I’ve always been good charging into battle. At work I’m known to act first and worry about the consequences later. It’s a strength and also a weakness. Sometimes it is better for me to be patient and I’ve added some limited patience to my repertoire. But I’ve tried to conquer something that maybe it isn’t meant to be conquered…
Yup, the original sin.
We all have it, we all deal with it daily. Fear of what our friends, neighbors or enemies think. Fear of those who are our mentors and those who may be there to take our jobs.
But what does fear gain?
All day today I’ve been dealing with a deep seeded fear because of tomorrow.
Cinco de Mayo. The 5th of May. Big deal huh? But a couple of years ago I said goodbye to my brother for the last time for he died on the 5th of May.
Do I weep his death? No, for we had closure, something that I can feel to the bottom of my soul.
But did I have anything to fear from his passing?
Maybe, I feared that one day he would leave this earth before me. But I didn’t fear that today. I feared the loss of someone I loved dearly.
Someone who is suffering and is slowly losing her memory and her mind. Someone quite close to me.
But as I stewed and paced this 4th day of May, I could see my late brothers face staring at me shaking his head no.
This isn’t something that I should bring up, nor dwell on.
For the fears that I have aren’t original, nor do they mean anything.
For I Live Brave.
I’ve been living brave with each day of my life since I’ve made changes letting the fear go.
Doing something that paid me nothing and yet gave me heartache, GONE!
Letting people who used my talent to get ahead and now watch them struggle without me. Wow, can’t believe I just said that one.
I could talk more about the people that have hurt me and I them, but WHY? It doesn’t change a damn thing. They don’t remember how they made me feel and they probably don’t care either .
I’m just letting things go and because of my actions I’m freer than I have ever been.
And it’s just a start.
I took over three truckloads of crap to Kerri’s house for a garage sale that if I get money for, good, if not, then good luck to the prison ministry that has my stuff.
I’m not afraid of the future. I’m terrified, but I walk each day knowing that the people who have held me back are the ones who won’t be advancing.
Joanna leaves for a family reunion tomorrow and it will be me and the dogs the next couple of days doing nothing. Maybe organizing and tossing more stuff. The key to knowing what to keep and what to throw… WHO CARES. Though I will miss her, I still won’t be afraid of what’s next in my life. I’ll be relishing in it.
For fear has no control of me, I have control of it.
That’s what I keep telling myself anyways.
For a man without fear walks a dangerous path. For one without fear is folly and a fool. One who has controlled fear controls his own destiny.