Sometimes life just stands still…

There are moments that you wish you could change.

I’ve had those moments in my life in the past.

I’ve made bad choices, been too impulsive, lied to myself to make me feel that I wasn’t getting used.

But sometimes the only way that life can move on if you chip through the frozen cube that you have been given.

There are places when you have to make choices that you don’t like.

But in the end, I’ve made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

Thank goodness I have the love of my wife, family and special friends.

For those of you who don’t understand it’s because I can’t say what I need to say. I don’t have the release that I used to.

I’ve been trapped in a frozen world of my own choosing.

And I have to find the ice pick and start chipping.

The people who had proven not to be my friends have been weeded from my life.

And the best part of it, I really don’t miss them.

The migraine that I’ve suffered all day with hasn’t gone away yet.

And I don’t anticipate it going away until the stress I’ve been under goes away.

But tonight I had a great time watching TV, holding my wife, and attempting to find a way through the ice.

My prayers are still with my friends ,the Schoonvelt family, and my great friend Kerri.  Keep smiling my dear, everything will work out in the end.

My wife has been so wonderful these last couple of days and I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. Joanna, you make me smile, even when it hurts. I love you!

I’m going to try and play some live poker on Wednesday because what’s been going on online is not poker, just a game of outdraw.

Family Update:

Mom & Dad are back home from their cruise and I’m glad to have them back onshore.

The kids are great and I can’t wait to see how they have changed when I get to see them soon.

As for everything else…

It’s just life.

My lawn looks like a green and yellow patch of well, you know.

I’ve been weeding my life lately.  I’m someone that doesn’t let go of things easily. Recently I’ve been lucky to start letting things in my life , well just go like a dandelion in the wind.

Now in the past I’d be letting all the wonderful dandelions begat more dandelions, but it just isn’t happening now.

I’ve got too much to do and too much to see.

So I started today by paring down the Facebook friends list.  Am I really friends with 500 people? No. I started by weeding that down to under 300.  It may be weeded again soon.

If you didn’t talk to me in the past, or you added me because of some friend of a friend you probably didn’t see the notification of your weeding on FB.

You were just gone.

I’ve taken 2 truck loads of stuff over for a garage sale this weekend at my friend Kerri’s house.

What happens if they don’t get sold? The stuff gets donated to a prison ministry.

I don’t need stuff. I have stuff, lots of stuff.

But in reality, all the stuff is are weeds.

They don’t have deep roots, they can be eliminated with proper care , and in the end don’t have meaning for me.

The stuff that has emotional meaning is put up where it needs to be. The rest just found its way to places that aren’t my garage.

My heart isn’t into keeping things that don’t have meaning anymore.

And I’ve been making changes at home, work and everywhere.

Maybe when I’m finished weeding I’ll see the green grass.  The big lawn picture that I need to see.

Or maybe, I’ll just have to start weeding again.

Frustration and joy…

I found out that I have to be at work at 5A on Friday. Joy. I’m SOOOOOO Excited. Maybe I can get some shopping done before my shift at 9A.

When it rains it pours…

A week ago I didn’t think Joanna and I would have Thanksgiving plans.  Since I work at the aforementioned 5A on Black Friday, I would be unable to have Thanksgiving with either of our families in Hurst and Fredricksburg.

We’ve been busy doing things for other people and getting Jewelry parties set up as well as wedding showers for Joanna and we’ve been too busy to think of what we are going to do for Thanksgiving.  Just Sunday night, her parents asked us what we were doing for T-Day.

I just stared at her as I held her on the couch and said…

“Right now we don’t have any solid plans,” I said clueless to the Big Guy’s plan.

Because my usual single place for Thanksgiving – Dennis and Kristi Simmons , well, he’s the wide receivers coach for Tech and I had it in my mind that he would have practice in preparation for the FRIDAY game and not holding Thanksgiving this year.  Except the game is on Saturday at Jimmy World in Dallas.

