Sometimes life just stands still…

There are moments that you wish you could change.

I’ve had those moments in my life in the past.

I’ve made bad choices, been too impulsive, lied to myself to make me feel that I wasn’t getting used.

But sometimes the only way that life can move on if you chip through the frozen cube that you have been given.

There are places when you have to make choices that you don’t like.

But in the end, I’ve made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

Thank goodness I have the love of my wife, family and special friends.

For those of you who don’t understand it’s because I can’t say what I need to say. I don’t have the release that I used to.

I’ve been trapped in a frozen world of my own choosing.

And I have to find the ice pick and start chipping.

The people who had proven not to be my friends have been weeded from my life.

And the best part of it, I really don’t miss them.

The migraine that I’ve suffered all day with hasn’t gone away yet.

And I don’t anticipate it going away until the stress I’ve been under goes away.

But tonight I had a great time watching TV, holding my wife, and attempting to find a way through the ice.

My prayers are still with my friends ,the Schoonvelt family, and my great friend Kerri.  Keep smiling my dear, everything will work out in the end.

My wife has been so wonderful these last couple of days and I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. Joanna, you make me smile, even when it hurts. I love you!

I’m going to try and play some live poker on Wednesday because what’s been going on online is not poker, just a game of outdraw.

Family Update:

Mom & Dad are back home from their cruise and I’m glad to have them back onshore.

The kids are great and I can’t wait to see how they have changed when I get to see them soon.

As for everything else…

It’s just life.

This was the first weekend in a long while that I didn’t have multiple remotes for work and major projects to have me complicated in a long time.

I had a busy Friday night working until Midnight and had a noon remote at Hooters where I got pretty well sunburned at the Hooters/Air Force car wash.

But then I was meh.

I came home yesterday and did all my laundry and started to move things around so this morning I could take up the rest of the carpet that was going to disappear into a dumpster.

I wanted to go see a movie or do something, but everyone I tried calling was busy or not answering. So I went to see my friend Corye at the mall. We yakked and had a laugh then I headed home.

I spent the rest of the evening playing cards and reading the end of my new favorite book. I crashed at Midnight which again was weird for me.

I woke up at ten this morning and started ripping up the last of the carpet, bagging it up and throwing it in the dumpster. YEAH!  After sweeping the room and taking a shower I headed off for a trip.  I drove around looking for something to interest me. I made the same calls and hearing from no one, I headed to the house where I did some light organizing of my room and started to think about all the books that I have that I don’t use.

Probably going to have the streets largest garage sale or put them up on Amazon or Ebay.  Right now they are taking space that I don’t have until I can get some real bookshelf’s made.

I played more poker, winning on Bodog and losing on Full Tilt, but the day was really blah.

Then I went up to work and got a lot of stuff done so I can finish up a couple of projects tomorrow.

Back to straightening stuff and throwing stuff away.

Mom would be so proud.

I have to be blessed with the coolest, sweetest friends.

They just live way far away from me.

But I’m about ready to meet two of them for lunch here in the Hub. I can almost always count on Dalby for anything.

***Pagerank Smagerank***

My PageRank according to my friends have gone down on Google, but I’ve pretty well have written off
Google as well as Internet Explorer. My browser of choice is now and probably forever will be Firefox. I listened to my SEO advisor and see what that got me. I’m probably going to take down soem of the superflorous ads and just never look at IE again.

Life blog down from a 5 to a 3. Poker Blog from a 4 to a 3. Hmm. Fuck em and feed em fishsticks.

***Continuing of life changes***

Mom is coming in to inspect the damage that I have done and approve tile selection. I tried to get Dad up here so we can do some painting, but he is “busy working on projects”. His loss. Mom and I will go out to eat on him!

We’re going to meet my friend Jeff Krueger from Carpet Solutions and he going to help us get tile at a reasonable rate. I really don’t care about what it looks like except no burnt orange or maroon. Those are automatic vetos.

