I need help. You my friends & readers can assist me.
Can you please explain why my wife leaving me & taking the kids 1100 miles away so my kids “don’t know me” is my fault?
Can you please explain how my 14 year old daughter can say words like “I love you, but since I’m here in Indiana & I never get to see you so I really don’t know you” hurts any less?
Can you please explain how having a career and a job that paid the bills was the wrong move?
Should I have dropped everything & moved to Indiana, knowing that I would be miserable?
Can you explain why it feels like I have no emotion left?
Can you tell me that my kids will always love me?
I know that being 14 and 11 that my kids are going through a roller coaster of hormones and feelings.
But I want my daughter & son back.
I want them laughing & fighting, arguing & teasing, smiling & sleeping. I want the good times , the bad times, everything.
Most of all I want them to call me Dad not their step dad Brandon.
I’ve lost the ability to speak. Not figuratively, but emotionally, mentally. I’m looking to make changes but spinning my wheels. So I took a 3 day weekend off of Facebook and I gleaned some clarity.
I’m not writing enough, I’m not challenging others as I should be challenging me.
I let everyone in, but I don’t have the freedom to say what I need to say. I don’t offend people and I try to be everyone’s friend.
How does that work out for me?
I’ve got things to do and I may tick people off.
But I have to do them for me.
It isn’t easy to say you care about people, but it is much different when you have to do what you speak, if you don’t believe it.
People like me. I’m intense, I get the job done and I may ruffle feathers, but I care about the final outcome.
If you need my help, ask me and I will be there. But you better damn well be there for me,or I’ll never help you ever again.
A former intern came to me asking for a recommendation. She asked for me to put my name, heart, and soul backing her for a position.
I didn’t.
She falsified documents and I was no wiser to it until a background check brought it up.
I could have kept quiet, let her move on with her life.
I didn’t.
Part of me feels terrible about my impact on her current job situation.
Most of me doesn’t give a shit. She lied, tried to get me to back her up.
My name is all I have and I refuse to let it be tarnished.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. This was hers. She lied, I called her out on it and she is now unemployed.
I destroyed her life, some of you may say. No, I didn’t. She did when she lied to me, lied to her teachers, lied to her employers and lies to this day.
I have no sympathy for her.
So while I have been struggling with sleeplessness I discovered that my voice is gone. I don’t have what I used to.
It’s my own damn fault.
I was trained wrongly and by unethical people but the responsibility to accept their teaching was my own.
Now that I know differently, I have to make changes that I KNOW will make a difference and make up for those mistakes that I have made.
Perfect am I? Hell no.
But perfectly satisfied to be better in whatever I choose to do.
That’s on me.
I almost gave up on one kid when it is my responsibility to kick him in the ass. So the asskicking starts this morning.
I’m going to continue to shuffle paper, but try and improve who I am and what I do daily.
I’m going to try and be a better man for my wife and kids.
I’m going to walk into my office with the same pride and joy that I do everyday, but find ways to do the things I love better.
I’m going to try and write more, do things with friends and visit my kids in Indiana.
I look to each day for the sun to rise so I might be fortunate enough to see it set.
A friend of mine has sent out a post talking about people who don’t seem to have a public filter.
This is my response:
What you put out into the world is what you are going to get back. Some people need help, they are begging for it and they don’t have a platform than the one that FB allows them to have.
Until my last breath comes from my mouth I will encourage, love and support, knowing that the love I send out is what I would like to come back to me.
Some people can’t digest the problems that the Lord may have given them. I have personally lost (as in no longer on this plane of existence) my mentor, 3 friends, a girl I used to date , a sister, a brother and other people I have known in the last 15 years of my life. When I went to the doctor to get medication he asked me what stress I had been under and I unloaded upon him, talking about my divorce and EVERYTHING.
“Sean, I am surprised to see you still walking,” the ER doc said as he prescribed me sleeping pills so I could rest without having the burden of my dead brother to trouble me. “I have seen people who have had less gone insane, but all you have wrong is not sleeping,” he asked me?
Everyone deals with stress and the way of problems differently.
I am here if people need me, but I damn well expect them to be there when I need them.
Those who aren’t when I need them after I have helped them, find the solace of my voicemail.
Sometimes being a friend is holding someone because they need help, and sometimes it’s jumping in the hole with them.
I am far from perfect and my life isn’t great. But I continue to positively look and help others, not expecting for anything in return.
I don’t put everything out there for the world to see. I have a locked twitter, locked tumblr and a locked wordpress blog where when I choose to speak something to get it off my chest, I do.
When I used to put everything out there, the world came knocking at my door, hating for the truths that I spoke. I was punished at my job and people I respected turned into people I can’t stand to this very day.
Now, I speak when I want to speak, reminding myself daily that what I send out into the world, I should expect returned to me 1000 times.
hope goes down the drain (Photo credit: freebeets)
Hope only goes down the drain if you shove it between the grates.
It may not always go my way, I might not understand the road I’m on, but I have to thank everyone who encourages me on the trip. I’m 13 days away from starting an emotional roller coaster that drains every ounce of energy in my body.
I haven’t secret tricks to play, I have nothing that hasn’t been done before by many other teams over the last 15 years. But as the leader of this trailblazing, ass kicking, God fearing, ever loving team of miracle workers even I fall to doubt.
It may be a millisecond that I let fear in my heart, but it is totally destroyed by the love of families that let me into their lives, doctors who share their previous stories and a hospital that has saved my life and the lives of countless others.
So I look to those who have my back now, 5 years ago, 10 years ago and 15 years ago on a ride that I am still on.
Thank you for your love, your support and your determination.
Years ago, I thought I knew what my path was intended to be.
I was wrong.
I wasn’t intended to be a big shot, nor a hero to others. I was merely a man, on a path that to this day confounds me.
I am still not what I want to be, but if you look back on the man I was 15 years ago and now, I have become the man I needed to be for others.
I am not a slave, but a servant.
I am not just a teacher but merely a guide.
I am not the man, but one he counts on.
I am not rich, but I am far from poor.
I don’t live the dream that my father wanted for me but the one that my father help me make.
I am a friend to all and I have never known a stranger.
I am someone that has a smile when you need one.
I am the one who really does care when I ask, “What’s wrong?”
And I have a mission on this Earth.
I won’t be used for others selfish reasons without allowing it.
I will call when you think you are all alone or the one you call when you need someone to listen.
I am ready for challenges, hopes, dreams, ambitions and with my heart open wide I look to you my friends to see what I can do for you. I’ve emptied my heart and my soul to you.
ou my friends & readers can assist me.