So they kindly invited us back for yet another year of shenanigans starting at 2. BTW Kristi cheats at cards.  I’m not kidding, just ask Dee Brown.  But I still hold the Turkey Bowl Trophy for spades against her and my wife to be. (Have I mentioned that they cheat horribly?)

COOL! We are normally done at 7 or so and I usually rolls myself into bed for a nice winters nap.

WRONG

Yesterday we were invited at 7 to the Dalby’s for a Thanksgiving Feast. I love Kym and Mike Dalby. She’s a nurse, he’s a firefighter and there isn’t a bad time that we have EVER had with them.  Every year I find a way to sneak out a Fantasy Football win against him and he is always yelling my name in vain.

By the way GO NEW YORK NASTY BOYS!!!!!

SCORE!  So we get baby Ava time with the Dalby’s because Mike won’t get home from the Fire Station till after 6-6:30.  Every man needs to wind down a bit before he has to carve turkey!

Then this morning at 7:45 in the morning… we were invited to the Kruegers for a Thanksgiving shot of goodwill Thanksgiving morning.

A couple of days ago I was cursing because I felt that Thanksgiving would be a quiet one between Joanna and I.

Now , we will be surrounded by our friends being very thankful that they are in our lives.

Tonight it will be “Go to the wine store and figure out what Lubbock wine will go the best with Turkey!”

I’m a blessed man.

ERROR ! DOES NOT COMPUTE

Now I admit last night I got very frustrated because I was working on an accounting issue for someone I love.  However my English and her English were not meshing.

Because she LEFT SOMETHING OUT!

Now the logical part of me is going crazy because she doesn’t give me all the facts.  It was like this…

“How does 2 +1 = 4? Because it doesn’t!”

“But 2 + 1 + 1 = 4!”

“Where did the other 1 come from?”

“Didn’t I tell you about the other 1?”

“NO!” (red angry face)

“Oops!”

I’m a logical person but in every equation you can’t solve for X if there isn’t a X to solve for.

25 days and I can’t wait.

Each day we get closer and closer, and each day I look more forward to it all being done and she being mine…

FOREVER!

Yup, able to write for a bit.

Let’s see here, Joe came to the blogosphere, drank all the liquor, tried to taunt my deceased dog, and posted once.

Coming up after the break: Joe’s New Blog, Tech football and wedding thoughts as well as a bunch of others in this Uber (tm Iggy Inc).

(more…)

The Groom

* His wedding attire

Tuxing it up! Sized and just have to pick the place where I’ll rent it from.
CHECK!

* The bride’s engagement ring and wedding band

Engagement Ring paying off and wedding band FOUND but not acquired
Work in progress!

* Gift’s for his attendants

I found the perfect thing for my guys, now will all of them show up? I dunno.
Work in progress!

* The marriage license

I’ll get closer to the wedding.
Work in progress!

* His medical examination and blood tests

No med exam/blood tests  in the Great State of Texas.
CHECK!!

* A present for the bride

Found but haven’t acquired yet.
Work in progress!

* The bridal bouquet and corsages for the mothers

I’ll get closer to the wedding. As of right now only one mom coming so cost is 1/2 what I expected.
Work in progress!

* All boutonnieres for the ushers, fathers and himself

I’ll get closer to the wedding.  As of right now only one dad coming so cost is 1/2 what I expected.
Work in progress!

* All honeymoon costs

We’re not taking one.  Just ran out of vacation days and we’ve both be stressing too much, but we’ll have one, just not after the wedding. We can have the perfect honeymoon when it’s right for us.

We’re not a traditional family!

So far I’m a
“Work in progress!”

Right now I have no idea on showers, bridal or otherwise.  Consult Joanna for any and all shower information!  All I need to know is When, Where, what should I wear and are the kids there?

Postscript: No showers have been planned.

I’m keeping clear from the parental units as we are not in communication right now.  I’m hoping for the best like my friends continue to tell me but expecting the  tragic worst.

I’ve spent more time worrying about the house and the bills with a recent paycut that playing cards online, reading blogs have all taken a back seat.