***Writing ***
I’ve been writing offline just jotting down ideas and concepts for new books and short stories. I’ve found my best stories come from sitting and just watching the world around me. Damon and I saw a fight of a boyfriend and girlfriend out in the parking lot of the Cotton Patch Cafe and without a beat I just started to tell Damon what they were saying even though we were across the street inside Chick-Fil-A. It’s just something I do. Sometimes it works, sometimes in the words of Surflexus… I’ve got nothing. BUt Pushmonkey72 has sent me some books to help my character development process along.

***McG better watch out***
Last night I worked with some software to put some of the photos and movies I took from Okie-Vegas and The 2008 Ferlin Husky Memorial Drinking Festival together. Still working on just making it look good. Nothing to note as of yet, but it is good to try and develop skills and talents I’ve never tried before.

*** A special note to Bam-Bam ***
1. Because you live in Canada.
2. Your heart is always in the right place.
3. Because you’ve found the true love in your life and you spoil her.
4. You never give up.
5. Just Because.

Thanks

***On the movie kick***
I’ve seen Hancock, Hellboy, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Batman in the last two weeks. I go through these kicks where I just want to sit and watch movies and be told a story. Then I’m off to not watch a movie for 10 months. Weird huh?

***Kids***
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is too late to move to Indiana to be “Daddoo” in the sense that the kids have grown past certain things. However I’ve come to the conclusion that I will be changing the things that we do when I go and see them or when they see me. Thus more science museums for Shelby (who can’t get enough science) and more parks and baseball games for Ryan. Also I am going to work and find ways to get Shelby to come see me and give her some one on one time with Daddy with Ryan starting when he can fly by himself.

***Misc***
Finances Have been tight lately as I finally paid off another bill and I am investing into paying off the house.
I’ve been reading an Andrew Tobias book before I goto sleep at night and I see the mistakes I have made in the past.

I’m trying to improve myself and my surroundings. Thus I am going on a kick of pruning my possessions. If I haven’t used it in six months or have no desire to give it to the kids will be either sold, donated or thrown away.

***Final Thoughts***

I’m changing, and it is slow. But I see the mistakes I have made and I see that some of the five things that my friend told me are true. I just have to make the changes to fix what I can. I’m opening up in some areas while shutting others down.

Before I took care of others before me because I thought that in the end I would be taken care of by others. That was a mistake on my part. Now I take care of myself first in the pursuit of helping others. That way we are BOTH covered.

Lunch with friends, working out tonight trying to bike another 10 miles on my way to biking a marathon.

sd

I made a stealth trip to Ft. Worth to see my mom and dad.

Dad knew about the trip.

Mom thought I canceled.

Not a single tragedy at all.

I talked some poker strategy and what I needed to accomplish to make the Okie-Vegas trip a success.

My goals are set.

I probably will play a little poker to get the rough spots off and NO Riggstad I won’t play high limit omahadraw anymore.

Time to play back where and how it got me to increase the bankroll 100%.

Tight, ABC Poker.

A trip report will be due once I return from Okie Vegas.

Also I talked to Reid (Webmaster Extraordinaire) and we will start the move to a wordpress platform soon.

We may have some OOPS on the way.

But thought you’d like to know!

This weekend was a eye opening experience for me.  I found out which people have kept me on speed dial for money, for tickets and to just be there for me.  I found the best of who my friends are and I found the worst of friends.

I’ve been waiting for certain things to happen in my life and they are going very, very slow. 

I’ve not been a patient person, but have rediscovered my patience recently.

There are certain things that I see that disturb me and yet I knew that they would happen. You see in every organization, every country and every culture there is a point where the weak fall away and the strong survive.  In the groups that I have been associated with, the strong have thrived while the weak fall away never to be seen again.  We should just move on and not dwell on the past.  We should remember the past so we aren’t the one that is buried along with old hatred and old prejudices.  I’ve seen the people who I think are weak and who have threatened me and my life have been pruned by the karma of life.  Their evil deeds have caught up with them.

A person, that I don’t call a friend but someone I know, asked me for money to cover a major mistake that he made. I quietly said no.  It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I wanted to help him out because that’s who I am.  But I’ve helped before and I recognized that the pittance that he was asking for would not stop him from his abuse.  I asked him to get help, I begged him to go back to his family and start over.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  I saw him this weekend and the shell of a man that is left is something that I can not help.  It is beyond repair. 

