NEED to be, but this weekend I’ll get there.
I’ve been putting things off, but I’ll get there.
I’ve been lucky to have a good woman who is by me supporting me, encouraging me.
And because of her I’ll get there.
…
I’ve let myself down by trying to make excuses, but I’ve been wrong. I’ve had my personal defcon set to 4 for too long. I’ve let people in my life that have hurt me and have taken advantage of my willingness to help. They’ve taken something I’ve loved and destroyed it. So I’m going to work on this project after I get back from Ireland.
Hopefully when I return, I will have found the will to take back The Castle and finally get it on track to publishing it.
I’ve got to thank my family, Joanna, Rich, Jim, Dusty, and the people who’ve had my back.
…
But since I’m making progress on losing weight, seeing a number on the scale that I haven’t seen since before I got divorced, I’m going to keep going, keep pushing myself.
I know I’m hard on myself, but I have great hopes, dreams and wishes.
That will all come true.
…
I talked to my life coach today and he made recommendations, some will come easy, some will be hard to achieve. But every little goal I’ve set, I’ve made.
Now it’s time to stop hiding and make those goals that I can only dream of achieving.
…
Every day I talk to Shelby I realize that she is no longer my little girl, the one I palmed in my hand, the one I gave baths in the kitchen sink. She’s a tween, and asking me questions that I am not qualified to answer and I feel uncomfortable thinking about.
But I miss her.
When Ryan wants to talk to me, which is still few and far between, as he is momma’s boy, he is a motormouth, he just jabbers away. Then there are other times where he is quiet and withdrawn, with one word answers and crying.
I miss him.
But I am approaching the hardest decision of my life…
and I’m so confused.
I wish I could tell you about what it is about, but I know that the blog is monitored and I just can’t sacrifice my privacy for your input.
…
3 weeks from Ireland and Mom sent me 4 new polo shirts so I “have clean nice things for the trip”. You can watch a boy become a man, but to a mother, he will always be a boy.
I’m scared and yet excited, I check my passport every day. It amazes me that I’ve gone 38 years without even sniffing leaving the USA but now with the passport I think of reasons every day to leave.
I could go visit my friends Mark and Chris in Canada. I could see the city of London, Rome, I’ll pass on Paris for now.
Well tonight Jo and I went to see Brian Regan at the Civic Center.
Funny guy but was more impressed with the opening act Kermit Apio!
Jo and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings cause I was craving buffalo wings and I’ve been good on my diet that I started after the surgery.
We came home and watched the new Burn Notice and decided that Saturday we’d clean the garage and I’d spend 3 hours doing nothing but writing.
I miss writing, but I have been working on some projects and spending more time thinking and writing stuff that I don’t want anyone to read.
The sites on my stomach are getting better I just need to give them more time. I heal fast, but I’m so damn impatient.
Still waiting for my “revised” passport to show up. Still surprised when I sent a New York birth certificate that they would put Lubbock, TX as my birthplace. Hell, I love this place but sheesh.
Hoping my friends are doing well. I’ve been lurking around, busy at work, my busy time of year preparing for my major event. Then I get to go to Ireland.
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