More of the “Quotes” series.

Lisa was in a mood, no matter where she went she projected a vibe of “leave me the hell alone.”  It wasn’t her day, she had already locked herself out of her car, lost her drivers license and it wasn’t even 10:30 in the morning.

“How the hell did I lose it,” she said while looking for it through her purse. The checkout clerk had a smirk on her face that her manager quickly wiped off with a stern look.

“Is there a problem miss,” he asked with a smile on his face.

“Good, a manager, there is never one around when you need it,” Lisa started as she looked up at the portly man with the blue polked dotted bow tie and the should’ve been ironed trousers, “She says,” as she motioned to the pimply faced 16 year old male  check out clerk,” that I have to have my drivers license to buy a bottle of your finest wine and tampons. Obviously I’m 24, I’ve  just misplaced it somewhere this weekend.  Now can you help me so I can go home and bleed in peace?”

The manager’s eyes grew wide and his face turned pale, “It’s a state law that you have to show proof of age for alcohol. I can’t bend that rule.”

“Look, (as she examines his name tag) Morris, my boyfriend left me for some hoochie that will put out, with an $500 cable porn bill and enough anger to sink the fucking United States Navy.  What would happen if I did this,” she said as she took the bottle of wine and dropped it on the ground.

“Miss, you’ll have to pay for that,” the manager cried as the checkout clerk called for cleanup on checkout b.

“Without an ID? OH YOU WILL BREAK THE LAW IF I BREAK THE DAMN BOTTLE, BUT NOT SO I CAN DRINK IT,” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “Fuckit, here’s a 20 for the wine and the tampons and you can give the change to the girl so she can at least afford a decent bra.”

As the manager protested and stock boys brought out a mop to clean up the mess Lisa passed the sign that was posted near the manager’s stand.

The ONLY F’s at Family Stores are Fun, Friendly and Family.

“Hey Morris, the only 3 F’s in this shithole is this,” as she flipped him off.  “You put the 3 F’s in FUCK OFF,” she started to hyperventilate as she walked to her car…

which had a flat.

Her face started to turn crimson and she threw one of her $200 heels at the sky. “Do you want me, then TAKE ME, or leave me the fuck alone.”

An old woman walked up to her and asked her if she needed help as the fire engine heel hit on top of her Nissan Maxima.

“Not unless you know the way to fix a flat tire when your FUCKING ex pawned your spare tire for your birthday present.”

The woman walked away muttering about the youth of this country was going to hell.

After finding her phone in her purse of despair, she called the one person that she could trust in this situation. The only person that could help her find a way out.

“Hello… Daddy,” she sobbed and started to make noises that only dachshunds and small children could understand.

She kept talking and talking until she heard the beep of the voice mail hanging up on her.

“Did you hang up Daddy, why did you hang up?”

Then Lisa, a well adjusted twenty four year old woman, with a flat tire, one heel and a box of tampons in her hand did the only thing that was logical at the time.

She walked home.

Every step was a reminder of why he life was so pitiful.  She was an assistant to someone who took her ideas and then took the credit for them and when her idea didn’t pan out, she fired Lisa.  Her ex was a tool and obviously Dad was off banging the nanny. Her mom left her when she was eight when she decided that her dad wasn’t the man that she wanted and Paulo, the pool boy was. Her best friend Annie, was a fool that would talk to her only when she needed something and was never there when she called, like the fourteen times that she tried to call in between the Family Store and home.

She walked the mile in one heel and finally reached her apartment door. All she could see was her bed and the note he left.

Dearest Lisa,

There comes a time in man’s life where he makes a decision on what he wants to be in life, who he wants to live the rest of his life with a woman of his dreams.

Unfortunately, you’re not it.

You’re too bitchy, too demanding and too neat.

I want to be able to leave a pair of my comfortable boxers on the bed when I get home so I can change and relax. However you seem to feel that the laundry is the best place for them.  I don’t care what kinda stains you think they have, they’re my favorite.

I want to be able to go out with my friends and look at another pair of tits knowing that I will come home to your knockers. But, you’ve gained weight, you look like a refrigerator with legs, the gas you pass make mustard gas seem tolerable and you don’t dress sexy anymore.

You spend more time in your life bitching and complaining about what I have to do to fix MY life, without fixing YOURS FIRST. No, I don’t care about your mom, your dad, your sister and your half sister. I cared for all of them for you.

It’s time to rip off the bandage.

Get your life straight or end up as an angry cat lady.  I’ll send your things from my apartment with Annie. Thanks for introducing us.

Hope you find a new attitude and life, because I really don’t know how I stood dating you for three years.

And by the way, I really thought your sister was a cunt to you. I hope that makes you feel better. I ADMIT IT!


All Lisa could do was cry. “I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a new world.”

Walking to the closet she opened up a suitcase that had dust from the Clinton administration on it, opened it up , grabbed her favorite stuffed bunny from inside. Throwing the suitcase to the floor of the closet, she crawled up into her bed, and went to sleep.

When Lisa came to it was dark outside.

Really dark.

As she looked around she realized she fell asleep at her desk at her office. Yeah, her office. She was the boss and it was a dream.

Lisa yawned and started to work on the Roberts presentation.  It had to be perfect in the morning. She’ll just take stupid Annie’s idea and tweak it here and there and she’ll get the promotion that Cecil promised her.  All it will take will be the red silk chemise with the cream skirt and they will be eating out of her hand.

A change here and a change there. Fix that error and correct that spelling.  Too bad Annie was too stupid to realize that her idea would make the company and in turn her millions.

Shawn the janitor walked by pushing the vacuum.

“Working late tonight Ms. Sinde.”

“Yes, Shawn, working too late I guess.  How are you doing ?”

“Loving life, living the dream,” he said as he started to vacuum the floor.

“Living the dream,” Lisa said as the noise from an alarm went off.

She awoke this time holding a stuffed bunny in one hand and the letter from Ian in the other.

It was still dark and she thought everything was o k. She’d find a new boyfriend, a new job, she’d turn her life back around. It didn’t matter that the country was in one of the worst recessions ever, Lisa was a fighter.  She’d get what she deserved.

(Six months later)

“Now Lisa, when presented with someone who wants to buy liquor you have to see id before they are allowed to purchase it,” Andy the seventeen year old assistant manager told her. He still had the pimples.

“Remember, Fun, Friendly and Family,” Andy said with a smile!

One thought on ““You put the 3 F’s in Fuck Off” – Joanna + “Loving life, living the dream” – Shawn

  1. Pure Genius!!!! I love it now where did I put my Vacuum becuase I feel the need to suck.

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