I’m the fixer. But there are some things that are beyond repair.

I put his number on the “Don’t Answer unless you want to deal with tragedy” list. Yes there is a list, almost as bad as the list of people who I don’t even put their name on my phone anymore.

I’ve discovered that the things I put aside when I was in college are things that I enjoy doing as well as radio. I’m going to do more reading in the finance area and try to make a sample portfolio when I get back from Okie-Vegas.

Yup, I am still going to Okie-Vegas, because I need to not only catch up with some good friends but explore more of me during the ride up.  I think the greatest thing in the world is speech recognition software and a bluetooth headset.  For if I feel like it, I can continue writing on the book as I am driving. I can get my thoughts out and down on paper.

I’ve also talked late into the night with friends who call just to tell me that they are thinking about me. It feels good to be remembered.

I’ve been hiding from the usual clicks that I used to be out with, for I need to be me and not their comedic sidekick. 

I’ve always continue to examine and re-examine my life.  To some its redundant, to me it’s healthy.  I am trying not to make the same mistake twice and advance my thinking to at least 7 levels deep.  In some events I am barely one level deep. But in other events, I consider the changes I have made to be powerful and amazing.

Okie-Vegas is almost here and I just can’t wait. It will fill all the needs that I have.  I have had a hole in my heart. Maybe visiting the family and then the crew at Okie-Vegas will fill those needs.  I’ve never been out on a lake other than in a small fishing boat with my ex-father-in-law. 

The big boss is back in town and he’s making me laugh.  Also my boss has me laughing due to the concept that he tought that I would be off today, even though I wasn’t supposed to take a day off near a holiday “Can’t have you being a cancer to the organization.”

Now I won’t be posting every day to this blog. It’s not meant to be a daily discussion of my life, like my previous attempt was.  This will be an examination of who I am and the changes that I make to making myself a better person.  I’m taking more chances, doing things that I would never have done before and they are all paying off in spades.

In working at the track this year I found out who were using me for who I am and who wanted to truly be my friend.  The concept of waiting to find someone to find me is over. I gave it a chance and it just doesn’t work for me.  I’m going to put myself out there and see what happens.  I am a nice guy and I will find someone who doesn’t want me just for sex, for what I can get them or for anything else than who I am in my heart. Right now my heart is broke and hurting.

Because this fourth of July was the first that I didn’t have the kids.  It was very saddening for me.  I wanted so bad to hold them once again, but it wasn’t going to happen.  I tried calling someone about Shelby but as always, I didn’t get a call back.  I stayed out late at night, just watching the fireworks and looking at the sky, looking for the shooting star that I could wish on, for that chance at redemption.  We all look for redemption, we look for people to have and give us value.  I just look forward to the future of my kids.

Shelby is growing so much and I can see the sparkle in her voice when we talk, however Ryan is like his grandfather who avoids the phone at all costs. I will see them soon, even if its just in December.  Time has a new meaning to me.  I can examine time as a precious gift or I can examine it as something that ,like many things in this world, is wasted.  I hope not to waste any more of my life.  I have things to do, goals to achieve, life to live.

Special Thanks to The Wife, GCox and Surflexus for their holiday calls and wishes.  I wish I was more talkative but I am looking around for the bear traps that aren’t in the stock market.

This weekend I made removals and additions in my soul.  The dead parts were let go, to be free and to die on their own and the ones who power me, the parts that are the strength of me will flourish.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Another Iraq Visitor…

Please go by and give your best wishes to Special K.  He is over working on databases and secretly hunting down insurgents on his trusty transportation.  But beware of sealage.

The Double Deuce…

The Air Conditioner is out in my studio.  It’s hotter than hell outside BUT at least it is colder than the artic in my office.  So I’m working on trying to funnel cold air from my office to the studio. Ok… can’t be done, but it was fun to do. SO I give the Double Deuce to those who deserve it who can’t get it fixed.

Okie Vegas…

There is nothing hotter, not even Wafflecerin, that can compare to the heat that will be Okie Vegas.  There will be jet ski action, Skidoo falling asleep once again in the recliner and the dragging of the occasional pot.  Because of work commitments this will be my ONLY foray into the Poker Blogosphere this year unless “circumstances” with a project changes my situation.

