Instant Sean

The hole… July 22, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : Instant Sean, Instant Tragedy, Life, My Family, What's on my mind , 5 comments

It’s hard to comprehend the insanity that was in my mind when I said that I could stand to live seeing my kids only three times a year.

I did it so the kids wouldn’t be passed between Angela and I like property. So they wouldn’t be dangling their love as a treasure for us.

But I am failing as a father. My daughter and son need me and I am 1044.85 miles away from them. What kind of man does that make me? I thought that made me a strong man, but recently and ever since my last disaster of a date, (note to self, even if she says she loves kids , dont pull out the pictures, remain cool), I’ve found a major hole in my heart.

I’m alone.

And my daughter is BEGGING me to have her come visit me cause she needs her daddoo.

So I’m going to work on either going to see them for a weekend or bring them down even though Ryan still won’t talk to me. Money is no object. I just need to feel like I am whole again.

Because I am far from whole.

I am hurting and listening to my daughter cry telling me how much she misses me breaks my heart even more.

I can’t write, I can’t think. All I do is remember the words of yesterday from my ex-wife “Your daughter needs you Sean.”

And thus the knife that I placed in a holster on my back was shoved in.

The things I want I have had to make sacrifices to get…

But my career, my house, my life as it is now… I would give away for one weekend with my kids. Maybe its time to move closer, end this chapter in my life. I am trying to figure out what I want, need and deserve.

But maybe all I deserve is to just think, and pick up the pieces, moving on.

Twitter Updates for 2008-07-21 July 21, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , add a comment

Got a lot accomplished on Sunday. Feel 20% better #
Almost done and out of the studio, bumper stickers are almost here and I can get to work. No bosses here today. I WIN! PEACE,pure PEACE YES! #
Ex-Wife called me… and I am needed. Time to dust off my Superdad cape. #

Protected: It was the call I’ve been waiting for and yet dreading…

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , Enter your password to view comments

Twitter Updates for 2008-07-20 July 20, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , add a comment

Sometimes you just have to know when to fold em , know when to walk away, know when to run. Time to hide #
Blogging “Off to write some, to read some and to just hide to think…” http://donahue.org/?p=1427 #

Off to write some, to read some and to just hide to think…

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , 3 comments

Nothing to worry about, nothing to see.

My eyes have been opened by looking for what I thought I needed.

But I just realized that there is only three things I need,

and two of them are 1085.44 miles away.

The other one thing, well I can't tell you that.

That's for you to find for yourself!

Twitter Updates for 2008-07-19 July 19, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , add a comment

is getting ready for the Ferlin Huskey Memorial Drinking Festival! #

WTF…

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , add a comment

That’s what I’ve been getting on the IM’s since I dropped my little bomb. I’m ok, nothing the matter with me. I just took out the garbage this morning with yet another person that I held in high esteem and they let me down.

That’s how I presented it. But that’s not 100% true. You see I let myself down by letting lesser people in Lubbock in my life. There I said it.

In my attempts to be with more than my IIF’s (Invisible Internet friends) I allowed people in my life that are lesser than I am. But that’s what I do, I try and pick people up, show them how to do things and move on with their lives.

But once again some moron decides to test the “friendship” by passing a LIE off as the truth.

That lie not only cost me a friend, but a chance of starting over.

It really doesn’t matter anymore. I trusted my heart and hope rather than reality and facts.

That was my mistake.

But it’s making it easier and easier to pull away.

I have so many things going for me. I have great friends like Gary Cox who sat back at the lake and enjoyed my host gift to him. He had the generousity to call me to let me know how much he enjoyed the gift. That meant alot to me.

But I also got called by someone back from my past who tried to get me to “help her” and when I wouldn’t she told one of our mutual friends a simple lie. AND now the so called friend and a mutual friend hate me.

GO AWAY. I don’t need people like you in my life. I would rather be in front of my computer alone, BEYOND alone, then to ever waste time with you. This is a NO DRAMA ZONE. Until August 1st, I decree that my life should not be confined with, or tainted with drama. BUT…

IN the middle of all this tragedy I did find one thing.

I reopened the Castle, at the urging of my friend Julius Goat aka A. I see the hole that I had previously been blind to before.

And now I write. With me working later today and then festival tonight, it will probably be tough to write a lot. But I see what I need to fix.

And I have a new goal.

L,L,L

Sean

Protected: The little people of the world… July 18, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : Instant Tragedy , Enter your password to view comments

Twitter Updates for 2008-07-17 July 17, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , add a comment

http://www.drhorrible.com is the bomb! Yup, you need to go see it now. Part 2 is NOW UP! The Status is not quo. #
Life is what you make of it. Got good news. Now trying to figure out what my next step is. And where my dreams will take me next! #

Its the experiences stupid!

