This is my strength. This is my soul. This was my brother.
Tonight as I tossed and turned in my sleep I remember why I wished Joanna was here tonight. I can never sleep the night before your birthday. I always remember how you once told me, “Stop letting the fuckers get you down.” I’ve shed a majority of the weak links in my life. You told me that you were proud of me because I went to St. Louis to play in that poker tournament. Even though I was disappointed even though I final tabled it, you were proud of me for nutting up and just going. You kept me honest, and was fair to me. Even though I think your good heart was taken advantage of, you still loved those who betrayed you. That’s why you will always have a place in my heart and that’s why I still give my heart to those who need it.
Though you are no longer on this earth, I feel you touch my heart and soul each day. I am here for a higher purpose and I hope you will guide me to it. It’s been six years. And it hasn’t been an easy six.
Joanna asks me about stories about us and I bring up the days where we both cried and we were both strong. We’d play golf in a dust storm just so we could spend time together. Many people have asked me why I have the tile in my bathroom & kitchen and if I would change it. I told them to fuck off and I mean it. Those were the last things we did together. Though I watched as you worked using the skills that you had learned. Then you came up to the radio station to watch me work. We were both in awe of each other. I remember when you got up on the desk to sign the ceiling tile surrounded by radio talent who had signed before. You didn’t understand the pride the ratings meant to me, but you wanted to leave your mark. You found a blank tile and signed it :
I Love You Brother – Patman
I still have that ceiling tile in my office and it will go home with me when I leave. Not because I need the ceiling tile but because it is a link to you.
I’ve been strong when I once was weak. I’ve cried when once I hid my feelings. Nothing ever changes but yet it did. I don’t mourn your death, I don’t mourn your loss. I mourn not hearing your voice. I mourn not playing golf with you. I mourn talking poker and drinking Irish Whisky with you. I mourn a lot of things. But I see stars shining and I know you are there.
There are days where I wish I could be next to you, telling stories and calling bullshit on you as you have done so for me. But I guess I have more work on this earth.
Today would have been your 39th birthday and I would have given you shit all day. I can still hear you say “I can still take you old man.”
I miss you Patrick. Happy Birthday Brother!
Your Big Brother,
Sometimes life just stands still…
There are moments that you wish you could change.
I’ve had those moments in my life in the past.
I’ve made bad choices, been too impulsive, lied to myself to make me feel that I wasn’t getting used.
But sometimes the only way that life can move on if you chip through the frozen cube that you have been given.
There are places when you have to make choices that you don’t like.
But in the end, I’ve made my bed and now I have to lay in it.
Thank goodness I have the love of my wife, family and special friends.
For those of you who don’t understand it’s because I can’t say what I need to say. I don’t have the release that I used to.
I’ve been trapped in a frozen world of my own choosing.
And I have to find the ice pick and start chipping.
The people who had proven not to be my friends have been weeded from my life.
And the best part of it, I really don’t miss them.
The migraine that I’ve suffered all day with hasn’t gone away yet.
And I don’t anticipate it going away until the stress I’ve been under goes away.
But tonight I had a great time watching TV, holding my wife, and attempting to find a way through the ice.
My prayers are still with my friends ,the Schoonvelt family, and my great friend Kerri. Keep smiling my dear, everything will work out in the end.
My wife has been so wonderful these last couple of days and I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. Joanna, you make me smile, even when it hurts. I love you!
I’m going to try and play some live poker on Wednesday because what’s been going on online is not poker, just a game of outdraw.
Mom & Dad are back home from their cruise and I’m glad to have them back onshore.
The kids are great and I can’t wait to see how they have changed when I get to see them soon.
As for everything else…
It’s just life.
I’ve been weeding my life lately. I’m someone that doesn’t let go of things easily. Recently I’ve been lucky to start letting things in my life , well just go like a dandelion in the wind.
Now in the past I’d be letting all the wonderful dandelions begat more dandelions, but it just isn’t happening now.
I’ve got too much to do and too much to see.
So I started today by paring down the Facebook friends list. Am I really friends with 500 people? No. I started by weeding that down to under 300. It may be weeded again soon.
If you didn’t talk to me in the past, or you added me because of some friend of a friend you probably didn’t see the notification of your weeding on FB.
You were just gone.
I’ve taken 2 truck loads of stuff over for a garage sale this weekend at my friend Kerri’s house.
What happens if they don’t get sold? The stuff gets donated to a prison ministry.
I don’t need stuff. I have stuff, lots of stuff.
But in reality, all the stuff is are weeds.
They don’t have deep roots, they can be eliminated with proper care , and in the end don’t have meaning for me.
The stuff that has emotional meaning is put up where it needs to be. The rest just found its way to places that aren’t my garage.
My heart isn’t into keeping things that don’t have meaning anymore.
And I’ve been making changes at home, work and everywhere.
Maybe when I’m finished weeding I’ll see the green grass. The big lawn picture that I need to see.
Or maybe, I’ll just have to start weeding again.
ERROR ! DOES NOT COMPUTE Now I admit last night I got very frustrated because I was working on an accounting issue for someone I love. However my English and her English were not meshing. Because she LEFT SOMETHING OUT! Now the logical part of me is going crazy because she doesn't give me all the facts. It was like this... "How does 2 +1 = 4? Because it doesn't!"
Yup, able to write for a bit. Let's see here, Joe came to the blogosphere, drank all the liquor, tried to taunt my deceased dog, and posted once. Coming up when you visit the blog: Joe's New Blog, Tech football and wedding thoughts as well as a bunch of others in this Uber (tm Iggy Inc).
This work by Sean A. Donahue is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.