Project V …

is currently on hold on advice from my financial advisor.  After talking to her about the opportunities that I have she would like me to try and finish working on Project X (The Castle) and Project Y (Which is the worst kept secret in the blogosphere )

No Hail…

Last night there was a bunch of good rain and I am sure I bored the snot out of my friends I was talking to on Teamspeak because I had to cut on the radio to talk about severe weather. But at least Kat said to me that she was sure glad that she felt safe because I was cover weather in Lubbock and she wasn’t having the weather.

Workout…

I tweaked a muscle when I worked out last Thursday and I let it heal, but today I will be back at the gym getting ready to find a way to elminate 14.5 pounds that have been holding on for their life.  I am excited because since my waist has gone down at least from a 42 to a 38 and probably smaller.  However I am NOT looking at the Tale of the Tape until I get rid of these damn pounds.

KORS!

I won a token last night that I intend to use on the Monthly Championship qualifier for:

Congratulations to Poker Enthusiast and the entire Brickinthenutz team for creating a series that I am beyond excited at.  You need to join in the daily token tourneys… I entered three now to watch them ALL get voided. Don’t let the RD’s (Razz Donks) down.  Hell, maybe we can get Sirfwalgman to come out of Razz Retirement.

The Kids… 

This fourth of July week will be the hardest for me than ever since this will be the first fourth I won’t be with the kids.  It will be very bittersweet.  I can see the future and being closer to them, but each day passes and I wonder if it was really meant to be.  Hopefully Shelby and Ryan can miss one more holiday with out their Daddoo.

Firefox 3…

It’s official, I love Firefox 3.  With the spell checkers INBEDDED in the browser, I have officially chunked IE.  IE7 blows almost as much as Vista does, but nothing can suck that much.  But this is from a man who was still running Windows 2000 instead of XP because I thought XP was a better paper weight than an OS.  I’m still getting used to Vista’s grumpiness, like disappearing hardware, finding my cable modem and then realizing , um your cable modem doesn’t work.  Then it works again.  But enough about Vistas suckiness and back to Firefox 3.  I originally downloaded it to compare the way the way my personal and work webpages load up.  The more I played with it the more I liked it.  It’s official… FIREFOX3 rules (This is NOT a paid segment)

Last nights rain…

I turned off the AC last night and opened up the windows.  Most times I am too busy to just listen to it rain.  But as soon as it turned from being severe, it was amazing to hear the individual drops hit the puddles of water.

I woke up listening to birds, crickets and I could feel the sunshine warm me and kick my heart in gear.

Time to go kick some ass! Have a GREAT DAY!

Today I saw into my soul, deep where love and hate fight.  I saw anger and envy, joy and happiness all together.

They looked at me and paused.

“What’s HE doing here?”

“Self examination,” wisdom said.

“Why would he need to examine us?  Are we getting fired,” Panicked and Worried chimed in.

“No, it is that time,” came from a voice from the darkened corner.

“Why are you here Sean, don’t you have more important things to worry about” yelled Anger.

I said nothing and yet looked around.  How parts of my psyche were hidden in corners, especially those I thought were my strengths, with all my weaknesses in the light, controlling me, surrounding me, taunting me…

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Lets put it this way, finishing 6th place should make me feel good, but
it doesn’t. I hate 6th place. Its what I did a the APL National
Championships in 06 when I had a shot of a WSOP seat.

It gets so frustrating when I just didn’t get any cards at all.

I sent HH’s to Smokkee and after explaining two hands, he came back
with ‘Makes sense to me.” He didn’t get to Final Table hands but most
of them are logical.

It pains me to get so close again and come away empty handed.

But maybe this temporary disappointment is just a speed bump to success. I just have to wait my turn.

Because great things are coming. I just have to wait for them.

However I wish I could have reached the Brass ring. Better luck next time.

BIG Boss in town and I’m going to pick him up in 7 hours. Night all
I bubble (1 away from the $) and more fun..

http://www.donahue.org/archive/2008/05/embrace-serenity.html

Where  finished 2nd to Icrushbloggers.

Well I KNOW WHO YOU ARE ICRUSHBLOGGERS!!

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