Posted by Sean D in : Instant Happiness, Living life to the fullest , 1 comment so far

It starts out dark, nay, with a twinkle as you look. Then the rich purple, red and gold encompass the canvas radiating like it has never done before though it had the day before. It is a picture that is painted, taken and sometimes captured in a memory. The gloriousness of the Big Guy’s work that is done over and over again morning and evening twenty four hours a day, around a blue marble that rotates around a yellow sun. It is one of the simplest things that man can see.

(more…)

Go see Dr. Horrible NOW! July 16, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : What's on my mind , add a comment

The Okie-Vegas Six… July 15, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : Instant Happiness, Living life to the fullest , 1 comment so far

No I’m not talking about the six of us who stayed up talking to four in the morning and waking up at 8. I’m talking about the discipline I need to have in the future. (more…)

Grey clouds in my heart… July 13, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : Family, Friends, Instant Sean, Instant Tragedy, Life, My Family , 3 comments

That’s what I had last night/this morning as I left Oklahoma City and headed home.

Six hours of re-evaluation.

Where I am as a friend, who I am and what I need.

I needed something to do that didn’t think how my nose itched and my chest heaved. Until I hit the Texas state line and it started to pour. Then I kept my mind on just trying to stay on the road while its pouring cats and dogs.

I like driving for self examination. I look at the mistakes I have made and the choices I will make in the future.

I made one last chance with someone mean ever so much to me.

I gave her a last chance to see me who I am. And she told me that we would never be together ever again.

I was sad and I tried not to cry as I hung up the phone.

I pulled over and was thinking about the power of the 12th of July. It would have been my sisters 37th birthday. What would she have done? Would she have married Trent? Would she live in Bedford? Would she still become a pharmacist?

Those thought were heavy like the rain as I pulled back onto the road.

As I walked into the house and into her arms I knew I would never love her again. And it was sad.

The past is such a fickle thing. It gives you hope for the future and yet reminds you not to forget it or you’ll be doomed to repeat it.

She told me tonight that her next relationship would be not even with a male. Perhaps a female.

It didn’t matter what she said. All I heard was just not you.

We have a limited time on this earth and now I am not chasing, but grasping for experiences and those I would have never chased before. Last year, at this time, I took a gamble, which made me into such a better rounded person. I found new friends, new acquaintances and new people who hate me. Lucky me. For the changes that I have made have opened my eyes to a new world, a new life. For it are the experiences that are priceless, not anything that we can buy or sell.

I can count on my finger the chances that I have taken in the past because I never took them. I never stuck my head out of the shell to see what the world has to offer. And that’s a crying shame.

I’ve forgiven those who have thought that I have hurt them and hurt me back. I can’t wait to visit Stacy when she is back in Phoenix. We have put aside our differences and tried to work out a friendship that at one time was so damaged we couldn’t even mention the others name without the venom of hate corrupting our soul.

I’ve pardoned those who have sinned, lied and cheated against me. You will not have my trust anymore, but my sympathy. For your lost soul will continue haunting this earth long after your mortal body leaves it.

I’ve continued to understand those who have seen that their lives have changed beyond their control and accepted the differences of them. For I see not only who they are, but who they were.

I had a special moment in the car driving from the lake house to Gary’s house in Oklahoma City. Three divorced men sitting in the car, talking about things that make them weak, make them strong and how wonderful the people they have surrounded themselves have been.

And that moment will be a part of my heart. As the moment, I had to pull a friend away from a game, to tell him I had to leave because I couldn’t breathe. So frustrated I was, because of all the things going on in my head, that I didn’t want to spoil his day.

I used to cause fights with my dad and mom when I had to leave for Texas Tech after a visit so I could just go away. I hate saying goodbye. It’s the one thing I will never do.

It is until we meet again, tomorrow, the next day or in the arms of the Big Guy.

My heart is aching tonight, not because of the experiences that I missed by leaving earlier than I planned, for it worked out better for me. I got laundry done, work stuff prepared and I will rest more than I usually do before I go into work. Nay, my heart aches for my family, who mourns once again my sister’s absence from this earth. I mourn too, knowing that mom but yellow roses on her grave from her big brother.

As the grey clouds continue to circle my heart, I hope to find the sunshine that will continue to shine upon me.

Then the phone rings…

“Daddy, it’s me Shelby, can we talk?”

Can you feel the sunshine my friends?

Fabulous Okie-Vegas… July 12, 2008

Posted by Sean D in : Instant Happiness , 1 comment so far

I think the key to having a good time is sometimes to sit back and let things happen. In the best moments of my life I have let things just happen and not force things.

I have found out who my friends are, my good friends are and who I can reach up from a cliff and I know they will either pull me up or fall off with me.

And though I have missed Emily visiting Lubbock and the drunk Corey and Kym Possible…

I have found yet another version of happiness!