(Tom Brokaw) : As we wait for Sean to approach, Tim Russert what can we expect from Sean’s speech tonight?
(Tim Russert): Well he is supposed to start a restriction of ex-wife jokes as well as references to Alcanthang, his parents, snotty family members around the world, as well as a cheap shameless plug for his new book as well as stuff he ripped off from the State of the Union speech from 2006 since he was bored. And why are you here? Where is Brian Williams?
(Tom Brokaw) : He’s covering the real State of The Union, I’m just glad to be here on MSNBC 2 : Just Add Tragedy… Here comes the Sergeant at Legs…
(SAL): Madame Speaker, The President of Instant Tragedy!
Madame. Speaker, Family, members of the Blogosphere, fellow citizens:
As a new year gathers, all of us that blog in the blogosphere share a great privilege: We’ve been placed in high esteem by our visitors of the people we entertain and a ton of freaking robots. (Applause.)
Tonight, with a healthy, growing blog, with more Americans going back to wasting time reading our life stories, fiction and drunken drivel, with our nation an active force for good in the world — the state of Instant Tragedy: Just add water is confident and strong. (Applause.)
Now we must add to these achievements. By making our financial stability more flexible, more innovative, and more competitive, we will keep the debt collectors from approaching our property or front door. (Applause.)
Our prosperity requires restraining the drinking appetite of Alcanthang. I welcome the bipartisan enthusiasm for drinking discipline. I will send you a bar tab that holds the growth of discretionary spending below inflation, makes hangover relief permanent, and stays on track to cut the bar tab in half by 2009. (Applause.)
My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 old girlfriend numbers in your little black book that are not getting results, or duplicate current efforts, or do not fulfill essential priorities. The principle here is clear: Your dollars trying to get laid must be spent wisely, or not at all. (Applause.)
To make our economy stronger and more competitive, The Blogosphere must reward, not punish, the efforts and dreams of entrepreneurs and book writers like Pauly. Small business is the path of advancement, especially for smokers and gut shot straight callers, so we must free small businesses from needless regulation and protect honest poker players from stupid laws. (Applause.)
Justice is distorted, and our economy is held back by irresponsible laws like the UIEGA and frivolous arrests of former Netteller executives– and I urge Blogosphere to pass legal reforms this year. (Applause.)
Nearly four years ago, I was left by my ex-wife. (Applause.) My no more ex-wife joke legislation will cut bad jokes and misunderstood humor and improve the awkward silence forced upon my friends. (Applause.)
Four years of jokes is enough: I urge Blogosphere to support my resolution that makes America more secure and less dependent on my ex-wife jokes. (Applause.)
Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent psycho ex-boy and girlfriends. I’ve appointed a bipartisan panel to examine the stalker laws from top to bottom. And when their recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this blogosphere restraining order that are pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all. (Applause.)
America’s immigration system is also outdated — unsuited to the needs of our economy and to the values of our country. We should not be content with laws that punish hardworking people who want only to provide for their families, and deny businesses willing workers, and invite chaos at our border. It is time for an immigration policy that permits people who come over legally without jumping fences or hiding in tractor trailers, that rejects amnesty, that tells us who is entering and leaving our country, and that closes the border to Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton. (Applause.)
One of America’s most important institutions — a symbol of the trust between generations — is also in need of wise and effective reform. Our parents was a great moral success of the 20th century, and we must honor their purposes in this new century. (Applause.) The system of listening to them whine about how we are not married, don’t have children or why don’t we leave the garage and find our own place, however, on its current path, is headed toward failure. And so we must join together to strengthen and avoid getting kicked out of the house. (Applause.)
I know that none of these reforms would be easy. But we have to move ahead with courage and honesty, because our parents choices of where they are going to be vacationing in retirement is more important than family politics. (Applause.)
I will work with members of Blogosphere to find the most effective combination of reforms. I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer except my ex-wife. (Applause.)
We must, however, be guided by some basic principles. We must make parents ignore our dirty rooms and unclean underwear, and leave that task for another day. We must not jeopardize our economic strength by refusing to quit accepting an allowance. And we must take care that any changes in the system are gradual, so younger siblings have years to prepare and plan for their future. (Applause)
Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the poker skills that sustain a free society. So many of my generation, after a long journey, have come home to family and faith, and are determined to bring up responsible, children that know what to do on a raise, re-raise in a late position. Government is not the source of these values, but government should never undermine them. (Applause)
Our families, working with allies and friends, have also confronted the enemy abroad, with measures that are determined, successful, and continuing. The al Qaeda terror network that we choose to be scared with by our government is out there. And it is scary! There are still family members that sponsor and harbor ex-wives and ex-husbands but we still have to call them on holidays cause our mothers will kill us if we don’t. We will stay on the offensive against them, until the fight is won. (Applause.)
Recently a reader said to me, “Tell America not to abandon us.” He and all readers can be certain: While our blogging strategy is adapting to circumstances, our commitment remains firm and unchanging. We are standing for the entertainment of our frequent readers, and creative freedom in the blogosphere will make America entertained for generations to come. (Applause.)
We will not set an artificial timetable for letting Pauly quit Truckin’, because that would embolden terrorists and make them believe they can wait us out. We write in Truckin’ to achieve a result: A magazine that is democratic, representative of all its people, at peace with its neighbors, and able to entertain itself. And when that result is achieved, our men and women blogging around the world will return home with the honor they have earned. (Applause.)
One name we honor is frequent commenter Judy of Brownfield, Texas, who was bored at work at UMC. Her husband Tony, sent me a letter and told me how much Judy loved being a nurse, and how proud she was to be on the front line against cone head babies who can’t fold on a two outer. He wrote, “When Judy was home this last time, I said that I wanted to protect her from the poker morons that donkey me every day. She just hugged me and said, ‘You’ve done your job, Tony. Now it is my turn to make money and win the tournaments.'” Ladies and gentlemen, with grateful hearts, we honor gut shot folder and current poker queen of UMC Labor and Delivery ward Judy from Brownfield. (Applause.)
As Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, “Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth.” And we live in the country where the biggest dreams are born. The abolition of slavery was only a dream — until it was fulfilled. The liberation of Europe from fascism was only a dream — until it was achieved. The fall of imperial communism was only a dream — until, one day, it was accomplished. Our generation has dreams of its own, and we also go forward with confidence. The road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable — yet we know where it leads: It leads to freedom. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)
I remind you Bonus Code: (Dammit I need to get one of those) (BOOS)
Take this time to talk among yourselves and remember that my book The Castle, a fantasy of sorts will be out soon and I would love you all to buy 15 copies and give them to hobo’s to burn in their nightly fires. (Applause)
Or you could read them and give the other 14 to friends and family. (Applause)
Thank you, and may The Big Guy bless the Blogosphere. (Applause.)
2 thoughts on “The State of The Instant Tragedy Blog Union Speech”
Nicely done sir.
I felt the urge to rise to my feet as I read the State of the Instant Tragedy Blog Union Speech. It was very moving, Sean! And then, I could barely see through my tears of gratitude and humility as I read the section about me. I felt emotion welling up in my bosom as the words entered my being. It makes me so proud to be a citizen of the Blogosphere…. Thank you Sean. Keep up the good work.
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