So let me address the following while I’m thinking of it. I twitter when I can but, I can’t post on my phone yet, have to figure that one out.

Bam – Bam : Still thinking of your father in law in my prayers and your blog is required reading for Frantic Fridays.

John Hartness : Your choices series is one of the best pieces I have read in a long time. Well written and I can see the further plotlines you have ahead. Well done sir.

Prince of Houston : Yup, I’m alive, barely but I’ll call you this week.

OOSSUUU754 : Brother, I’m not forgetting you, just have had one shit week.  Will get back to you on Thursday.

Gcox25 : I’m still here sir, and I’m dragging my mean as a snake fiance up there soon.  Okie Vegas I need your healing waters.

F-Train : Have faith in your play.

CK : You are amazing

Doc Chako : Single parenting sucks huh, I believe in you.  Give The Wife my love.

The Wife : I know I’ve fallen off the face of the earth, but losing all your phone numbers when my phone melted is the reason.  We’ll connect soon.

DRhodes : My friend, I’m here, we’re both busy, let’s pillage some dude soon

Riggstad : Are you still alive?

If I haven’t mentioned you it wasn’t with malice, it’s just what I can think of right at this second.

I’m taking things slow, because I get the kids soon and it will be totally worth it.  All my pain will be gone soon.

I’m counting the days Shelby and Ryan.

When I was growing up I had a red bike with training wheels, I was so nervous to ever ride without my training wheels, even though I knew I could, they were their to keep me safe.

One day, my dad took off my training wheels. My grandfather and dad watched as I fell time and time again. I begged to have them put my training wheels back on.

Dear Patrick,

I know today you would be proud of me.

So far in my renovation of my house, with NO HELP from my family, I’ve :

Installed a pot rack,

4 fans, 3 of which had extensions,

painted living room,

textured the kitchen,

painted the kitchen,

and tonight fought a battle that normally I would have ran screaming from.

I’m not handy, I admit it. It’s the bill paying and the logic that keeps Joanna happy.

But tonight I had an issue.

The dishwasher wasn’t draining.

Now normal men would whip out their handy wrench or tool of their choice and had a go at fixing whatever issue it was.

I’m not a normal man. I’m Home Depot Impaired. Home Depot knows me by name, and it’s to their delight and joy when I come walking in;

“So what’s your problem today Sean,” they say with cash registers ringing in their minds.

In that my fiance Joanna used to work at Home Depot I don’t get taken by “the latest and greatest gadgets”.  I look at them and ewwwww and ohhhhh. “It doesn’t work, let’s move on,” she’d say as we’d go to our next adventure.

But tonight I wasn’t going to bed , even though the “Box” as I’ve come to know and love it was closed.

I had a dishwasher that wasn’t draining right and I looked at all the steps.

1. Check disposal.

2. Check Basket to make sure nothing was clogging the hose.

3. Check for bent or broken hoses.

4. Check Air Vent.

All seemed to be working.

I cleaned out the basket, lemon / ice cube freshened the disposal , all hoses looked great and I thought the air vent was cleaned enough on the outside.

I thought I had it all done right.

Try draining the dishwasher :

FAIL

After thinking about everything you’d say especially the “check the little things Sean, that’s what gets screwed up the most.”

I yelled to you that I had checked everything.

But that’s when I saw the little tab on the sides of the air vent. I popped the tabs and discovered a mineral blockage that had partly blocked the drain from fully draining.

I cleaned it out, even blowing down the small hole with a straw to discover a face full of dirty dish water.

I put everything back the way it should, and clicked the Cancel/Drain button.

And nothing made me happier than yelling at Joanna saying , “I DID IT MYSELF! YOU HEAR THAT PATRICK, I DID IT MYSELF” as the dishwasher drained!

You see, even though you are long gone and I miss you daily, I’m sure you’d understand if I take this moment to be proud cause I sure know you’d be.

