Arthur was in a quandary.  Nancy had thrown his ass for a loop with the double zinger earlier and he had no solution to either.

“Look Arthur, I know you love me and I love you, but we have to make a decision what we should do.  Do you want to keep the baby and get married, get married and don’t keep the baby, or I just own your soul for the rest of your life making you wish that they had ice water wherever you are? It’s up to you. I’m going to my mothers and I know where you’ll be at.  Your thinking place.”

Wally’s was a cornerstone to the college community.  Everyone who walked in was carded and if you were a first timer and not a “Wally Walk” member you were forced to sit in the 1500 square foot “Family Area” that had every single State Tech football team’s autographed jersey from 1977 when Wally Marshall , owner was captain of the State Tech football team and let them to a Pine Bowl victory against Minnesota State.

It had great burgers, solid drink specials and a glass partition in the bathroom above the urinals so the men could make faces at everyone as they took a piss. It was originally a mirror that had the State Tech logo on the side that faced the bar. But after the State Tech win over “The University” a small brawl and one chair found its way through the glass mirror.

Wally was ticked off at the men who ruined his bar mirror and on the day of the first “Ladies Night” the mirror was replaced by a pane of glass.  Teen women from all around the Tri-State area would come and try a get their first look at junk at Wally’s. Wally had build a platform and during “Guy’s Night”, a weekly bikini contest was held with all the women strutting on the platform next to the bathroom.  Many a drunk woman and many sorority girls during rush would spend their time on the platform facing the window and giving everyone in the bathroom a show. Guys would back up from the urinals to check out the show and if they were caught, the women would ring the brass bell that was hung over the glass and thus “Doing the walk at Wally’s was born.”

Arthur walked into Wally’s not because he wanted to, every time he walked in he was forced to hug his old friend and mentor Wally and start the story that was the latest in whatever tragedy his life had befell him.

Wally would usually listen and then wait for the right moment to say something pithy and thought provoking and then was gone to the next State Tech former player who needed his ear. Today though, Wally was at the bar with a bottle of Irish Whiskey.

“Wally, why are you drinking the uisce beatha tonight? Normally I’m the one asking for the bottle of Bushmill’s to my table. Matter of fact, who are the snot nosed kids sitting at my table?” Arthur walked off toward a two topper near the end of the platform.

“Now Arthur, we don’t need a fight,” Wally slurred as he raised the bottle in the air, “I’ve got plenty of whiskey for both of us!”

Arthur looked at the two frat daddies, one who dared sit at his table with TWO popped collars and the other who dared to drink a MANHATTAN at his table.

Kain approached from his perch in the Bouncer Bin. “I told them it was reserved Artie. No blood tonight please.”

Arthur looked at the two men and asked “Gentlemen, I think you are at my table.”

“Piss off, this table isn’t reserved. Tell your boy to leave us alone and get that hot looking bitch back here with more drinks,” said Two-Popped.

Kaine growled but he was held back by Arthur’s right hand. “I’ll handle this, Kaine, you can call the cops now.”

“This is a public place and there is nothing you can do about it old man,” Manhattan said as he finished his glass.

With a quick and decisive move he pushed Two Popped into the wall using his right hand and grabbing the ponytail of Manhattan he pulled his head under the table.

“What’s it say?”

“Property of Wally’s,” Manhattan said with a hint of fear.

“Next to that,” Arthur said.

“This table is reserved in perpetuity for the best linebacker State Tech ever had, Arthur “The Moose” Snelling.”

“Are you the Moose,” Arthur asked with mock sincereity.

“No,” Manhattan said as his head was drug up from under the table.  Two-Popped stepped away from the table and tried to take a blind side swing at Arthur. And yet it never connected as he was cloth lined by Kaine.

“Thanks for the help brother, how’s your sister,” Arthur asked as he drug Manhattan to the door with Kaine dragging Two-Popped feet first.

“Good, I heard from the grapevine that you and Nancy are expecting, congratulations,” Kaine said as the Sheriff pulled up.

Kaine started the paperwork and dealt with the law while Arthur walked back into the restaurant/bar.