Though I’m not going to drop any gas tanks to change fuel filters, or change that toilet that we never got around to without professional help, I know that this was just another little battle I won without anyone’s help.

When I walked into the bedroom to get Joanna to stop watching TV and see what I’ve done, it was not just my joy, but hers too.

She sees what I wish you could see.

Back in 1976 ,after an accident or two bumping my head, skinning my knees and hands I rode on my own. It was the most incredible experience of my life, and I rode everywhere, that is until I got my car.

I’ve taking the training wheels off in my life. Yes, things are tough. Yes, the times with the kids are not going to be as extravagant as before.

But  I’m doing it without help.

I’m moving on…

and it feels great.

I Love You and give my best to Tara and Grandpa,

Sean

And I look at a pile of bills and smile.

A pile of dirty laundry and smile.

A list of e-mail issues and smile.

For I have made magic happen.  I’ve been writing and been inspired by my friend John’s Choices series, that I’m making choices.  Some of them good, some of them bad. But I’m no longer sitting with the fence post up my ass.

Things are busy at work and Joanna and I are even busier with the house.  Everything has to be perfect for in 27 days, the kids will be here in Lubbock.

I know we won’t have everything done, but even a yeoman’s effort will be enough to transform boxes and concepts into reality.

I’ve stayed away from poker lately and that may change in the future. I’ve tried to do things that were completely wrong like trying things that in the end would frustrate me.  But I gave it a noble effort.

I’ve tried also some things that I have seen success in. Even a project that may turn out even better than I thought in the first place.  But I have to be patient, something that Shelby makes me do every day, cause the girl, never even heard the word patient.

“When am I coming to see you Daddy? I miss you!”

Now on the other hand, Ryan is not talking to me now. My ex says its a phase. I’m not sure that I can handle an extended phase of my son withdrawing from me.  I need to work on hyper communicating with him when I can.

And the boy that I wanted to play catch with, take camping with  and have fun , like my father was with me, otherwise, I may lose him forever.

I don’t have fear anymore, I would have been a wreck in years past knowing about decisions that could affect my future.

But I know now that I control my future, and tomorrow during lunch, I’m going to make a visit to someone that may help me try and be a better me.

I’ll explain tomorrow.

sometimes you look it in the face and stare it down.

I have seen the darkness and I have stared into the empty soul and depression that it has. I have laughed in its face and heard an evil laugh returning to me.

But I could not look at the evil without seeing in it, a piece of me. All of my failures and yet I also saw the successes behind those failures.

What do they have to do with now?

Absolutely nothing…

that I can say.

In the days before the darkest times in humanity there have been souls burdened with things that they could not explain nor say.  It was their load to bear.

I’ve hidden from most and changed in ways I like, and in ways I loathe.

I look at the evil and yet in the mirror, the evil is me.

I have to face the pain and move into something great. Most of the great ones have failed. I have failed for I have not yet lived.  I have worried myself sick, and done things that were to protect me, and yet I have not experience life.

I look to the shephards to my left and to my right and see the glory and pain.  For me to succeed I must take a shot, a chance.

If it goes well, I’ll let you know.

If it doesn’t I will still let you know.

Before I wrote to hide my pain, but now I write for I hunger.  And that hunger hasn’t been fed in a long while.  I am moving away from some things and back to others.

Hopefully, I have chosen correctly.

Get the “I’m up before you wake up call” from Joanna and I spend the next 30 min listening to her tell me something followed by the …

“Are you listening to me or back asleep?”

My response usually is “zzzzzzzzz.”

I get to work, do my shift meeting up with Joanna for Lunch, followed by more work shenanigans and then dinner get done with house stuff , play some cards or read and then…

Sleep then

repeat.

I’ve been so busy working on other projects that I’ve haven’t gotten all the Ireland reading down that I want and need to do before the trip.

I’m really excited about this weekend because I get to wind down a bit.

Then it’s only a week before I’m in Ireland.

Sometimes its important to remember that you have to go through the sludge to get to the good stuff.