“Ladies and Gentleman, the Conference LEAADDDDDER of SACKS and the Emissary of Manhood, Arthur, “The MOOOOOOOSEEEEE Snelling,” Timothy, the bartender cried as he walked back in.

“I need a drink,” Arthur said to Timothy and looked around for Wally. “Where did he go?”

A squeal came from the platform as a 24 year old Tri-Delt cried out, “I can see Wally’s Weiner!”

Arthur walked with purpose into the bathroom and saw Wally trying to find the right urinal to piss in but ending up pissing everywhere but in one.

“What are you doing Artie?”

“I’m listening to an old drunk guy take a piss one drop at a time. Come on, your giving the Tri-Delts a peep show.”

“Does she have nice knockers?”

“No, but…”

Both men looked at each other as Wally put away his johnson and said “but at our age does it really matter?”

Wally washed his hands and turned back to the window and waved at the blonde who rang the bell and flashed Wally, who on the way out pulled a cord that turned red flashing lights on the platform.

“So what do I do Wally? I’m in for it good!”

“Do you love her?”

“Does it matter?”

“Do you love her?”

“Wally, do you love this bar?”

“More than life itself.”

“What if I told you that you could only be in this bar 3 nights a week looking at the hottest pieces of ass around, the other 4 days you had to serve drinks at a women’s prison. What would you say to that?”

“Is my mother in law coming to town?”


“Nancy is a bitch, but you can’t have me make your decisions for you for the rest of your life. You’re 26 years old. Grow a pair of balls that don’t involve shooting roids, then we’ll talk,” Wally said as the crowd went wild as he walked out of the bathroom.

“Wally, I wanted you to be my first,” the blonde Tri-Delt said as she kissed him on the cheek.

“Stacy, you go and finish your degree and wait for a man that treats you like a queen, not because of what you give or don’t give him. Make him wait for you and then do him like you’ve never done before, because you never have.”

“Huh,” the Tri-Delt looked back at him with a confused look.

“Let me translate, don’t be a slut and graduate without getting preggers,” Arthur volunteered.

“Does it count if I don’t swallow,” Stacy turned red as she asked.

Wally hugged her and said, “Just remember to substitute for the protein!”

She walked away and the two men sat and talked about football, baseball, everything but the question that Arthur wanted his advice.  His frustration was evident. Hours passed and the table slowly filled up with bottles.

“Wally, what do I do?”

“If I tell you to marry her, you will, if I tell you to take her to the quack shack you will. Why don’t you nut up and be a man.”

“I am a man. I’ve knocked up Mary and married her.”

“How did that work out for you,” Wally said with a smile.

“25 % of my income gone and I rarely get to see Reagan.”

“It’s time to grow up son. I’m not going to be your guide forever. But I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll write down what I think you are going to do and what you probably should do on this envelope,” Wally said as he pulled out a blank envelope from his pocket and he started to write. “If I’m wrong I’ll give you my next paycheck, if I’m right you bounce for me for next Hell Night.” He gave the envelope to Timothy. Timothy turned and grabbed the staple gun and stapled it to the top of the bar, one of 50 envelopes that had various peoples names on them and the date.

“I thought after I broke that guys jaw I was banned from bouncing Hell Night.”

“Consider it punishment if you you’re an idiot.”

“So you think, I should,” Arthur is interrupted with a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks for the text Wally, can you find your way to your room,” Nancy said with a smile?

“It’s up the stairs and second door on the left. Same place it’s been for the last 27 years,” Wally said as he started to stagger toward the velvet rope that let to his second floor flat. Dion opened the rope and tried to help Wally up the stairs but was refused but the older man.

“What’s the answer,” Arthur yelled at Wally as he jogged up the stairs.

“Look in her eyes and you’ll know. I’ll see you in two weeks. I’ll have your uniform ready for you.”

“Time to go Artie,” Nancy said as she let him to the door.

Arthur looked at Nancy and smiled. “I thought you were at your mothers.”

“I thought you knew me better.”

3 thoughts on “As requested by Chuck Stillman – “I’m listening to an old drunk guy take a piss one drop at a time.”

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